Driving through the middle of the country alone can get boring and lonesome. Radio stations become few and far between, most of them exhorting you to get right with Jesus or bemoaning liberalism.

Then, like finding a silver dollar while walking on the side of the road, an unexpected gem comes across the airwaves. Janis singing Down On Me. The Stones pouring out the guitar bends of Honky Tonk Woman.

What luck.

It doesn't last. It's not a classic rock station -- it is the dreaded oldies station. The same musical era that gave us Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Cream, and Wilson Pickett also gave us Freddy and the Dreamers, Gary Lewis and the Playboys, the Turtles, and that most nauseating of musical genres -- bubblegum. The music doesn't have to be good, it just has to be old.

Some old bones need to be left at rest.

Jerry Garcia said if you can remember the 60's, you weren't really there. These six bands deserve to be forgotten.

Gary Lewis and the Playboys

The only rock and roll band with an accordion, Gary Lewis and the Playboys had a string of hits extolling teen angst, love, and heartbreak. Gary Lewis was Jerry Lewis' son -- yes, one of Jerry's kids. He had an amazing ability to sing about a third off pitch reminding one of a recalcitrant brat begging for a happy meal. Here he is singing the second wimpiest song in the history of rock and roll. Bobby Vee's Take Good Care of My Baby is, as you know, the all-time champion.



The 1910 Fruitgum Company

The most virulent disease ever to infect American music was a hideously sweet concoction perpetrated on the public called bubblegum. The perps in this case are called the 1910 Fruitgum Company. They have a website. Go there. Extract revenge. Make them pay. Hurry. They may die soon.



The Ohio Express

What can be worse than the 1910 Fruitgum Company? The Ohio Express, that's what. It is rumored that the two were actually the same band. It is also rumored that Joe Walsh played with them. Sad, isn't it?

Here they are singing Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy.

Yes, it is gayer than a Maypole dance in Neverland.



The Turtles

Max Shulman, in one of his Dobie Gillis stories, wrote these immortal lines:

I gotta gal and her name is Esme
and I will love her if she lets me.

Max Shulman gave us Maynard G. Krebs and is to be revered.

The Turtles' Happy Together has a similar sentiment, only different.

They'll be happy together if her mother lets them.

The Turtles were sort of like the Beatles, only different.

Very different.

Some promoter had a brilliant idea to make a quick buck.

The Turtles were the result.

Go ahead. Click on the video. See where it gets you.



The Lemon Pipers

It's psychedelic, man. The Lemon Pipers put the deli in psychedelic. Gray old men with blank looks in their eyes stumble aimlessly on mean city streets. They saw the video below under the influence of d-lysergic when they were young and knew no better.

Be careful with this one.

The robot is especially disturbing.



Freddy and the Dreamers with Frankie Avalon

After the success of the Beatles, managers, record promoters, concert promoters, and other scum infested the streets of Liverpool searching for anything that looked remotely like John, George, Paul, or Ringo.

They found Freddy and the Dreamers. Hebephrenia can be fun and Freddy explored the throes of ecstasy. Frankie Avalon wanted to be cool, too.

Here they are together at last.



Frankie Avalon Homeopathic Zero-Pain 3-pack with Rescue Cream

Immediately after a Stones concert at Soldier's Field in Chicago, a long line formed in front of the urinals in the men's room. A lot of beer was sold at that concert.

An impatient man at the back of the line muttered, "I wish they'd hurry up."

"Not a chance," replied the man next to him. "Lot of prostate problems in this crowd."

It is not known if Frankie Avalon has prostate problems, but he does sell a Homeopathic Zero-Pain 3-Pack complete with Rescue Cream.

That's something.

NEW YORK- In what many see as a valiant bi-partisan effort, Fox News commentator and noted author Bill O'Reilly announced that he was forming a non-profit corporation dedicated to saving Senator Barack Obama's testicles.

"I hate to see anyone lose their testicles, even menacing political figures who may well be Muslim terrorists and elitist pacifists who have no respect for hard-working Americans," said O'Reilly.

O'Reilly proposed funding the corporation through private donations on the internet.

"If it worked for Ron Paul, it should work for Obama's testicles," observed O'Reilly. "We can reach young people and those who have purchased penis enlargement pills-- market segments who fully understand the importance of protecting testicles. Many of them are liberals and should be receptive."

Mr. O'Reilly outlined the priorities for his new organization.

"The first thing we will do is put 24-hour surveillance on Reverend Jesse Jackson. I don't think he is making empty threats(see video below). I have always thought there was an undertow of violence in the man's character. We will also aid the Secret Service in their mission to protect what may become the first jewels by having an expert team of investigative journalist make daily reports as to the health of Obama's private parts. We also plan to purchase seven athletic supporters complete with cups for Obama to wear, one for each day of the week. Everyone, regardless of political affiliation, may contribute and join. People who donate over one hundred dollars will receive a handsome kangaroo scrotum bottle opener."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

President George W. Bush prepared for delicate negotiations with China concerning investment and energy policy in a meeting on Tuesday with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said the meeting was cordial, but Ms. Rice left the meeting early "most likely because of a female problem."

"You just never know with a woman," added Perino.

I love this video. Only problem is that they should include Obama in the mix. You take Sally, I'll take Sue. Ain't no difference between the two.

Save the world?

Nah, pass the Cheetos.

The fabulous Bo Diddley has left us.

Blues shouter.

Killer rhythm guitar player.

Master showman.

...and he could dance his ass off.

Lift a glass.

We won't see his like again.

Will George W. Bush be upset by former White House press secretary Scott McClellan's book?

No.

It's not like he can actually read it, is it?

Bud Selig, Commissioner of Basball, cracked down on the illicit use of Major League Baseball trademarks by little league teams today. The use of names like Cubs, Yankees, Mariners, or Orioles on uniforms will no longer be allowed unless the uniforms are purchased from an authorized dealer.

"The little league has been taking a free ride for much too long," said Selig. "It's time to pay the piper. Do you know how much it costs to pay players like Andruw Jones not to play?"

Local little league officials were appalled at the decision.

"It's hard enough to raise enough money to put on a league each year," said Emily Wankette, concerned little league mom. "Now we have to pay more for uniforms because Selig wants to protect his trademarks? I hope his legs grow together."

Little league teams across the country quickly moved to change their names.

"We changed our name to the New York Pimps." said Johnny Ellsworth, third baseman for the Pimps. "Some other teams called themselves the Chicago Hustlers and the New Orleans Players. I think it's a lot cooler."

"I ain't going to pay more money so Barry Bonds can grow his head bigger. It's already the size of a basketball." said Terry Warrick, manager of the Manchester Caucasians.

"You mean I can't be a Yankee no more?" asked little Alfonso Soriano. "Pretty soon they're going to kick me off second base and make me play left field. I want to go home."

Selig explained his decision. "The rules are the rules. It is my job to defend the game of baseball from little leage freeloaders and defend it I will."

In a related story, MLB owners are meeting with Selig in June to discuss air concessions at selected major league ballparks. It is expected that the new concessions will be offered on a trial basis at ballparks in some of the more polluted cities.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Heaven help us. This woman is in the Senate.

Max Headroom was the prototype for Mitt Romney.