McCainanites, Bushskovites, and other assorted neocons are still happily hacking on Ron Paul.

Michael Goldfarb, Deputy Communications Director for the anointed Republican standard bearer John McCain writes:

"There should be plenty of room for the Paulnuts in Obama's big tent. If Rev. Wright isn't exactly a 9/11 Truther, at least he's breathed new life into the Pearl Harbor Truther movement. Imagine a newsletter coauthored by the Reverend and Lew Rockwell--now that's racial harmony."

Dave Nalle, part of a self-professed "sinister cabal of superior writers ," states:

"...McCain has never presented himself as 'pro-war' that's just their (Paultards, Paulnuts, insert your own pejorative) interpretation. The actual war in Iraq is over and McCain is not currently advocating any other new wars. That McCain supports keeping troops in Iraq until the country is past its current troubles is more of an anti-war position, since our presence there reduces the level of violence and the risk of Iranian invasion and a full-scale war."

Apparently the tired old neocons calling themselves the "New Right," through some arcane process of Orwellian double-think, actually believe that Paul supporters are as stupid as they take pains to portray them.

I have news. It's not that Paul supporters are idiots, the plain fact is that drivel like these two have written would reduce any normal thinking person to incoherent rage.

It is no wonder that such inane nattering produces comments like, "You suck."

Goldfarb trots out Reverend Wright like a circus trick dog and, for a change, decides to use his reprehensible guilt by association tactics on the Ron Paul camp. Why not? If it worked on Obama, it will work on Paul. No sense letting the truth stand in the way of a good smear.

Nalle, from his superior perch, actually has the gall to tell us the war in Iraq is over. Then, apparently just for fun, he goes on to explain how continuing the non-war is actually a peace position.

That sucks, alright.

I was talking to my son the other night. He told me that it was impossible to write political satire because the real political situation is more absurd than we can imagine.

We have a sitting President who manufactured reasons to go to war with a nation that presented no immediate threat to the US. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead.

The only constitutional conservative in the Presidential primaries was branded a nutjob and a kook because he didn't believe that debacle to be sound foreign policy.

When the GOP crashes and burns this November, bring a bag of marshmallows to roast.

It's going to be a hell of a show.

The refusal of Ron Paul supporters to quietly shrivel up and die has many concerned citizens sensing a vast conspiracy of unparalleled proportions.

"It's really scary," said Emily Wonkette. "I'm afraid the Paultards will kill somebody. Don't they know that it's over? Paul can't win, but they still keep trying to bring up issues and get people to listen to them. Why don't they just shut up? If people were concerned about issues, we wouldn't have CNN."

Even people calling themselves Libertarians fear the Paul conspiracy.

"We Libertarians had a perfectly good thing going on," complained Jamie Kirchick, rumored to be a reporter. "We would sit around and put together position papers on stuff like eliminating the US Postal Service and turning the roads over to corporations. People thought we were wackos, but smart wackos. Along comes this Ron Paul guy and starts talking about getting us out of foreign entanglements and following the constitution. Quixotic proposals like that attract people dumb enough to think that we can actually do something. We all know libertarianism isn't about anything like that. It's about empty intellectual pursuits and reading Randian romances. How stupid can you be?"

Gerald Burgermeister, a republican businessman, scoffed at the conspiracy's naive foreign policy. "If we let those idiots have their way, pretty soon we won't have any troops anywhere but here. Where would we be then? If we don't go around forcing democracy on people, how do you expect democracy to flourish? They're not going to vote it in unless we set up free elections with candidates of our choosing. If it works here, it works there. We need to protect our interests, and you can't do that by minding your own business."

"I hear they took over the Nevada Republican Convention and ran all the decent people out of there," added Mrs. Burgermeister, who does most of the thinking in the Burgermeister household. "Bad manners generally reflect bad policy. Worse than that, Ron Paul recently wrote a manifesto. I guess you know who else writes manifestos. Communists. That's who. Those people scare me."

