Several prominent Republicans are incensed at Senator Barack Obama for his use of race as an issue during the 2008 campaign.

"Don't tell me he isn't making race an issue," said President George W. Bush. "Every time he does a television commercial or makes a speech, there it is -- a black man running for President."

"If Obama isn't making race an issue, then why is he black?" asked Rush Limbaugh, noted radio commentator and white person.

"The emergence of a black man as a Presidential contender changes the entire campaign," complained Republican strategist Kate Obenshain. "If we trot out images of menacing black criminals to scare the hell out of suburban housewives, the Democrats will accuse us of racist pandering. It's nothing of the sort. It's just a fact that suburban housewives are afraid of imaginary black criminals. We don't own the media, you know. We just use it to cater to unfounded fears. Besides, Republicans are very adept at dealing with black criminal stereotypes. It's one of our strong suits, and now it's being taken away."

Chris LaCivita, who helped organize the Swift Boat media blitz, was livid. "Here's a guy who's never been in the military, never been involved in a financial scandal, and never had an extra-marital affair. Any time we smear him as cowardly or lacivious, someone starts whining about racial stereotypes. At least we nailed John Edwards. That's something."

Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, who isn't a Republican, but wants to be, stated: "Every time I try to paint him as a Muslim, someone brings up the race issue. It's not a race issue, it's a religious issue. Do you really want a Muslim in the White House? Or even someone who has a Muslim middle name? Would you want Louis Farrakhan in the White House? Well, Obama knows him. What if he invited Louis Farrakhan to dinner at the White House? What about that?"

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Thousands of Republican voters across America breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday when the Obama campaign revealed that the Democratic presidential hopeful was a distant cousin of the 50s television icon Howdy Doody.

"For the first time, I feel comfortable voting for Obama," said Gerald Burgermeister, who was considering voting for John McCain. "Anyone related to old Howdy has to be alright. I knew he was related to Vice President Cheney, but that was just kind of creepy."

"Obama is much less threatening to me now," said noted Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly. "I have fond memories of Howdy, Flubadub, and Clarabelle. I cannot imagine a relative of Howdy ever mugging me in a dark alley or knocking off a convenience store."

The relationship between Obama and Howdy was brought to the attention of the Obama campaign by Calvin B. Flowers, a talented amateur genealogist from Paducah, Kentucky. "I noticed a resemblance between the two of them and started digging. Pretty soon, I came up with incontrovertible evidence from old copies of TV Guide and researching the web. Howdy Doody is Obama's second cousin twice removed on his mother's side."

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was unavailable for comment because everyone is tired of listening to him and he needs a break.

"Even though he is related to Howdy Doody, he still refused to visit wounded American troops while he was gadding about the Middle East and Europe acting presidential," said Frank Donatelli, the deputy chairman of the Republican National Committee. "If he had visited them, he would've been guilty of playing to the sympathies of the public by taking advantage of the wounded for purely political purposes. It is plain to anyone with the sense of a rutabaga that the man is just another politician."

Donatelli quickly quashed the rumor that John McCain is related to Mortimer Snerd. "No, he isn't related to Snerd," he explained. "I don't know how that got started. Besides, most voters don't have a clue who Howdy Doody is, let alone Mortimer Snerd. There would be no advantage to making that information public."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo by J. D. Truesilver

WASHINGTON - Boldly living up to his promise never to set a schedule for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq, President George Bush announced that he and Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki have agreed instead on a time horizon for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

"Horizons are not schedules or timetables," President Bush explained.."Horizons are something that the sun sets behind. Like the sun, American troops will gently, gradually sink into the horizon, or at least move to Afghanistan, which is over the horizon from Iraq, I think."

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, was moved to tears by the agreement. "It's so poetic I can't help but get a little misty when I think of it," he said. "I only wish General Douglas MacArthur could be here to see it. Old soldiers never die, they just gently vanish over the horizon like sand in the hourglass that is the days of our lives."

"I knew the surge would work, that's why I suggested it," mused Senator John McCain. "I really didn't think it would be reminiscent of the gentle surge of the Mediterranean lapping like a contented lover against a warm inviting beach. This is a proud moment for America."

