Several prominent Republicans are incensed at Senator Barack Obama for his use of race as an issue during the 2008 campaign.

"Don't tell me he isn't making race an issue," said President George W. Bush. "Every time he does a television commercial or makes a speech, there it is -- a black man running for President."

"If Obama isn't making race an issue, then why is he black?" asked Rush Limbaugh, noted radio commentator and white person.

"The emergence of a black man as a Presidential contender changes the entire campaign," complained Republican strategist Kate Obenshain. "If we trot out images of menacing black criminals to scare the hell out of suburban housewives, the Democrats will accuse us of racist pandering. It's nothing of the sort. It's just a fact that suburban housewives are afraid of imaginary black criminals. We don't own the media, you know. We just use it to cater to unfounded fears. Besides, Republicans are very adept at dealing with black criminal stereotypes. It's one of our strong suits, and now it's being taken away."

Chris LaCivita, who helped organize the Swift Boat media blitz, was livid. "Here's a guy who's never been in the military, never been involved in a financial scandal, and never had an extra-marital affair. Any time we smear him as cowardly or lacivious, someone starts whining about racial stereotypes. At least we nailed John Edwards. That's something."

Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, who isn't a Republican, but wants to be, stated: "Every time I try to paint him as a Muslim, someone brings up the race issue. It's not a race issue, it's a religious issue. Do you really want a Muslim in the White House? Or even someone who has a Muslim middle name? Would you want Louis Farrakhan in the White House? Well, Obama knows him. What if he invited Louis Farrakhan to dinner at the White House? What about that?"

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Thousands of Republican voters across America breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday when the Obama campaign revealed that the Democratic presidential hopeful was a distant cousin of the 50s television icon Howdy Doody.

"For the first time, I feel comfortable voting for Obama," said Gerald Burgermeister, who was considering voting for John McCain. "Anyone related to old Howdy has to be alright. I knew he was related to Vice President Cheney, but that was just kind of creepy."

"Obama is much less threatening to me now," said noted Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly. "I have fond memories of Howdy, Flubadub, and Clarabelle. I cannot imagine a relative of Howdy ever mugging me in a dark alley or knocking off a convenience store."

The relationship between Obama and Howdy was brought to the attention of the Obama campaign by Calvin B. Flowers, a talented amateur genealogist from Paducah, Kentucky. "I noticed a resemblance between the two of them and started digging. Pretty soon, I came up with incontrovertible evidence from old copies of TV Guide and researching the web. Howdy Doody is Obama's second cousin twice removed on his mother's side."

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was unavailable for comment because everyone is tired of listening to him and he needs a break.

"Even though he is related to Howdy Doody, he still refused to visit wounded American troops while he was gadding about the Middle East and Europe acting presidential," said Frank Donatelli, the deputy chairman of the Republican National Committee. "If he had visited them, he would've been guilty of playing to the sympathies of the public by taking advantage of the wounded for purely political purposes. It is plain to anyone with the sense of a rutabaga that the man is just another politician."

Donatelli quickly quashed the rumor that John McCain is related to Mortimer Snerd. "No, he isn't related to Snerd," he explained. "I don't know how that got started. Besides, most voters don't have a clue who Howdy Doody is, let alone Mortimer Snerd. There would be no advantage to making that information public."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo by J. D. Truesilver

WASHINGTON - Boldly living up to his promise never to set a schedule for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq, President George Bush announced that he and Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki have agreed instead on a time horizon for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

"Horizons are not schedules or timetables," President Bush explained.."Horizons are something that the sun sets behind. Like the sun, American troops will gently, gradually sink into the horizon, or at least move to Afghanistan, which is over the horizon from Iraq, I think."

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, was moved to tears by the agreement. "It's so poetic I can't help but get a little misty when I think of it," he said. "I only wish General Douglas MacArthur could be here to see it. Old soldiers never die, they just gently vanish over the horizon like sand in the hourglass that is the days of our lives."

"I knew the surge would work, that's why I suggested it," mused Senator John McCain. "I really didn't think it would be reminiscent of the gentle surge of the Mediterranean lapping like a contented lover against a warm inviting beach. This is a proud moment for America."

Reverend Jesse Jackson, who lately has taken to crude speech, took umbrage with McCain's remarks. "Somebody tell that peckerwood that I got his surge and he can lap it till his tongue gets tired. That's right. Live with it."