In the interest of fairness, a reporter for gunnersykes.com tried to contact Ayn Rand to comment on her novels being called romances, but found out she was dead.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Thousands of pundits, bloggers, TV personalities, and just plain mean people converged in Puffbluff, Kentucky today for the first Ron Paul Gloatfest. The attendees are jubilant that John McCain has sewn up the Republican nomination making it impossible for Ron Paul to be the nominee.

"I said he couldn't win right from the gitgo," said George Stephanopoulos. "I said it right to his face, right on TV. I've been around. There's just no way voters are going to get on board with someone who has a haircut from a barber shop and a grasp of economic issues. Who did he think he was fooling?"

"You are so right, George, even though you are a commie pinko liberal," agreed Rush Limbaugh. "He was never going to be the nominee because I said he wasn't going to be the nominee. Even with that haircut, he could've made it if I said so."

"I knew he couldn't win because his supporters are all retards," whined Emily Wankette, girl internet reporter. "I asked one of them to briefly explain the rise of civilization and he told me my question had nothing to do with the Ron Paul Revolution. It was hilarious."

Ben Shalom Bernanke chimed in: "What a rube. Anyone who doesn't understand that our currency is backed by our tax dollars is totally null and void when it come to economic issues. If our currency starts failing we can always raise taxes and print more dollars for the people to pay them with. That's Econ 101."

"His anti-science attitude made me want to puke," said Milford Munford, of Science Nerds Against Religious Knowledge (SNARK). "When he said evolution was a theory, I actually peed my pants."

Gloatfest is scheduled for three more days. There is no charge to attend, but a donation to the newly formed Bipartisan Society for the Enforcement of the Status Quo is appreciated. Rudy Giuliani will be the keynote speaker, followed by refreshments and an old-fashioned hootenanny.

I was having a coffee at Starbuck's today when Ramblin' Bob Mauger saw me and sat down at my table. If you want to know what is really going on, just ask Ramblin' Bob.

"Those things are going to kill you," said Bob, observing my cigarette.

"I expect the second hand smoke will get you first." I said.

"Very funny."

"No, really. That second hand smoke is really dangerous stuff. I'm glad I don't have to breathe it."

I always sit outside and glare at the manager when she sticks her head out the door in response to a complaining smoke nazi. So far, I have managed to intimidate her into doing nothing. I know my days are numbered, but I plan to go down fighting.

"What are you working on?" asked Bob, eyeing my laptop.

"I"m thinking about doing a piece on Ron Paul."

"You're wasting your time. He can't win. He's done. Eighty-sixed. Had the lick," Bob told me.

"I didn't think he was going to grab the nomination. You need some serious juice to buck the Federal Reserve. I do think he's managed to make himself a national figure, and I've seen other cadidates adopt his rhetoric. Things could be worse."

"He's crazier than a hootie owl," replied Bob. "The only people who support him are nazis and truthers and goldbugs, a few stray wackos, and you. Besides, he owes me twenty bucks."

"Twenty bucks?"

"Yeah, I bought into that crap and sent him some money. That guy's sitting on twenty million bucks, and what do we have to show for it? Nothing. He's down in Texas laughing at us. He's spending all of it to get re-elected to his house seat. I can't believe you fell for that con."

"Guess I'm just gullible."

"No kidding. You know when he said that the federal government had no right to interfere with a woman's reproductive rights?"

"I remember." I said.

"I found out that all he really meant was that the government just shouldn't tell the states what to do. If a state wanted to make it illegal for a woman to have an abortion, the state could do it. Not only that, but he sad the Civil War should never have been fought, If it was up to him, we'd still have slavery. I don't even want to get into his foreign policy."

"What about it?" I asked.

"It's just incredible and naive. We can't bring all of our troops home. That's just stupid."

"Why?"

"It just is. They would attack us as soon as we did."

"Who are they?"

"Our enemies. Al Quaeda. The communists. Anybody who wanted to. They would see us as weak and just take over. He doesn't even think about our overseas interests."