Reverend Jesse Jackson, who lately has taken to crude speech, took umbrage with McCain's remarks. "Somebody tell that peckerwood that I got his surge and he can lap it till his tongue gets tired. That's right. Live with it."

Barack Obama quickly denounced Jackson's comments, calling them offensive. "John McCain is a legitimate American hero and I respect his service. I would no more call him a peckerwood than I would call him an ofay or a chuck," he said. "This campaign is going to be about issues, not epithets. Lay off the paddy. I mean it."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

WASHINGTON- Barack Obama supporters, Barack Obama, John McCain supporters, and John McCain took turns bemoaning the fact that the New Yorker plans a July 21st cover depicting the assumptive Democratic nominee and his wife as gun-toting Arab terrorists with an American flag burning in their fireplace.

"Americans are stupid enough to take the cover lampoon seriously," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton. "When you are dealing with bitter inbred rednecks who are into God and guns, you can never be too careful. You just never know when one will decide to kill an Arab for Jesus. At the very least, this cover puts every convenience store clerk in middle America in danger."

"This is over the top," agreed Tucker Bounds, spokesman for the McCain campaign. "Depicting Barack Hussein Obama as a potentially dangerous terrorist is absolutely disgusting. If they'd put him in a dress supporting gay marriage, maybe that would have been appropriate. I can see portraying him as light-loafered sissy boy, but there's no need to go as far as they've gone."

U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings was appalled. "Many states do not have the concept of irony in their curriculums until the senior year of high school," she said. "Most of them do not grasp the concept then. How can you expect someone who cannot find Iowa on a map to properly interpret a magazine cover showing such outrageous nincompoopery? The press needs to show some responsibility here."

"I fully support Barack Obama in his efforts to be President even though most of his supporters are exactly the type of pseudo-intellectual elitist puffballs who read the New Yorker," said Hillary Clinton. "Real Americans who see the cover on newsstands will either nod sagely as they pass by or ignore it completely.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

WASHINGTON- Several out-of-town visitors to the Smithsonian Institution National Museum of Natural History were severely frightened when they saw what they believed to be a mummy come to life and shuffle toward them.

"I almost had a heart attack," said Lana Gladdis of Paducah, Kentucky. "When I saw that thing just get up and start walking with its arm in front of it like that. I thought it was going for my throat."

"It was really creepy," opined Roger Bisby of West Memphis, Arkansas. "It out-creeped Madame Tussaud's, and that's pretty damned creepy. I wondered what the hell it was doing with all those Secret Service types surrounding it."

Carl Taylor, Security Manager, quickly responded to the incident. "I heard all the screaming and grabbed a couple of guards. It was mayhem. I was afraid there was going to be a riot. Children were running for their parents. I was afraid someone would be trampled."

"It was all just a case of mistaken identity," explained Dr. Cristián Samper, a director at the museum. "Apparently Senator John McCain had visited us with no warning and fallen asleep on one of our benches. When he awoke from his nap, he was a little disoriented and stumbled toward a group of tourists. We apologize for any inconvenience."

"John McCain is a genuine American hero," said Senator Barack Obama. "I honor him for his service and sympathize with those he frightened. Now maybe people will understand why I don't want to hang around with him at town hall meetings or go to Iraq with him. The guy just creeps me out. I can't help it."

Speakers for the McCain campaign had no comment on the incident other than to accuse Senator Obama of age discrimination.

Ms. Gladdis was arrested for threatening a Presidential candidate with her purse. She is being held without bail at an undisclosed federal facility according to Ellsworth Mauger of the FBI.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo work by the inimitable J. D. Truesilver

I love this video. Only problem is that they should include Obama in the mix. You take Sally, I'll take Sue. Ain't no difference between the two.

McCainanites, Bushskovites, and other assorted neocons are still happily hacking on Ron Paul.

Michael Goldfarb, Deputy Communications Director for the anointed Republican standard bearer John McCain writes:

"There should be plenty of room for the Paulnuts in Obama's big tent. If Rev. Wright isn't exactly a 9/11 Truther, at least he's breathed new life into the Pearl Harbor Truther movement. Imagine a newsletter coauthored by the Reverend and Lew Rockwell--now that's racial harmony."

