Celebrity spokesperson Britney Spears announced Monday that the Walt Disney Company and Apple have cooperated in a joint venture to bring soft pornography featuring the Muppets to Apple's hot new line of iPhone apps.

"The success of our Hannah Montana franchise and the buzz generated by our new line of tween panties pretty much assures the success of the venture," said Ms. Spears, reading haltingly from a teleprompter. "The iPhone is the perfect conduit for Muppet porn. The synergistic relationship between the two brands will bring a new generation of users into the Apple fold."

Titles for the new line include Let's Get Piggy With It, Big Bird Lays an Egg, It's Not Easy Being Tween, Hannah Montana Meets Oscar's Big Banana, Bert and Ernie at the Y, and Dickle Me, Elmo. The products are in the development stage and will be ready for the Christmas season.

"It's, like..., the new thing." said Ms. Spears. "It's really hi-tech and user friendly and like all that. All you have to do is point and click. I didn't have a bit of trouble using it. The programs will cost $399 to keep, like..., poor people from using them."

Pat Robertson, speaking for the Christian Coalition of America, was noticeably upset by the announcement. "This is yet another symptom of moral decay in our society," he said. "I strongly urge all decent people to boycott these two companies and alert any media advertising the products that such depravity will not be condoned."

"Oh what does he know?" asked Ms. Spears. "What a hypocrite. Anybody who burns witches has, like..., no room to talk."

Colonel Tom Parker was unavailable for comment because he is dead.

Driving through the middle of the country alone can get boring and lonesome. Radio stations become few and far between, most of them exhorting you to get right with Jesus or bemoaning liberalism.

Then, like finding a silver dollar while walking on the side of the road, an unexpected gem comes across the airwaves. Janis singing Down On Me. The Stones pouring out the guitar bends of Honky Tonk Woman.

What luck.

It doesn't last. It's not a classic rock station -- it is the dreaded oldies station. The same musical era that gave us Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Cream, and Wilson Pickett also gave us Freddy and the Dreamers, Gary Lewis and the Playboys, the Turtles, and that most nauseating of musical genres -- bubblegum. The music doesn't have to be good, it just has to be old.

Some old bones need to be left at rest.

Jerry Garcia said if you can remember the 60's, you weren't really there. These six bands deserve to be forgotten.

Gary Lewis and the Playboys

The only rock and roll band with an accordion, Gary Lewis and the Playboys had a string of hits extolling teen angst, love, and heartbreak. Gary Lewis was Jerry Lewis' son -- yes, one of Jerry's kids. He had an amazing ability to sing about a third off pitch reminding one of a recalcitrant brat begging for a happy meal. Here he is singing the second wimpiest song in the history of rock and roll. Bobby Vee's Take Good Care of My Baby is, as you know, the all-time champion.



The 1910 Fruitgum Company

The most virulent disease ever to infect American music was a hideously sweet concoction perpetrated on the public called bubblegum. The perps in this case are called the 1910 Fruitgum Company. They have a website. Go there. Extract revenge. Make them pay. Hurry. They may die soon.



The Ohio Express

What can be worse than the 1910 Fruitgum Company? The Ohio Express, that's what. It is rumored that the two were actually the same band. It is also rumored that Joe Walsh played with them. Sad, isn't it?

Here they are singing Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy.

Yes, it is gayer than a Maypole dance in Neverland.



The Turtles

Max Shulman, in one of his Dobie Gillis stories, wrote these immortal lines:

I gotta gal and her name is Esme
and I will love her if she lets me.

Max Shulman gave us Maynard G. Krebs and is to be revered.

The Turtles' Happy Together has a similar sentiment, only different.

They'll be happy together if her mother lets them.

The Turtles were sort of like the Beatles, only different.

Very different.

Some promoter had a brilliant idea to make a quick buck.

The Turtles were the result.

Go ahead. Click on the video. See where it gets you.



The Lemon Pipers

It's psychedelic, man. The Lemon Pipers put the deli in psychedelic. Gray old men with blank looks in their eyes stumble aimlessly on mean city streets. They saw the video below under the influence of d-lysergic when they were young and knew no better.

Be careful with this one.

The robot is especially disturbing.



Freddy and the Dreamers with Frankie Avalon

After the success of the Beatles, managers, record promoters, concert promoters, and other scum infested the streets of Liverpool searching for anything that looked remotely like John, George, Paul, or Ringo.