Barack Obama quickly denounced Jackson's comments, calling them offensive. "John McCain is a legitimate American hero and I respect his service. I would no more call him a peckerwood than I would call him an ofay or a chuck," he said. "This campaign is going to be about issues, not epithets. Lay off the paddy. I mean it."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

NEW YORK- In what many see as a valiant bi-partisan effort, Fox News commentator and noted author Bill O'Reilly announced that he was forming a non-profit corporation dedicated to saving Senator Barack Obama's testicles.

"I hate to see anyone lose their testicles, even menacing political figures who may well be Muslim terrorists and elitist pacifists who have no respect for hard-working Americans," said O'Reilly.

O'Reilly proposed funding the corporation through private donations on the internet.

"If it worked for Ron Paul, it should work for Obama's testicles," observed O'Reilly. "We can reach young people and those who have purchased penis enlargement pills-- market segments who fully understand the importance of protecting testicles. Many of them are liberals and should be receptive."

Mr. O'Reilly outlined the priorities for his new organization.

"The first thing we will do is put 24-hour surveillance on Reverend Jesse Jackson. I don't think he is making empty threats(see video below). I have always thought there was an undertow of violence in the man's character. We will also aid the Secret Service in their mission to protect what may become the first jewels by having an expert team of investigative journalist make daily reports as to the health of Obama's private parts. We also plan to purchase seven athletic supporters complete with cups for Obama to wear, one for each day of the week. Everyone, regardless of political affiliation, may contribute and join. People who donate over one hundred dollars will receive a handsome kangaroo scrotum bottle opener."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

WASHINGTON- Several out-of-town visitors to the Smithsonian Institution National Museum of Natural History were severely frightened when they saw what they believed to be a mummy come to life and shuffle toward them.

"I almost had a heart attack," said Lana Gladdis of Paducah, Kentucky. "When I saw that thing just get up and start walking with its arm in front of it like that. I thought it was going for my throat."

"It was really creepy," opined Roger Bisby of West Memphis, Arkansas. "It out-creeped Madame Tussaud's, and that's pretty damned creepy. I wondered what the hell it was doing with all those Secret Service types surrounding it."

Carl Taylor, Security Manager, quickly responded to the incident. "I heard all the screaming and grabbed a couple of guards. It was mayhem. I was afraid there was going to be a riot. Children were running for their parents. I was afraid someone would be trampled."

"It was all just a case of mistaken identity," explained Dr. Cristián Samper, a director at the museum. "Apparently Senator John McCain had visited us with no warning and fallen asleep on one of our benches. When he awoke from his nap, he was a little disoriented and stumbled toward a group of tourists. We apologize for any inconvenience."

"John McCain is a genuine American hero," said Senator Barack Obama. "I honor him for his service and sympathize with those he frightened. Now maybe people will understand why I don't want to hang around with him at town hall meetings or go to Iraq with him. The guy just creeps me out. I can't help it."

Speakers for the McCain campaign had no comment on the incident other than to accuse Senator Obama of age discrimination.

Ms. Gladdis was arrested for threatening a Presidential candidate with her purse. She is being held without bail at an undisclosed federal facility according to Ellsworth Mauger of the FBI.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo work by the inimitable J. D. Truesilver

President George W. Bush prepared for delicate negotiations with China concerning investment and energy policy in a meeting on Tuesday with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said the meeting was cordial, but Ms. Rice left the meeting early "most likely because of a female problem."

"You just never know with a woman," added Perino.

The discovery of a disturbing drawing that might be the work of Michelle Obama while she was in the second grade has Republicans expressing doubts about Mrs. Obama's qualifications to be first lady.

The drawing shows military tanks, mortars, and Jeeps interspersed with children in a haphazard fashion.

McCain adviser Randy Scheunemann, in a hastily called news conference, stated. "While this drawing may or may not be the work of Michelle Obama as a child, it certainly shows the working of a disturbed mind. Do we really want to take a chance on a person like this?"

"At the very least, this drawing shows absolutely no concern for the safety of children," said Bill O'Reilly, who has not had sexual harassment charges filed against him in several months. "Maybe she cares about her children, but it's pretty plain that she doesn't care a hoot or a holler about anyone else's."

Noted psychologist John Duckstazo thought the drawing was possibly related to a childhood trauma. "She was probably frightened by a war film, or possibly a soldier," he said. "All of the children in the picture are white. Perhaps it shows an unconscious desire for white people to be run over by tanks. I have never met Mrs. Obama, but if she says she's not proud to be an American, it makes sense that she would want white people to be crushed by tanks."