Dave Nalle, part of a self-professed "sinister cabal of superior writers ," states:

"...McCain has never presented himself as 'pro-war' that's just their (Paultards, Paulnuts, insert your own pejorative) interpretation. The actual war in Iraq is over and McCain is not currently advocating any other new wars. That McCain supports keeping troops in Iraq until the country is past its current troubles is more of an anti-war position, since our presence there reduces the level of violence and the risk of Iranian invasion and a full-scale war."

Apparently the tired old neocons calling themselves the "New Right," through some arcane process of Orwellian double-think, actually believe that Paul supporters are as stupid as they take pains to portray them.

I have news. It's not that Paul supporters are idiots, the plain fact is that drivel like these two have written would reduce any normal thinking person to incoherent rage.

It is no wonder that such inane nattering produces comments like, "You suck."

Goldfarb trots out Reverend Wright like a circus trick dog and, for a change, decides to use his reprehensible guilt by association tactics on the Ron Paul camp. Why not? If it worked on Obama, it will work on Paul. No sense letting the truth stand in the way of a good smear.

Nalle, from his superior perch, actually has the gall to tell us the war in Iraq is over. Then, apparently just for fun, he goes on to explain how continuing the non-war is actually a peace position.

That sucks, alright.

I was talking to my son the other night. He told me that it was impossible to write political satire because the real political situation is more absurd than we can imagine.

We have a sitting President who manufactured reasons to go to war with a nation that presented no immediate threat to the US. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead.

The only constitutional conservative in the Presidential primaries was branded a nutjob and a kook because he didn't believe that debacle to be sound foreign policy.

When the GOP crashes and burns this November, bring a bag of marshmallows to roast.

It's going to be a hell of a show.

The premiere of a video that shows an extra-terrestrial peeking into a living room window in Colorado has presidential hopeful Barack Obama up in arms. The video has been authenticated by an instructor with thirty years of experience from the Colorado Film School in Denver.

"If you see a four foot tall space alien peeking through your window, by all means draw your curtains or lower your blinds," Obama advised."My experience on the streets of Chicago tells me that these little geeks can be dangerous. Space aliens do not speak for me or my campaign. I denounce them, but I will meet with them if necessary."

Likely Republican nominee John McCain was quick to respond. "Mr. Obama's response to the alien menace shows the depth of his immaturity and a singular lack of vision," said McCain. "My experience as a fighter pilot enables me to handle situations like this efficiently. If you see a UFO, gun it down. If you see an alien peeking through your window, get your 12-gauge and blast it back to perdition. We can only negotiate through strength. I will meet with space aliens only on my terms."

The Clinton camp took a more pragmatic view. "All votes should be counted," said former President Bill Clinton, speaking for his wife."If the alien was born in the US, it has the constitutional right to vote. We estimate that there are at least a million of these little peepers running around loose based on the frequency of reports. Hillary's views on space exploration are well known. Only a hare-brained fascist or a punk kid from Chicago would say aliens would not vote for Hillary.That puts us ahead in the popular vote and should secure the nomination. In fact, I have communicated telepathically with several aliens, and they all support Hillary."

Dark horse Republican candidate Ron Paul published a statement on his website. "I don't hold with aliens peeping through windows. If they want to fly around and watch people, they have every right to do so."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich shrugged and said I told you so.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

In what may be the most bizarre incident of the 2008 primary season, investigators for the John McCain campaign have discovered that Mitt Romney is an ingenious blend of state of the art robotics and artificial intelligence based on the popular 80's television character Max Headroom.

"We were doing the vetting of possible running mates for Senator McCain when one of our staff noticed that Mitt Romney had an uncanny resemblance to Max Headroom," said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager. "We traced his origins from the Headroom television show, to the Disney Animatronics Division, on through AI researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. We were shocked. He looks amazingly life-like."

"I always knew there was something weird about that guy." commented Congressman Ron Paul. "No wonder he couldn't connect with the public. Let's see who has the last laugh on this one."