"You mean American corporations with overseas interests?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. The man is an idiot. He needs to understand the real world. I should call him and ask for my twenty bucks back."

"Think he'd give it to you?"

"No. It's not even worth making the call.

"Sometimes, life just isn't fair." I said.

"You're right about that, buddy. I gotta go," said Bob.

"See you."

I lit another cigarette.

Today, speaking to a crowd of cheering republican faithful in a high school gym in Brownsville, Texas, John McCain vowed to carry on the Reagan legacy by falling asleep at any given moment.

"My friends," said McCain, "I was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution. I know what it takes to lead. I know what it takes to administrate this, the finest government in the finest country in the world. In order to do that, you need rest, lots of rest. I intend to nap every afternoon, and snooze during cabinet meetings. If you've ever heard General David Petraeus drone on about military logistical support, you would do the same."

"I was talking to General Petraeus just the other day about the importance of military secrecy concerning our supplies. Take toilet paper, for instance. I know it doesn't sound important on the surface, but it is. If our enemies in Iraq were privy to the amount of toilet paper we ship to our troops, they could simply count the number of rolls, divide by fifteen, and have a fairly good idea of the number of assholes we have in our armed forces. We must do everything we can to protect our brave men and women in uniform."

"I have noticed that both of my opponents are saying what they would do if they were President and the telephone rang at 3:00 AM. I tell you what I would do. I would go back to sleep. There's nothing that won't wait until morning. A man needs his rest."

Congressman Ron Paul, also campaigning in Texas, reacted to Senator McCain's comments: "That's the smartest thing I've ever heard John say. The more he sleeps, the better the country will be. At least he won't be thinking of new countries to invade."

Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Or anything else.

Washington D.C.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi revealed today that the House of Representatives has passed legislation repealing the law of gravity.

"I don't know why we didn't think of this before," said Pelosi. "Imagine what a boon this will be to the airlines alone. Credit is due to Jerry Brown. If he hadn't mentioned it at a cocktail party about a month ago, it would never have occurred to me. It is genius, pure genius."

"Of course I voted for it," said Dennis Kucinich. "Elizabeth and I have been doing it for years."

The lone dissenter in the house vote was Ron Paul. "This will be almost as big a debacle as when the democrats repealed the law of supply and demand under Roosevelt," opined the congressman from Texas.

Several prominent Democrats from the private sector and the senate questioned the wisdom of the proposal.

"It's definitely a step in the right direction," said Al Gore,"but what are we going to do with the increased traffic congestion in the airways? I can envision bicycles, automobiles, and former pedestrians all gently colliding with each other and moving slowly about with no apparent purpose. I don't think this legislation should pass until a thoughtful, thorough study is made of all the possible ramifications."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama was enthusiastic about the measure. "The future is here, people," he said. "No more will we be bound by the old ways holding us down. There is real hope for America now. Every man, woman, and child in this country will be able to go where they want with a simple push off any solid object. Our day is here."

"I do wish that boy-- er, I mean guy, would just shut up for a minute," opined Hillary Clinton.

No Republicans, other than Ron Paul, chose to comment on the legislation because they were hurt and resentful that they lacked the imagination to think of it.

"It will never work," said one bitter prominent republican who asked not to be identified. "I just know it."

Falls Church, VA.

Residents in this well-to-do Washington suburb were shocked today by an outbreak of violence against the child of an alleged Ron Paul supporter. Classes were suspended at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School until someone in authority, perhaps the President, says the crisis is over.

"Apparently, the child of a Ron Paul supporter heard something about the constitution in his home. He mentioned it in class and that seems to be what set the whole thing off," said Colonel Harry Reitze, Falls Church Chief of Police.

Tapes from security cameras plainly show a second grade student saying that Ron Paul supports the constitution.

"Get that Paultard!!" a classmate screamed and a mini-riot erupted.

"Yeah, anybody who don't believe in evolution is a moron," a child wearing a Bert and Ernie T shirt was heard to say as she gleefully beat her hapless victim with a copy of the latest Harry Potter novel. "Get him!!"