"My wife, who is normal, taught school for a while," said President George W. Bush. "If a kid ever turned anything like that into her, she would've had the child removed, evaluated, and placed in foster care. You can never be too careful."

Republicans everywhere are being asked by the RNC to circulate the drawing via email to alert the public about the possible menace.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

I love this video. Only problem is that they should include Obama in the mix. You take Sally, I'll take Sue. Ain't no difference between the two.

Rumors of a strange creature similar to Mothman and the Jersey Devil haunting the parks of Washington DC have circulated for years in the beltway. Most people dismissed them as fantasy and the raving of New Age airheads-- that is until the creature was captured last night by a heroic federal agent.

"I was walking by the Washington Monument for my evening stroll about nine when I heard a ghastly scream," said Special Agent Ellsworth Mauger. "I pulled my trusty .357 and hurried toward the sound. What I discovered will disturb my dreams for the rest of my life."

Official reports say that Ms. Anne Schwarzkopf, a tourist from Puffbluff, Kentucky was accosted by a long-haired, emaciated being who confronted her and screamed epithets.

"It was horrible," confided Ms. Schwarzkopf. "It was undoubtedly the most sarcastic thing I've ever seen or heard. First it called me a fascist lackey. Then it said I was a Godless slut who had serial abortions because I couldn't keep my legs together. Then it began to dance about like a demented gnome and demand that I write in Hillary Clinton for President or it would climb on me like ten bad Mexicans. If Mr. Mauger hadn't come along, I'm sure it would've done something too unspeakable to contemplate."

Agent Mauger resolved the situation by whacking the creature on the head with his pistol, knocking it unconscious. He called the local police who dispatched a cruiser and an ambulance. The creature was taken to Howard University Hospital for emergency treatment.

Specialists performed DNA testing to determine the species of the strangely man-like monster. Shockingly, the creature proved to be the love child of Ann Coulter and James Carville.

"We were amazed," said Dr. John Distazo, Emergency DNA Analyst. "The thing had a vaguely familiar look. We investigated and found that apparently both Mr. Carville and Ms. Coulter had a little too much to drink at a cocktail party 17 years ago. One thing led to another and the Park Monster was the inevitable result. Ms. Coulter has always been a staunch opponent of abortion, so she had the child and dropped it into a dumpster. Somehow, it survived."

"This is the first I've heard about it," retorted Mr. Carville when questioned about the incident. "I was drunk. Don't tell me you wouldn't do it if you had the chance."

Ms. Coulter has generously donated the child to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History for further study.

"If we can all learn something from this, it will have been worth it," she said.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

With apologies to Lewis Carrol.

One day, all important Democrats gathered in a special place to make a very important decision. Their two candidates were locked in a contest that could not be decided by the voters. So the very wisest of Democrats came from all over the nation to ponder the problem and offer the nomination to the candidate with the best qualities.

"The very best thing we can do," said Jimmy Carter, who was perhaps the wisest of them all, "is to conduct a Caucus-race."

"What is a Caucus-race?" said Hillary Clinton; not that she much wanted to know, but Al Gore had tilted his head and stroked his chin as if he thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

"Why," said Al Gore, "the best way to explain it is to do it." (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Democrats managed it.)

First they marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle ("the exact shape doesn’t matter," they said), and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there.

There was no "One, two, three, and away!" but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite exhausted, Nancy Pelosi suddenly called out "The race is over!" and they all crowded round her, panting, and asking, "But who has won?"

"We must ask Jimmy Carter," said Nancy.

This question Jimmy Carter could not answer without a great deal of thought, and he stood for a long time with one finger pressed upon his forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence.

At last Jimmy Carter said, "Everybody has won, and all must have prizes."

"But who is to give the prizes?" quite a chorus of voices asked.

"Why, she, of course," said Jimmy Carter, pointing to Hillary Clinton with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out, in a confused way, "Prizes! Prizes!"

Hillary had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out the votes from Michigan and Florida (luckily there were no hanging chads or Supreme Court decisions to hinder her), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one vote a-piece, all round.

"But she must have a prize herself, you know," said Edward Kennedy.

"Of course," Al Gore replied very gravely. "What else have you got in your pocket?" he went on, turning to Hillary.

