Thousands of pundits, bloggers, TV personalities, and just plain mean people converged in Puffbluff, Kentucky today for the first Ron Paul Gloatfest. The attendees are jubilant that John McCain has sewn up the Republican nomination making it impossible for Ron Paul to be the nominee.

"I said he couldn't win right from the gitgo," said George Stephanopoulos. "I said it right to his face, right on TV. I've been around. There's just no way voters are going to get on board with someone who has a haircut from a barber shop and a grasp of economic issues. Who did he think he was fooling?"

"You are so right, George, even though you are a commie pinko liberal," agreed Rush Limbaugh. "He was never going to be the nominee because I said he wasn't going to be the nominee. Even with that haircut, he could've made it if I said so."

"I knew he couldn't win because his supporters are all retards," whined Emily Wankette, girl internet reporter. "I asked one of them to briefly explain the rise of civilization and he told me my question had nothing to do with the Ron Paul Revolution. It was hilarious."

Ben Shalom Bernanke chimed in: "What a rube. Anyone who doesn't understand that our currency is backed by our tax dollars is totally null and void when it come to economic issues. If our currency starts failing we can always raise taxes and print more dollars for the people to pay them with. That's Econ 101."

"His anti-science attitude made me want to puke," said Milford Munford, of Science Nerds Against Religious Knowledge (SNARK). "When he said evolution was a theory, I actually peed my pants."

Gloatfest is scheduled for three more days. There is no charge to attend, but a donation to the newly formed Bipartisan Society for the Enforcement of the Status Quo is appreciated. Rudy Giuliani will be the keynote speaker, followed by refreshments and an old-fashioned hootenanny.