The discovery triggered a hot debate among scientists and religionists over whether or not the Romneybot should be considered a sentient being.

"It walks and talks and responds to outer stimulii," stated Richard Dawkins. evolutionary biologist and ardent atheist. "It does all the things humans do better than most. The Rommeybot is the next step in human evolution. There is no doubt that its' jokes aren't funny, and it seems a little stiff, but many humans have those same traits. I don't know if its' CPU is capable of programming itself. If it is, this is a sentient being."

"White folks is crazy," replied Reverend Jeremiah Wright, first Pastor to be thrown under the political bus in 2008. "That thing ain't got no soul. I knew it the first time I ever saw it."

"I'm just glad it's not Jewish," said Reverend John Hagee, second Pastor to be thrown under the political bus in 2008. "That's all I have to say."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo work by J. D. Truesilver

Moving to shore up his conservative political base today, John McCain proposed a revolutionary new plan to stem the tide of illegal immigrants across the US-Mexico border.

"I get the message, my friends," said McCain. "Something must be done about the immigration issue. For too long, illegal immigrants have been pouring into this country, cleaning our houses, and mowing our lawns. In order to put a stop to this ever-growing problem, I am bringing a bill before congress this week to put a line of demarcation across the entire US-Mexico border. Anyone who crosses the line without permission will promptly be asked to leave in no uncertain terms."

The details of the plan, just released to the press, entail using baseball chalk markers like those used in little league fields across the country to lay down a marker across all states that border Mexico.

"It's pure genius," remarked Bill O'Reilly, the famous desk whacker from Fox News. "It will increase employment in this country while keeping out drunk driving illegal immigrants who present a very real and grave threat to all Americans."

"I just don't know about this," opined Lou Dobbs, Chief Immigrant Basher for CNN. "I agree with it on principle, but what if it rains? Will they roll out tarps to cover the lines? I will want to look a little deeper into the particulars of this proposal before I can fully support it."

Jerry Brown, Attorney General of the State of California, was not enamored of the proposal. "If this guy gets elected President, buy me a ticket to Toronto," said Brown. "Has he even thought about the environmental impact of laying a chalk line down in our state? Of course not. The man is a menace. Our Governor is a menace, too. Eight years of Bush and now this? Please."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

The success of the Transportation Security Administration's Screening Passengers by Observation Technique program, known as SPOT, has prompted a congressional bi-partisan committee to propose the creation of the Federal Bureau of Crime Prevention to curtail criminal activity before it happens.

The SPOT program caused a stir among civil libertarians and other cranks a few months ago when it was revealed that the TSA had several highly trained agents on duty to ferret out potential terrorists by reading their facial expressions.

"The program has been a tremendous success," said Kip Hawley, TSA Administrator. "We have stopped thousands of people in airports based upon their suspicious facial expressions. After detaining them and subjecting them to intensive interrogation techniques, not a single one of them has committed an act of terrorism. No sane person can argue with results like that."

"My friends," said presidential hopeful John McCain. "Nothing is as important as the safety of our children, our homes, and our country. Now with this new technology, we can prevent crime before it happens. The Federal Bureau of Crime Prevention will be charged with finding potential criminals and incarcerating them before they can do any harm to the public. We will institute training programs for local law enforcement agencies and citizens groups. Some of the fine women in Mothers Against Drunk Drivers have already contacted me about using the techniques to catch drunk drivers before they take a drink. There is real hope for a safer America."

Senator Hillary Clinton agreed that the bureau would significantly reduce crime. "If it saves even one child from being molested, the expense has justified itself," she said. "Let criminals and terrorists beware."

A few uneducated outliers, many of whom appeared to be from West Virginia, questioned the legality of establishing the new government bureau. Gunnersykes.com will not mention their names because giving publicity to such people only encourages them.