"Only the Vice Presidency," said Hillary sadly.

"Hand it over here," said Nancy Pelosi.

Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Speaker of the House solemnly presented the Vice Presidency, saying:

"We beg your acceptance of this elegant office"; and, when she had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

Hillary thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the Vice Presidency, looking as solemn as she could.

The next thing was to share the votes with Barack Obama: this caused some noise and confusion, as the large players complained that they could not get enough prizes for their constituencies, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back.

"It really does get curiouser and curiouser, doesn't it?" said Hillary.

"You don't know the half." replied Barack Obama.

The premiere of a video that shows an extra-terrestrial peeking into a living room window in Colorado has presidential hopeful Barack Obama up in arms. The video has been authenticated by an instructor with thirty years of experience from the Colorado Film School in Denver.

"If you see a four foot tall space alien peeking through your window, by all means draw your curtains or lower your blinds," Obama advised."My experience on the streets of Chicago tells me that these little geeks can be dangerous. Space aliens do not speak for me or my campaign. I denounce them, but I will meet with them if necessary."

Likely Republican nominee John McCain was quick to respond. "Mr. Obama's response to the alien menace shows the depth of his immaturity and a singular lack of vision," said McCain. "My experience as a fighter pilot enables me to handle situations like this efficiently. If you see a UFO, gun it down. If you see an alien peeking through your window, get your 12-gauge and blast it back to perdition. We can only negotiate through strength. I will meet with space aliens only on my terms."

The Clinton camp took a more pragmatic view. "All votes should be counted," said former President Bill Clinton, speaking for his wife."If the alien was born in the US, it has the constitutional right to vote. We estimate that there are at least a million of these little peepers running around loose based on the frequency of reports. Hillary's views on space exploration are well known. Only a hare-brained fascist or a punk kid from Chicago would say aliens would not vote for Hillary.That puts us ahead in the popular vote and should secure the nomination. In fact, I have communicated telepathically with several aliens, and they all support Hillary."

Dark horse Republican candidate Ron Paul published a statement on his website. "I don't hold with aliens peeping through windows. If they want to fly around and watch people, they have every right to do so."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich shrugged and said I told you so.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Will George W. Bush be upset by former White House press secretary Scott McClellan's book?

No.

It's not like he can actually read it, is it?

A federal grand jury heard testimony from three Iraqis yesterday concerning the killing of 17 civilians in Baghdad by Blackwater Worldwide last September. Federal prosecuters are toiling to find out if any of the government contractors can be charged with a crime in the US since an occupation decree prevents them from being charged under Iraqi law.

"It's a knotty question," said Kenneth Kohl of the federal prosecution team. "A federal grand jury can pretty much do anything it wants any time it wants, but the question of whether it's illegal to kill Iraqis in Iraq just stumps the hell out of us."

"It appears to be a question of quantity, not quality," chimed in Stephen Ponticiello, another member of the prosecution team. "If you kill 17 civilians because you are a trigger happy cowboy, that may be a criminal act. If you bomb a major city for invented reasons killing thousands, it's pretty clear that you are a statesman. If the contractors had killed a few thousand Iraqis, I don't think there would be a problem."

President George W. Bush responded indirectly to the incident today in a commencement speech before the United States Air Force Academy. "We must make war more precise," he said. "We need to find them terrorists and kill' em and leave them civilians alone. It's unfortunate, that's what it is."

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reacted in a practical manner. "You boys be nice," she told the contractors. "We're going to renew your contracts because you haven't been charged with anything, and I know you need the money. Just to make sure you're being nice, I am going to make you put cameras on all your vehicles. That way if you're naughty, we'll know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Heaven help us. This woman is in the Senate.

In what may be the most bizarre incident of the 2008 primary season, investigators for the John McCain campaign have discovered that Mitt Romney is an ingenious blend of state of the art robotics and artificial intelligence based on the popular 80's television character Max Headroom.

"We were doing the vetting of possible running mates for Senator McCain when one of our staff noticed that Mitt Romney had an uncanny resemblance to Max Headroom," said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager. "We traced his origins from the Headroom television show, to the Disney Animatronics Division, on through AI researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. We were shocked. He looks amazingly life-like."

"I always knew there was something weird about that guy." commented Congressman Ron Paul. "No wonder he couldn't connect with the public. Let's see who has the last laugh on this one."

The discovery triggered a hot debate among scientists and religionists over whether or not the Romneybot should be considered a sentient being.