Others quickly joined in the assault. "My mama says Paultards are racists," said one delicate girls as she gave the "Paultard" a good whack with her chair.

"My mommy says you won't let her choose," said another as he kicked his victim.

Ms. Emily Wankette, a substitute teacher from Washington DC, who had charge of the class because the regular teacher developed the sniffles for the sixth time in the semester, lost her composure and jumped in the fray. "He'll close the public schools and make us all stupid. Yes, get that Paultard," she cried.

Order was restored only when Mr. Sebastian Moorehead, a teacher who taught in the classroom next to Ms. Wankettes's,
entered her classroom, sternly rapped on the desk with a ruler, and said, "Children!! Leave that Paultard alone. Ridicule, derision, and slander are one thing, but physically beating Paultards is not allowed. Get back to your seats. You, too, Ms. Wankette."

The victim was rushed to the hospital and treated for cuts and bruises and given psychological tests to try to ascertain the cause of his Paultardedness. Charges are pending against his parents for child abuse.

If you cannot see the image on this page, you are either a Fox News debate coordinator, or afflicted with RPS. The inability to see Dr. Paul is one baffling aspect of what scientists have dubbed "The Ron Paul Syndrome."

"We are unsure what cause RPS, but its existence is undeniable. It definitely affects members of the main stream media. For some reason, they are completely unable to see Dr. Paul," said Dr. Ramir Patel of Chicago University. "When he appears on televised debates, it is clear that he is not seen by the commentators. The total absence of any coverage by most major news media also lends credence to the existence of RPS."

Prevalent primarily in the main stream media, RPS also has extremely hazardous effects on progressive feminists.

"I was down at the salon the other day getting my nails done
when I heard that Ron Paul would take away my abortion rights and roll the cause of women's rights back to the 19th Century," groused Willie Wankette, a famous internet blogger.

"It just so happens that I had just came off a disastrous affair with an urbane gentleman who lied to me both about owning an island in the Caribbean and having a vasectomy. Now, when I need an abortion, I need an abortion. Personally, I believe that a woman's right to abortion extends to drive-through restaurants and grocery stores. I mean why not? It's not like they couldn't make that part of their job training. Anyway, I got lucky, and little Jamie Kirchick was there having a pedicure. He courageously performed an abortion on me right there in the salon using only the tools available. Now, that's what I call a man."

Ron Paul Syndrome has spread from Ms. Wankette's blog to other lesser known blogs.

"Every time I post about that racist scumbag who will take my grandmother's social security check away and leave me homeless, hundreds of wacko Paul supporters swarm my site and call me an idiot," complained Rufus, who refused to give his last name. "I really like the hit count, but they hurt my feelings. Why are they so rude?"

Dr. Patel promised further study of the perplexing problem.

"We haven't isolated the cause yet. It may be a virus. We'll keep working on it as long as the grant money holds out."

I like Ron Paul. I like everything about him. He is intelligent, affable; has a fine sense of humor. I don't think 911 was a nefarious government plot. Ron Paul doesn't think so, either. I don't think George Bush is a shape-shifting reptilian alien. I would just about bet that Ron Paul doesn't think so, either.

I am not particularly worried that a neo-nazi contributed $500.00 to Paul's campaign. I don't think that money will buy any influence with Ron Paul. I am pleased, though, that Dr. Paul didn't return the money and get into a tizzy about it. Everybody, even neo-nazis, can say what they please and give money to what candidate they please. I am perfectly happy to let neo-nazis spend their money on Doc Martins, rant on their websites, hell, march in Skokie, Illinois, even spit on the sidewalk-- as long as they harm no one.