They found Freddy and the Dreamers. Hebephrenia can be fun and Freddy explored the throes of ecstasy. Frankie Avalon wanted to be cool, too.

Here they are together at last.



Frankie Avalon Homeopathic Zero-Pain 3-pack with Rescue Cream

Immediately after a Stones concert at Soldier's Field in Chicago, a long line formed in front of the urinals in the men's room. A lot of beer was sold at that concert.

An impatient man at the back of the line muttered, "I wish they'd hurry up."

"Not a chance," replied the man next to him. "Lot of prostate problems in this crowd."

It is not known if Frankie Avalon has prostate problems, but he does sell a Homeopathic Zero-Pain 3-Pack complete with Rescue Cream.

That's something.

A spokesperson for up and coming search engine optimization company XLGMNT announced Tuesday that the hot new NASDAQ climber had received a 100 million dollar cash infusion to finish its highly touted article generation software.

"WriteSmart is the end result of thousands of man hours from our balanced dynamic focus group, a multi-tiered discrete alliance of IT professionals utilizing face-to-face regional workforce flexibility to revolutionize optional encompassing software to generate keyword-rich articles to optimize search engine ranking for companies selling penis enlargement pills," said Lisa Lane, Vice President of Function-based Uniform Contingency.

Thought by many to be vaporware, WriteSmart was announced three years ago with the promise that no one would ever have to write copy of any kind on the internet. Bloggers, copywriters, spammers, message board posters, and users of instant messaging programs would simply type in a couple of relevant keywords and the WriteSmart program would do the rest. Stymied by the sheer scope of the project, the XLGMNT development team compromised by limiting the product to writing spam about penis enlargement.

"We were looking for an extended upward-trending product and penis enlargement fit the bill," explained Ms. Lane. "Our standalone executive system engine coupled with our reactive solution-oriented core allows us to expect phased transitional customer loyalty within a synchronized attitude-oriented frame. This is a profit-focused responsive project but we reserve the right to realign incremental pricing structure. We may give it away for free and charge them up the hoohoo for support provided we can make the documentation incomprehensible enough."

Reaction to the announcement among internet users was mixed.

"It sucks," said Gerald Burgermeister, who is in his eighth year of study at Paducah Junior College. "I was planning on using it to pass my composition class, but I already have a large penis."

"I really don't see how this product is going to fit into the social networking paradigm," complained Jess Willard, editor of the popular How to Make Friends on Facebook blog. "Maybe if you wrote a headline that said vote up if you have a huge penis. That might work."

"Penis enlargement has long been the mainstay of internet marketing," said Janik Sliver, internet marketing guru. "If you can train the software to generate thousands of autoresponders, some schmuck might hit on it. It's all about the headline, anyway. Nobody actually reads that crap. I wonder if they want to JV."

"WriteSmart will have the synergized systematic ability to compensate for standalone client driven complexity using decentralized 5th generation throughput drawing from a centralized bottom-line data-warehouse in tandem with an optimized regional knowledge base to make XLGMNT your automated responsive business partner," Ms. Lane concluded. "If even one person opens an email and purchases a product that will eventually give him a wanger that would make a Holstein cow blush like a virgin on prom night, it will all have been worth it."

Bill Gates was unavailable for comment.

Corporate buzzwords cheerfully stolen from way2web.net.

Anyone who wants to sue knows what they can do with a rolling donut.

Some of you will notice that the title of this piece has an internal rhyme scheme. The Google search bot will not. The Google search bot, if it deigns to notice, will sift through the text, giving emphasis to the title, and merrily send people who search for sex (the undisputed champion of search terms on the net), hi-tech, and x-ray specs.

This piece will see nary a peek from people who are looking for sex on the net because there are literally millions of sites out there cajoling the bot into ranking their sites on the coveted first page of Google's search findings for the term sex. There is a remote chance that someone willing to thumb electronically through a few hundred thousand listings for sex might light on the page, see that it is not really about sex, and get off it quicker than Cool Papa Bell could get into bed.

Bots are literal-minded things.

Hi-tech is a nebulous adjective that means pertaining to anything that uses sophisticated technology. It is possible, but not likely, that a few people looking for the latest whiz-bang gadget will peruse this article, notice that it has nothing to do with iPods, Blackberries, or UFOs, and be disappointed.

Why?

