The results of the RNC's long-awaited investigation into the Ron Paul virus were announced today by Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the RNC. The investigation, sponsored by Premiere Election Systems, confirmed the suspicions of all right-thinking Americans.

"There is no support for Ron Paul." said Mehlman. "The only supporter he has is a 14-year-old kid named Spanky Allison who has built a spam empire after being kicked out of school for publishing hacks of several pornography site passwords on his high school's website. We have arrested the kid. After tasering him a few times, he fessed right up."

To confirm the findings, a scientific poll, conducted by Fox News, asked the following question to over eleven registered Republicans who own Buicks:

"Would you vote for an anarchistic scumbag who will take your grandmother's Social Security away and leave her to be kicked and pummeled by drug-crazed street gangs who mince about wearing stiletto heels and torn pantyhose?"

Not surprisingly, ALL of those polled responded with a resounding no.

"Ron Paul does not have any support whatsoever. Republican voters overwhelmingly reject the very idea of grandmother abuse by cross-dressing street gangs." explained Mehlman. "At last we've found the cause of all this poll-skewing on the internet. I mean what good is a poll when it doesn't even agree with the expected outcome? The man simply has no respect for science."

Barack Obama, allegedly a serious candidate for the Presidency, chimed in: "I respect the findings of the RNC on this momentous issue. We must embrace the challenges of today in order to assure the intricate machinations of a future very much in doubt by many prominent thinkers who have opined that global warming is a salient fact in spite of the documented instances of many poor people freezing their asses off in the winter months. We must move forward with resilience, determination, proper attitude, and great hope toward a tomorrow filled with ever new promises of peace and prosperity."

Rudy Giuliani, when asked to comment, simply turned up his microphone and snickered.

Spanky Allison is being held without bond in an undetermined location pending the findings of a grand jury which may or may not ever convene. President Bush has suggested that Allison be tried by military tribunal and awaits the advice of the Attorney General on the matter if congress decides to let him have another one.

Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.