Bruce Ackerman, Sterling Professor of Law and Political Science at Yale Law School, took the time from his busy day to reply to such ridiculous nattering: "There is nothing in US law that protects the right to look like a criminal," he said. "If someone wants to go about looking like a criminal, it is the sovereign right of the government to detain him or her, question the suspect, and incarcerate them if they refuse to identify themselves. The safety of the people is paramount."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Maggie Williams, David Plouffe, and Rick Davis, managers, respectively, of the Clinton, Obama, and McCain campaigns joined together today to announce that the American people want and deserve more of the same.

"Senator Clinton's More of the Same program is pretty much the same as the other candidates' MOTS programs, but different," said Ms. Williams. "If people want change, let them go out on street corners and beg for it. What they really want, and what they will get, will be more of the same."

"The demographics speak for themselves," said Rick Davies. "Here at McCain headquarters, we've pored over election results, taken surveys, analyzed polls, and consulted with experts. There is no doubt about it. The only sure way to win the hearts of the American voter is with a well-constructed MOTS program. We believe our MOTS program will promise people anything they want while firmly entrenching the status quo."

"The important difference in Obama's MOTS program is the hope ingredient," explained David Plouffe. "Take, for example, Hillary's health care plan. Hillary wants to end the health care problem by forcing people to buy medical insurance whether they want it or not. Obama's health care plan allows them to buy health insurance, but still allows them to opt out and hope they don't get sick or injured. Even Senator McCain allows people to hope that one day they will be able to afford medical insurance. Any way you slice it, the American voter will still receive more of the same, but in a different package. If you think about it, isn't that all they can reasonably expect?"

"Well said," replied Rick Davis. "The foreign policy section of our MOTS program also allows people to hope we somehow extricate ourselves from the quagmire we've gotten ourselves into in the Middle East. Senator McCain reasonably believes that if we stick around and kill a few more Iraqis, they will see the light. Senator Clinton proposes that we kill a few more Iraqis while we gradually withdraw and threaten Iran with annihilation. Senator Obama proposes that we kill as few Iraqis as humanely possible while withdrawing, and concentrate on killing people in Afghanistan. There is no essential difference in our MOTS programs, so the American voter can rest assured that we will remain in the Middle East quagmire for the foreseeable future."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

In a stunning reversal of political trends, the latest Sykes poll has the Reverend Jeremiah Wright ahead of John McCain and Hillary Clinton if a national election was held today.

Wright leads McCain by a significant 12% with a margin of error of plus or minus 4%. Ms. Clinton does slightly better with a 9% differential.

"If they want to run against me, I'm down with it." said the Reverend Wright. "If you mess with the bull, you get the horn."

Wright led McCain among all demographic groups. White males over 30 with jobs and IQs over 70 showed a large 21% increase in support for the Chicago minister.

"I like the guy," said Leslie Seydel, an iron worker from Gary, Indiana. "If Wright says it's Easter, you'd best start coloring your eggs."

Wright also led among black and Hispanic voters who would rather chop off a finger than vote for McCain.

"Are you crazy?" asked Maria Espinoza of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. "If McCain gets in, I'm going to Mexico, and I'm from Bolivia."

Ms. Clinton fared slightly better than McCain among gay voters with large Judy Garland record collections. Wright edged her by 6% while McCain was outpolled by a whopping 83%.

Clinton also ran slightly better among women with criminal records for shooting their husbands with large caliber hand guns. Wright was ahead by a statistically insignificant 3%.

"This makes for an entirely new ballgame," opined Lou Dobbs because he could think of nothing else to say. "I believe the media had a large part in these results because of our constant running of the Wright videos from Youtube. The law of unintended consequences came into play."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

An eerie incident during tonight's Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama has mystics, psychics, and conspiracy theorists agog over Ms. Clinton's apparent possession by the spirit of John McCain.

"It was about the weirdest thing I've ever seen-- I mean much weirder than than the WTC mysteriously falling in on itself, or even George Bush shape-shifting into a reptilian alien. When her face started changing into John McCain's, I almost peed my pants," said Norma the Space Psychic, who communicates telepathically with higher intelligences in Andromeda. "I mean it was downright spooky."

"Only people who are attuned to the higher realms of akashic thought could see it," said Sonya Fitzpatrick, pet psychic. "I saw it and my cat, Ishtar IV, almost jumped through the TV. It was lucky that I had her on an astral chain. She might've hurt herself. I mean the cat, not Hillary."