"It walks and talks and responds to outer stimulii," stated Richard Dawkins. evolutionary biologist and ardent atheist. "It does all the things humans do better than most. The Rommeybot is the next step in human evolution. There is no doubt that its' jokes aren't funny, and it seems a little stiff, but many humans have those same traits. I don't know if its' CPU is capable of programming itself. If it is, this is a sentient being."

"White folks is crazy," replied Reverend Jeremiah Wright, first Pastor to be thrown under the political bus in 2008. "That thing ain't got no soul. I knew it the first time I ever saw it."

"I'm just glad it's not Jewish," said Reverend John Hagee, second Pastor to be thrown under the political bus in 2008. "That's all I have to say."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo work by J. D. Truesilver

Moving to shore up his conservative political base today, John McCain proposed a revolutionary new plan to stem the tide of illegal immigrants across the US-Mexico border.

"I get the message, my friends," said McCain. "Something must be done about the immigration issue. For too long, illegal immigrants have been pouring into this country, cleaning our houses, and mowing our lawns. In order to put a stop to this ever-growing problem, I am bringing a bill before congress this week to put a line of demarcation across the entire US-Mexico border. Anyone who crosses the line without permission will promptly be asked to leave in no uncertain terms."

The details of the plan, just released to the press, entail using baseball chalk markers like those used in little league fields across the country to lay down a marker across all states that border Mexico.

"It's pure genius," remarked Bill O'Reilly, the famous desk whacker from Fox News. "It will increase employment in this country while keeping out drunk driving illegal immigrants who present a very real and grave threat to all Americans."

"I just don't know about this," opined Lou Dobbs, Chief Immigrant Basher for CNN. "I agree with it on principle, but what if it rains? Will they roll out tarps to cover the lines? I will want to look a little deeper into the particulars of this proposal before I can fully support it."

Jerry Brown, Attorney General of the State of California, was not enamored of the proposal. "If this guy gets elected President, buy me a ticket to Toronto," said Brown. "Has he even thought about the environmental impact of laying a chalk line down in our state? Of course not. The man is a menace. Our Governor is a menace, too. Eight years of Bush and now this? Please."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

The success of the Transportation Security Administration's Screening Passengers by Observation Technique program, known as SPOT, has prompted a congressional bi-partisan committee to propose the creation of the Federal Bureau of Crime Prevention to curtail criminal activity before it happens.

The SPOT program caused a stir among civil libertarians and other cranks a few months ago when it was revealed that the TSA had several highly trained agents on duty to ferret out potential terrorists by reading their facial expressions.

"The program has been a tremendous success," said Kip Hawley, TSA Administrator. "We have stopped thousands of people in airports based upon their suspicious facial expressions. After detaining them and subjecting them to intensive interrogation techniques, not a single one of them has committed an act of terrorism. No sane person can argue with results like that."

"My friends," said presidential hopeful John McCain. "Nothing is as important as the safety of our children, our homes, and our country. Now with this new technology, we can prevent crime before it happens. The Federal Bureau of Crime Prevention will be charged with finding potential criminals and incarcerating them before they can do any harm to the public. We will institute training programs for local law enforcement agencies and citizens groups. Some of the fine women in Mothers Against Drunk Drivers have already contacted me about using the techniques to catch drunk drivers before they take a drink. There is real hope for a safer America."

Senator Hillary Clinton agreed that the bureau would significantly reduce crime. "If it saves even one child from being molested, the expense has justified itself," she said. "Let criminals and terrorists beware."

A few uneducated outliers, many of whom appeared to be from West Virginia, questioned the legality of establishing the new government bureau. Gunnersykes.com will not mention their names because giving publicity to such people only encourages them.

Bruce Ackerman, Sterling Professor of Law and Political Science at Yale Law School, took the time from his busy day to reply to such ridiculous nattering: "There is nothing in US law that protects the right to look like a criminal," he said. "If someone wants to go about looking like a criminal, it is the sovereign right of the government to detain him or her, question the suspect, and incarcerate them if they refuse to identify themselves. The safety of the people is paramount."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Political junkies, pundits, and even a few feminist groups were buzzing today about a possible Obama-Edwards ticket. In the wake of Mr. Edwards' coming endorsement of Senator Obama's candidacy, the possibility for the cutest ticket in recent memory is too enticing for many to resist.