Because the Google search bot is inextricably married to HTML. HTML is a markup language designed originally for academic presentations. At its core is the good old-fashioned roman numeral outline that English teachers gleefully have tortured students with since the beginning of time. First your headline, then your main point, then your secondary point, ad nauseum. The HTML equivalent is h1, h2, h3. Bots, being quantitative creatures, determine how relevant your article is to a certain keyword by how frequently the word appears in the article.

Google is a little more sophisticated than that in their search algorithm, but not much more. If they see too many, and only they can determine how many is too many, occurrences of a word in a given electronic space, the bot will discount it because the humans at Google think that someone is trying to manipulate their search results.

Google does not want anyone manipulating their search results without paying for the privilege, thank you very much. If you want natural rankings you had better just follow the outline, Buster, else you can pay Google big bucks to get your site noticed. If your site does not make big bucks, it can still get noticed by being an educational site, or being what they deem an influential site, which is, of course, a site with links from educational sites.

Google sows nothing, yet reaps the lion's share of benefits on the internet. Google shows promise, but delivers illusion like --well, x-ray specs.

X-ray specs were sold in the ads section of comic books in the days when comics mainly were read by adolescent boys. The ad plainly stated the specs produced an optical illusion, then asked if that really was your friend's body you see under his clothes. If the longevity of the ad is any indicator, they sold tons of them. Kids did not buy those comics because they were looking for x-ray specs, they bought them because they were hooked on the exploits of Ironman, Batman, or Superman.

If Superman was an internet creation, the character would be offered for free because no one would pay to see a new character. Having already paid the ISP once for access, why should they? Unless Superman's creators paid Google, or one of its imitators, money to get the site noticed, it would languish and die. The genius marketers who sold x-ray specs would not pay the owner to have their ad on the Superman pages, they would pay Google. Google, in turn, would pay the Superman owner a pittance for delivering a possible customer to the specs site.

Of course, the ad would mainly appear on sites pertaining to x-rays, technical specs, or technical specs on x-rays. It might pop up on the Superman site if the Man of Steel used his x-ray vision. Not many x-ray specs would get sold.

The manufacturers of x-ray specs would be much better off with their own site selling their product directly to adolescents using phrases from the ad. Is that his body you "see" under his clothes? Look right through the flesh and see the bones underneath.

Superman? Forget Superman. Superman has been borged; he is irrelevant.

Once the internet held the promise of being a blank canvas, an invitation to creativity, a chance for global communication and expression.

Instead, we have a motley collection of pornography, sales pitches, and how-to articles.

I was talking to Ellsworth Mauger the other day. If you want to know anything, just ask Ellsworth.

"Ellsworth," I said, "I'm stumped. I need to get readers to my blog, or else I fear that I may be forced into honest work."

"Have you written anything called top ten ways to make love to a MILF?" he asked.

"Nope," I said.

"Why not? List articles are red hot. MILFs are red hot. You need to tap into the market, man. How about eight sites that are guaranteed to make you puke, or seven celebrities who have yeast infections?"

"I dunno, Ellsworth," I replied. "It all seems sort of sleazy and semi-pornographic."

"I forgot you were such a Puritan," said Ellsworth. "Cats. You need to post cute pictures of cats."

"Cats?"

"That's right, cats."

"Alright," I said.

Note: Gunnersykes.com hit a new milestone this week when it was threatened with its first lawsuit. We are so proud. It's about time. In order to avoid confusion, and to offer our readers the opportunity to look at, and even download, more cute pictures of cats. Here are links to the darling pictures of the cuddly felines used in this post. Enjoy.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Cat_claws.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Ikarus.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Cat_Eyes.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Cat03.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Abessinierkater1.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:RussianBlueCat.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Mainecoon1.png

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Ragdoll%2C_blue_mitted.JPG

What is Search Engine Optimization?

Search Engine Optimization, for you novices out there, is writing for search engines instead of people. Since Google has started to penalize sites for duplicate content, many website owners have had to resort to actually writing original articles for their sites instead of picking them up from free article repositories or stealing them from competitors. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

This sad state of affairs has led to a huge demand for original SEO articles to attract readers to sites selling penis enlargement pills, herbal cures for every imaginable illness, fabulous online money-making ideas, and pornography.

Opportunity is everywhere. Go to any freelance auction site or Craig's List and you will see ads similar to this:

I need 500 articles of at least 400 words written by tomorrow. Articles must be optimized for keywords I will supply. I am willing to pay up to fifty cents per article. All articles must be creative, original, and make the customer break his arm reaching for his wallet. I will check each article to make sure it is completely original content and will pay you whenever I get around to it. A prolific writer can make more than $200 per day!!! Take advantage of this FABULOUS work-at home OPPORTUNITY now!!