George Stephanopolous, a moderator at the debate, was not sure if he had seen the change or not. "I did notice the senator from New York bashing the Reverend Wright and trying to act like a gun-totin', lapel-flag-wearin' Republican, but that's not unusual. I have to admit I did get a strange feeling though, kind of like just before an electrical storm hits, when she looked at me; but a lot of people react like that when she looks at them."

"Oh yeah, I saw it," said Geraldo Rivera, who plays a reporter on Fox News. "How could you miss it? The change has been coming on for months. It's gradual, but noticeable. Her throwing back that shot and a beer in Indiana was a sure tipoff. We'll be interviewing her about it soon."

"There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the change," explained George Ribbit, a noted expert on everything."Hillary is in the thrall of David Rockefeller, who is the man who pulls the strings on the Foreign Relations Council. The FRC is a front for the Freemasons who have a hotline to the Grays via Baphomet, the supposed earth spirit. Everything will be revealed after the 2008 election when the truth about Roswell and the JFK assassination is made public."

In a related story, Senator John McCain of Arizona was reported by reliable sources to be consulting Sylvia Brown, a noted psychic, on methods of channeling Ronald Reagan.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.


Photo work by J. D. Truesilver

US intelligence officials revealed photographic evidence today that presidential hopeful John McCain was once a prison guard at the notorious Stalag 13, a Nazi POW camp.

"We were taken aback by the evidence when the Mossad first transmitted it to us, but it looks like the real deal," said Robert Mauger, of the National Security Agency, "We are conducting tests on facial characteristics and measurements to make sure."

The investigation was spurred by the realization of a former POW, John Kinchloe, that McCain appeared to be very close to knowing nothing.

"It just rang a bell in my head, and then I realized that McCain was none other than Sergeant Hans Schultz, who used to guard me when I was a prisoner in World War II. I always knew there was something weird about him. I called my buddies at the NSA and asked them to look into it," said Kinchloe, who was a communications technician for the US Army when captured.

McCain Campaign Manager Rick Davis scoffed at the investigation."This may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced in my years in politics. Hans Schultz is a character on a TV show, you morons."

Senator Hillary Clinton took the investigation seriously. "Sergeant Hans Schultz may or may not be a character on a TV show, but if John McCain is linked to Nazi atrocities, the world has the right to know. If I can be investigated, McCain should be investigated. No one is above the law."

Legal representatives for Senator McCain have filed suit in federal court to have the investigation stopped on the grounds that there is no credible evidence for the investigation since it is based on the testimony of fictional characters, but hold out little hope considering the court's previous inattention to reality.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.


Photo by John Truesilver

The McCainanites are out there, folks, and they're crazier than cockroaches on crack. Not only are they fearful of the "cult of Obama," they've managed to latch on to the concept of Liberation Theology, and the mere mention of it sends them scurrying for safe havens in suburbia. You cannot read the name Jeremiah Wright anywhere in the land of the McCainanites without it being preceded by the adjective hate-filled.

They are scared.

They are upset.

They are hurt.

They are shocked that a black man who actually attended a black church might become President-- and worse, they are chagrined to find out that some black people just don't like them very much.

Mangum, in Theological Forum writes:

"The people I know has suspected that many blacks have had bad
feelings for white folks now for decades as they walk on egg shells
trying not to offend but that church brought it home big time and
these same people are very angry meaning racial relations has taken
two steps backward. White man's guilt just went down the drain
along with the hopes of the Democratic Party who had a clear road to the White House."

Yes, the audacity of some people. Many black people are actually angry that their ancestors were enslaved, their parents and grandparents made victims of Jim Crow laws, and that discrimination still rears its ugly head in this country. How incredibly unreasonable.

Another McCainanite uses the pristine logic that since Barack Obama belongs to the Democratic Party and democrats LOVE Planned Parenthood, Obama is a racist.