"There's just no doubt that John Edwards is the cutest little thing, and Obama isn't far behind," said Barbara Walters, who used to be a journalist. "John McCain looks like Popeye. No one is going to vote for him.."

"Oh shut up, Barbara." quipped Star Jones. "You wouldn't know cute if it slithered up your leg. Edward Brooke? Damn, girl."

Other pundits weighed in on the cute factor to fill air time.

"Edwards is just a little too cute, if you ask me," opined Ann Coulter, syndicated columnist and denizen of Fox News. "Curious George and the Carolina Fairy? That is too cute."

Lou Dobbs predicted a bright future for the Obama-Edwards ticket. "I was tremendously worried that Senator Obama would pick Bill Richardson for the ticket," he pontificated. "This ticket has legs. We won't have to worry about criminals swarming across our southern border carrying knives, selling drugs, and raping our women folk. It's time we stood up. Don't we deserve a government that works? Obama is not as cute as Jack Kennedy, possibly the cutest President ever, but Edwards is so much cuter than Lyndon Johnson that he balances the ticket in Obama's favor. The Republicans better pack their bags."

"Hillary's not getting out," said campaign manager Maggie Willians. "We are negotiating with both George Clooney and Brad Pitt right now. She's not just another pretty face, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Noted CNN pundit Lou Dobbs died from what medical authorities are calling apoplexy when an illegal immigrant cut in front of him in line at a convenience store today.

"I thought he was just looking at the doughnuts, man," said Luis Rodriguez Ramirez, of Guadalajara, Mexico. "He just went a little crazy, turned blue, and started squawking like a chicken. I didn't think he was going to die. I'm real sorry about that."

Ramirez was taken into custody by INS agents and charged with insufferable rudeness and obstructing a pundit. US Attorney Jeffrey A. Taylor said the Mr. Ramirez may be charged with more serious crimes as soon as he can think of any that are appropriate.

Medical authorities said Mr. Dobbs died en route to George Washington University Hospital. He was pronounced dead on arrival.

"I'm sure I speak for all of us at CNN when I say that Lou will be missed. No one could rail on Obama and Mexicans like Lou. He leaves a big hole in both our programming schedule and our hearts," said Tucker Carlson.

Bill O'Reilly promptly called for a public lynching of Mr. Ramirez, but could only find support from Sean Hannity and Terry Warrick, a freelance camera man who said he would do it for a case of beer.

When syndicated columnist Ann Coulter was informed of Mr. Dobbs' death, she said, "Oh yeah, him. He died, huh? Too bad."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

The refusal of Ron Paul supporters to quietly shrivel up and die has many concerned citizens sensing a vast conspiracy of unparalleled proportions.

"It's really scary," said Emily Wonkette. "I'm afraid the Paultards will kill somebody. Don't they know that it's over? Paul can't win, but they still keep trying to bring up issues and get people to listen to them. Why don't they just shut up? If people were concerned about issues, we wouldn't have CNN."

Even people calling themselves Libertarians fear the Paul conspiracy.

"We Libertarians had a perfectly good thing going on," complained Jamie Kirchick, rumored to be a reporter. "We would sit around and put together position papers on stuff like eliminating the US Postal Service and turning the roads over to corporations. People thought we were wackos, but smart wackos. Along comes this Ron Paul guy and starts talking about getting us out of foreign entanglements and following the constitution. Quixotic proposals like that attract people dumb enough to think that we can actually do something. We all know libertarianism isn't about anything like that. It's about empty intellectual pursuits and reading Randian romances. How stupid can you be?"

Gerald Burgermeister, a republican businessman, scoffed at the conspiracy's naive foreign policy. "If we let those idiots have their way, pretty soon we won't have any troops anywhere but here. Where would we be then? If we don't go around forcing democracy on people, how do you expect democracy to flourish? They're not going to vote it in unless we set up free elections with candidates of our choosing. If it works here, it works there. We need to protect our interests, and you can't do that by minding your own business."

"I hear they took over the Nevada Republican Convention and ran all the decent people out of there," added Mrs. Burgermeister, who does most of the thinking in the Burgermeister household. "Bad manners generally reflect bad policy. Worse than that, Ron Paul recently wrote a manifesto. I guess you know who else writes manifestos. Communists. That's who. Those people scare me."

In the interest of fairness, a reporter for gunnersykes.com tried to contact Ayn Rand to comment on her novels being called romances, but found out she was dead.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.