The sky is the limit in this lucrative field.

Writing the SEO Article: Know Your Market

In order to write an effective SEO article, one must do a thorough market study. Savvy internet marketers all agree that the average web demographic is a white male 14-40 who is surfing the net looking for free porn hoping that his boss, or mother, will not look over his shoulder, see various barnyard animals in coitus with a blonde nymphet on his computer screen, and fire or ground him.

Thus some of the most searched keywords on the net are sex, Miley Cyrus, free porn, and Britney Spears.

Write a Snappy Headline!

Armed with insider knowledge of the inner workings of Google and the internet, the smart writer will write a snappy headline like this:

How to Have Sex With Miley Cyrus if Britney Spears Turns You Down.

There are, of course, many variations the SEO writer may use. For instance:

Did Miley Cyrus Have Sex With Britney Spears on a Free Porn Site?

Free Porn Poll: Would You Rather Have Sex With Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears?

Are Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus the Victims of Sex Exploitation on Free Porn Sites?

All of the above are excellent headlines. Be creative. Write your own.

Getting Down to It: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Always keep in mind the fact that your reader would not know a parenthetic phrase if it crawled up his leg and bit him on the scrotum. Never ignore the KISS principle! Keep your sentences short and your ideas to yourself. There is no I in T-E-A-M. It is all about the reader, not you. Your reader is a search engine, an abstract machine built to cater to people searching for free porn.

PROTIP: The search engine decides what gets read on the internet.

The professional SEO writer will apply his hard-earned knowledge of search engine behavior and write an article similar to the following:

Many people would like to have sex with Britney Spears. According to the latest polls, even more people would like to have sex with Miley Cyrus. I know that I would really love to have sex with Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus in a threesome. There has been no scientific research on people having sex with both Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears. I dare say that there should be. That would be fascinating and would make great reading on a free porn site.

Experts agree that there are many free porn sites that have content on Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears. No one knows how many, but they are numerous. Some people might even say that there are thousands of free porn sites that deal with sex, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears. I don't know if that is true, but it is nice to think about, isn't it?

It is an interesting thought process to imagine Britney Spears having sex with Miley Cyrus on a free porn site. Many sex experts agree with this evaluation. Some do not. It is probably because they were damaged during puberty and have no interest in having sex with Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears and are too timid to surf free porn sites like normal people. I feel sorry for them.

Well, that's all I have to say about sex, Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.

If you liked this article check out our sponsors at thefreepornsite.com. There you will find many interesting articles and pictures of Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.

The end.


Beginning SEO article writers are encouraged to take the article above and use it in any way they wish.

A link back to this site would be appreciated.

Anyone with with a mailing list can be a market guru. The larger your mailing list, the bigger guru you can be. Just for fun, let's say you have managed to get a mailing list with 50,000 email addresses.

Thankfully, the market will go up or go down. It doesn't matter what market it is-- the S&P, FCOJ, the Dow Industrials, oil; just pick one.

Divide your list in half. Tell one half that the market is going up; the other half that the market is going down. Let's say that the market went up the day after you did your mailing.

Discard the 25000 you mailed with bad information.

Divide the list in half and do the same thing again. Tell 12,500 the market is moving up, the other 12,500 that the market is heading south.

If the market goes down, discard those you told the market would go up.

Do it again, discarding the bad information.

Now you have 6,250 people that know you have hit 3 trades in a row.

This is when you start to pitch your fabulous computer program that can pick market direction with uncanny accuracy. Or your newsletter. Or Norma the Space Psychic.

Do it again. Now you have 3,125 people who have seen you hit four trades in a row.

Pitch them again.

Divide and mail once again.

Pitch them again.

Now you have 1600 people who have seen you hit five in a row,

Pitch them again.

Now you have 800 who have seen you hit six in a row.

Pitch them again

Now you have 400 who have seen you hit seven in a row,

Pitch them again.

Now you have 200 who have seen you hit eight in a row.

The 100, then 50, then 25.

Now you get a new sales letter, a new product, a new market and start the process again.

Yes, you, too, can be a market guru.

Nothing to it.