From New Republican Party Blog:

"Oh yea, and BTW, Margaret Sanger was the founder of the National Birth Control League (now Planned Parenthood, which Democrats LOVE) who championed birth control and eugenics (the movement devoted to improving the human species by control of hereditary factors in reproduction). Sanger called for the sterilization of ‘genetically inferior races.’ She organized her ‘Negro Project’ in 1939 and wrote: ‘The poorer areas, particularly in the South are producing alarmingly more than their share of future generations.’ She also wrote: It is said that the aboriginal Australian, the lowest known species of the human family, just a step higher than the chimpanzee in brain development, has so little sexual control that police authority alone prevents him from obtaining sexual satisfaction on the streets."

Well, I guess that shows Mr. Obama. I expect he had absolutely no idea he supported Ms. Sanger's program. Count on McCainanites to inform.

McCainanites are horrified that Mr. Obama, in an off-the-cuff interview, used the phrase "typical white person." Coco McBean, a self-admitted typical white person, was mortally offended. She writes in Abstractionreaction:

"Barack Obama is getting in hot water after referring to his white grandmother as a typical white person who has fears of black men walking down the street. I don’t know about you, but if I saw a typical black person, like Barack, walking down the street, I’d be pretty scared."

Oh dear, what are white people to do? Black people are actually walking the streets unfettered.

I hereby call on John McCain to renounce these crazed McCainanites.

Why?

Because that's what bloggers do, isn't it?

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable to comment on this blog.

That is the plain truth.

Have you ever tried getting that guy on the phone?

Here is how it works. First the press, either from the right or left, pounces on a public figure because someone associated with him said something the press deems unacceptable. Then other public figures start demanding that the associate be renounced, or they will be forced to denounce the pounced upon public figure.

It is the pounce, renounce, denounce game.

The latest pounce is on Barack Obama. Obama's minister said,"God damn America." It does not matter in what context the preacher said it. Context is for rubes. There is no time to include context in a TV sound bite.

Obama talks to his public relations people. Obama quickly gets to renouncing.

Louis Farrakhan said some nice things about Obama. Why shouldn't he? Louis Farrakhan seems to be happy that a black man might become President. That deserves some serious renouncing.

I have not taken a survey, but I will bet the ranch that there are a lot of black people who are happy that a black man might become President. I bet that some of them have criminal records, too.

So, we can see that Barack Obama has the support of black people with criminal records. Better get to renouncing, Obama.

Pounce, renounce, denounce.

The press pounced on Hillary Clinton the other day because Geraldine Ferraro opined that Barack Obama's popularity among black voters was at least partially due to the fact that Obama was black. Hillary renounced Ferraro. Ferraro resigned.

It is not just a game for Democrats. A Protestant minister who supported John McCain actually said some bad things about Roman Catholics. Imagine that. A Protestant saying something disagreeable about Roman Catholics. The press pounced. McCain renounced.

A few months ago, the press pounced on Ron Paul because a self-proclaimed fascist donated a whopping $500.00 to the Paul campaign. Ron Paul refused to play the pounce, renounce, denounce game, so he got denounced.

The man just has no political acumen. A man who will not play the pounce, renounce, denounce game has no business being President.

In a not unexpected development, Gunner Sykes' newest independent poll shows that 83% of American voters believe that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned because he was under investigation for transporting prostitutes across state lines.

23% of voters under the age of 30 spelled prostitutes "h-o-e-s."

Not surprisingly, 63% of all eligible voters support the US government spending part, or all, of its productive man hours spying on people who are not themselves.

"If they're not doing nothing wrong, they don't have nothing to worry about," said Denise Moorehead, who is in her sixth year of study at Wabash Community College of Storm Door Hanging and Practical Arts.

"If the FBI wants to pry into peoples' bank accounts, tap their phones, and destroy their families in order to stop people from smoking pot in their homes, or hiring prostitutes I can't afford, that's just fine with me," opined Terry Wayne Warhacker, an unemployed mortgage broker. "This time it was just a governor messing around on the side, but next time it just might be a dope dealer, or even a terrorist."

In a related matter, President George Bush proposed expanding the war on terror and ending rising unemployment rates by employing 50% of US citizens to spy on the other 50%.

