Rumors of a strange creature similar to Mothman and the Jersey Devil haunting the parks of Washington DC have circulated for years in the beltway. Most people dismissed them as fantasy and the raving of New Age airheads-- that is until the creature was captured last night by a heroic federal agent.

"I was walking by the Washington Monument for my evening stroll about nine when I heard a ghastly scream," said Special Agent Ellsworth Mauger. "I pulled my trusty .357 and hurried toward the sound. What I discovered will disturb my dreams for the rest of my life."

Official reports say that Ms. Anne Schwarzkopf, a tourist from Puffbluff, Kentucky was accosted by a long-haired, emaciated being who confronted her and screamed epithets.

"It was horrible," confided Ms. Schwarzkopf. "It was undoubtedly the most sarcastic thing I've ever seen or heard. First it called me a fascist lackey. Then it said I was a Godless slut who had serial abortions because I couldn't keep my legs together. Then it began to dance about like a demented gnome and demand that I write in Hillary Clinton for President or it would climb on me like ten bad Mexicans. If Mr. Mauger hadn't come along, I'm sure it would've done something too unspeakable to contemplate."

Agent Mauger resolved the situation by whacking the creature on the head with his pistol, knocking it unconscious. He called the local police who dispatched a cruiser and an ambulance. The creature was taken to Howard University Hospital for emergency treatment.

Specialists performed DNA testing to determine the species of the strangely man-like monster. Shockingly, the creature proved to be the love child of Ann Coulter and James Carville.

"We were amazed," said Dr. John Distazo, Emergency DNA Analyst. "The thing had a vaguely familiar look. We investigated and found that apparently both Mr. Carville and Ms. Coulter had a little too much to drink at a cocktail party 17 years ago. One thing led to another and the Park Monster was the inevitable result. Ms. Coulter has always been a staunch opponent of abortion, so she had the child and dropped it into a dumpster. Somehow, it survived."

"This is the first I've heard about it," retorted Mr. Carville when questioned about the incident. "I was drunk. Don't tell me you wouldn't do it if you had the chance."

Ms. Coulter has generously donated the child to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History for further study.

"If we can all learn something from this, it will have been worth it," she said.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

In a startling crescendo to an increasingly bitter campaign, Hillary Clinton physically attacked Barack Obama today, effectively ending what many believe will be their last televised debate. Offended by a remark from Mr. Obama concerning her recent misstatement about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, Senator Clinton left her lectern at Philadelphia's Freedom Hall and grabbed Senator Obama's ear.

"OK, Mr. Smarty Pants," said Hillary, "let's just march you outside for a time out."

"Ow," said Mr. Obama. "Let me go."

Ms. Clinton began to lead Mr. Obama by the ear toward an exit door when Secret Service Agents stepped in to stop the altercation.

"Get away from me, you idiots," demanded the former first lady. "I'm coming through."

The agents then stepped between the two and freed Mr. Obama's ear.

"This is the kind of politics I have been trying to avoid," said Obama.
"The ugly politics of divisiveness."

"Oh shut up, Mr. One Term Senator Who Thinks He Wants To Be President," said Ms. Clinton. "I'll let you know when you can talk."

James Carville, a political analyst for CNN who looks surprisingly like a gnome, quickly came to Ms. Clinton's defense. "Obama, you touch one hair on her head and this old corporal will climb on you like ten bad Mexicans," Mr. Carville threatened.

"Mexicans?" asked Governor Bill Richards of New Mexico, who had followed the two presidential candidates hoping to be of some help. "I'll show you a Mexican." He then thumped Mr. Carville a pretty good one in the vicinity of his right eye.

"It's on, Judas," said Carville, and began to flail wildly at the governor.

Secret Service Agents quickly stopped the second physical altercation of the evening, disappointing the wildly enthusiastic crowd.

Order was restored when Obama, Clinton, Carville, and Richards were whisked away in separate limousines.

CNN pundits were quick to fill the unexpected dead air time with expert commentary.

"I thought Senator Clinton might twist Senator Obama's ear right off his head," opined Lou Dobbs.

"Yes, she definitely had a pretty good grip on it," agreed Jack Cafferty. "James Carville gave a pretty good account of himself, too"

"Yes, the little guy was pretty courageous." said Dobbs. "Those Mexicans carry knives, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but reliable sources report he was pleased and highly amused.