I'm worried even less about what gay activist Jamie Kirchick managed to dig up in the old newsletters with Ron Paul's name on them. Kirchick's articles were nothing but a poor attempt at a smear campaign and a pathetic attempt by a beginning journalist to gain notoriety. I'm just a demented Paultard, but I do know what an out-of-context quote is. I have a vague recollection of what a false dilemma is. Sorry, Jamie, but Ron Paul doesn't strike me as a racist. In fact, he strikes me as the only candidate who is actually color-blind in this election. I don't think he cares at all about Afro-Americans, Hispanics, Chinese, women, gays, nazis or any other group you may name. I think he is concerned for everyone's individual rights. He has his priorities straight. No one is any more equal than anyone else.

There are things that do worry me. I worry about people who say that I am wasting my vote when I vote for Ron Paul. The only way to waste your vote is to vote for someone because you think they may win. If you want to make a bet, go see a bookie. If you want to vote for a candidate, look at the issues, then decide.

I worry, too, about people who think Paul is not a conservative because he thinks we have no business in Iraq. When did being a conservative ever involve supporting undeclared wars based on fictitious reasons, or, to be kind, faulty intelligence? I am willing to believe that Bush actually thought there were WMD in Iraq. Most people did. Saddam even led them to believe he had them. What I don't understand is why we're still over there. There ain't no WMD, folks. We looked. They're not there. Time to bring the troops home.

People who shrilly denounce Dr. Paul because he personally opposes abortion worry me, too. Apparently leaving abortion law to the states, where it belongs, is just a tad too inconvenient for them. In the few states that would ban abortion, the mere thought of driving across a state line, or taking a plane to have an abortion gives them a case of the galloping fantods. Do we need an abortion clinic on every corner in case a condom breaks? Sure. Make it a drive-through.

The real reason that I want to see Ron Paul as President is because I am tired. I am tired of taking my shoes off at airports while government employees scan my belongings to make sure I'm not a "terrist." I am tired of the possibility of government thugs kicking down my door because they think I might have drugs in my home. I am tired of candidates at debates laughing like gibbering apes when a man of ideas speaks. I am tired of the IRS getting their grubby little hands on my paycheck before I do. I am tired of my money being worth less and less every year. I am tired of sending our young men and women to kill or be killed in a useless, illegal war.


That's why I'm a Paultard.

I am just plain tired.

The results of the RNC's long-awaited investigation into the Ron Paul virus were announced today by Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the RNC. The investigation, sponsored by Premiere Election Systems, confirmed the suspicions of all right-thinking Americans.

"There is no support for Ron Paul." said Mehlman. "The only supporter he has is a 14-year-old kid named Spanky Allison who has built a spam empire after being kicked out of school for publishing hacks of several pornography site passwords on his high school's website. We have arrested the kid. After tasering him a few times, he fessed right up."

To confirm the findings, a scientific poll, conducted by Fox News, asked the following question to over eleven registered Republicans who own Buicks:

"Would you vote for an anarchistic scumbag who will take your grandmother's Social Security away and leave her to be kicked and pummeled by drug-crazed street gangs who mince about wearing stiletto heels and torn pantyhose?"

Not surprisingly, ALL of those polled responded with a resounding no.

"Ron Paul does not have any support whatsoever. Republican voters overwhelmingly reject the very idea of grandmother abuse by cross-dressing street gangs." explained Mehlman. "At last we've found the cause of all this poll-skewing on the internet. I mean what good is a poll when it doesn't even agree with the expected outcome? The man simply has no respect for science."

Barack Obama, allegedly a serious candidate for the Presidency, chimed in: "I respect the findings of the RNC on this momentous issue. We must embrace the challenges of today in order to assure the intricate machinations of a future very much in doubt by many prominent thinkers who have opined that global warming is a salient fact in spite of the documented instances of many poor people freezing their asses off in the winter months. We must move forward with resilience, determination, proper attitude, and great hope toward a tomorrow filled with ever new promises of peace and prosperity."

Rudy Giuliani, when asked to comment, simply turned up his microphone and snickered.

Spanky Allison is being held without bond in an undetermined location pending the findings of a grand jury which may or may not ever convene. President Bush has suggested that Allison be tried by military tribunal and awaits the advice of the Attorney General on the matter if congress decides to let him have another one.

Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.