"My proposal will stop terrorism in its tracks while guaranteeing full employment," explained the President. "Half of the people could spy on one half for an eight hour shift. Then the other half could spy on the other half for the next eight hour shift. Most people sleep during the midnight shift, so I don't think that will be a problem."

Presidential hopeful John McCain applauded the Bush proposal. "We must be ever watchful for wrong-doers and people who employ the services of high-class hos. When I'm President, I will see about applying this principle on an international basis. I don't see why Syria can't spy on Iran, and then Iran take its turn spying on Syria. It would keep everyone straight and possibly end the turmoil in the Middle East."

Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Today, speaking to a crowd of cheering republican faithful in a high school gym in Brownsville, Texas, John McCain vowed to carry on the Reagan legacy by falling asleep at any given moment.

"My friends," said McCain, "I was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution. I know what it takes to lead. I know what it takes to administrate this, the finest government in the finest country in the world. In order to do that, you need rest, lots of rest. I intend to nap every afternoon, and snooze during cabinet meetings. If you've ever heard General David Petraeus drone on about military logistical support, you would do the same."

"I was talking to General Petraeus just the other day about the importance of military secrecy concerning our supplies. Take toilet paper, for instance. I know it doesn't sound important on the surface, but it is. If our enemies in Iraq were privy to the amount of toilet paper we ship to our troops, they could simply count the number of rolls, divide by fifteen, and have a fairly good idea of the number of assholes we have in our armed forces. We must do everything we can to protect our brave men and women in uniform."

"I have noticed that both of my opponents are saying what they would do if they were President and the telephone rang at 3:00 AM. I tell you what I would do. I would go back to sleep. There's nothing that won't wait until morning. A man needs his rest."

Congressman Ron Paul, also campaigning in Texas, reacted to Senator McCain's comments: "That's the smartest thing I've ever heard John say. The more he sleeps, the better the country will be. At least he won't be thinking of new countries to invade."

Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Or anything else.

Surprising everyone, Barack Obama announced today that he and political pundit Ann Coulter were forming a professional wrestling tag team.

The strains of Jimi Hendrix's version of "Wild Thing" blared through Madison Square Garden's sound system as strobe lights and flashbulbs from paparazzi illuminated the arena. Barack Obama and Ann Coulter emerged holding their hands aloft like winners. An ecstatic crowd of wildly cheering wrestling fans urged them on. Together, they strode to the squared circle. Obama politely lifted the middle rope to allow Ms. Coulter to enter the ring.

A microphone was lowered into Obama's hand. He gazed lovingly at the crowd and shouted,"OUR TIME HAS COME!"

The crowd responded with deafening applause.

"We challenge all comers. I will batter them with bombast. Ann will sear them with sarcasm. Together, we will kick their butts up one side of the political landscape and down the other!"

Ms. Coulter took the microphone. "Want to know how to talk to a liberal? I'll show you how to talk to a liberal. I'm going to rip John McCain's lungs out. I'm going to send Popeye crying back to Olive Oyl. When I get done with him, he'll think the Hanoi Hilton was a rest home."

The new tag team exited to tumultuous cheers.

Reaction by pundits across the country came swiftly.

"This certainly is a surprise," said Keith Olbermann, of MSNBC. "I never thought I would see the day Ann Coulter would rip a Republican like that. It is really fun to watch. She looked surprisingly hot in that leotard. Obama could stand to put on a little muscle."

Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted. "I'm flabbergasted," said O'Reilly. "I knew Ann's book sales were flagging a little, but even I wouldn't do a thing like that. Geraldo would, though. Besides, I don't think she could take John McCain. He's just meaner than hell. They don't call him Insane McCain for nothing."

Democratic political strategist Steve McMahon was more reflective. "This is a brilliant political move by Barack Obama. He will make serious inroads into Hillary Clinton's blue collar political base with this move. He couldn't have done much better winning the Daytona 500. Having Ann Coulter brand John McCain a liberal will help Obama and hurt McCain badly. 89% of American voters have no idea what a liberal is, but they are quite sure they don't want to be one or vote for one. I see clear sailing ahead for Mr. Obama."


The band played on.