Here's an interesting career path:

The GBI-DOFS Chemistry Section sponsors the Certified Marijuana Examiner’s Course, a 16-hour course for law enforcement personnel . The purpose of this class is to train students in the proper methods for testing suspected marijuana samples and, if necessary, subsequent testimony in court. Students are presented the history of the plant, growing methods, popular trends, weighing techniques, microscopic testing, and chemical testing. They are then given test samples, which must be identified with 100% accuracy. After passing the written examination and numerous proficiency tests, students receive certification from the GBI to begin analysis of cases from their respective regions or areas. As part of this course, students also participate in a mock trial to better prepare them for testimony as experts in the field of marijuana analysis. Upon completion of all assignments, students will receive certification for the identification of marijuana. The certification is valid for four (4) years, at which time the student must repeat the class to recertify. Please use this website for class enrollment.

Everything you always wanted to know, but were afraid to ask.

Brought to you as a public service.

Save the world?

Nah, pass the Cheetos.

Passers-by on Elvis Presley Boulevard have noticed an eerie green light emanating from a top floor window at Graceland, Elvis' Memphis home. Insiders believe that Elvis did not die, but suffered a stroke which left him a vegetable. The former truck driver who made millions fusing gospel, country, and the blues into rock and roll is under 24-hour care in his palatial bedroom.

"Did you ever wonder why Elvis' bedroom is off limits when you tour Graceland?" said Lamar Fyke, Memphis mafia member. "It's because he's up there, man. I'm only revealing this now because I need the money."

"Most people don't know about the Elvis/alien connection." said Sonny West, long time acquaintance of Presley. "Elvis was first contacted by aliens in 1956. He didn't start having sex with them until he got out of the army. After that, it was no holds barred. You would see them all the time running around Graceland in bobby sox and white panties. Elvis was insatiable. I'm pretty sure they hypnotized him."

"That's exactly the way I remember it," said Fyke. "It was aliens who led to Elvis' divorce. That stuff about a karate instructor was just a smoke screen we put out to protect the public. He bought several of them airplanes, and that really made Priscilla mad. I can't say I blame her much."

Sightings of UFOs and and aliens around Graceland have increased since the alien revelation. Shelby County Prosecutor R. Kent Apsley has promised a full investigation. "If there's aliens out there, we'll find 'em," he promised. "If I find out they were the ones supplying drugs to the King, They're looking at hard jail time."

In a related story, a tourist on Beale Street was sighted wearing a tee shirt that read, "Elvis is alive and living in my pants. Feel him for a quarter."

Police are investigating and ask the public to call the Report A Crime Hotline if the tourist shows up anywhere else in the city.

Bud Selig, Commissioner of Basball, cracked down on the illicit use of Major League Baseball trademarks by little league teams today. The use of names like Cubs, Yankees, Mariners, or Orioles on uniforms will no longer be allowed unless the uniforms are purchased from an authorized dealer.

"The little league has been taking a free ride for much too long," said Selig. "It's time to pay the piper. Do you know how much it costs to pay players like Andruw Jones not to play?"

Local little league officials were appalled at the decision.

"It's hard enough to raise enough money to put on a league each year," said Emily Wankette, concerned little league mom. "Now we have to pay more for uniforms because Selig wants to protect his trademarks? I hope his legs grow together."

Little league teams across the country quickly moved to change their names.

"We changed our name to the New York Pimps." said Johnny Ellsworth, third baseman for the Pimps. "Some other teams called themselves the Chicago Hustlers and the New Orleans Players. I think it's a lot cooler."

"I ain't going to pay more money so Barry Bonds can grow his head bigger. It's already the size of a basketball." said Terry Warrick, manager of the Manchester Caucasians.

"You mean I can't be a Yankee no more?" asked little Alfonso Soriano. "Pretty soon they're going to kick me off second base and make me play left field. I want to go home."

Selig explained his decision. "The rules are the rules. It is my job to defend the game of baseball from little leage freeloaders and defend it I will."

In a related story, MLB owners are meeting with Selig in June to discuss air concessions at selected major league ballparks. It is expected that the new concessions will be offered on a trial basis at ballparks in some of the more polluted cities.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

There isn't much to do in Richland, Indiana. There is a reproduction of Lincoln's childhood home where no one ever goes-- a failed attempt by the local Chamber of Commerce to promote tourism. There is a tavern situated in an old boxcar, and a restaurant housed in an imitation boxcar that serves a pretty good burger. I do not know where the Richlandian penchant for boxcars comes from, and neither did anyone I asked.

My wife is from Richland, and she doesn't know. She thinks I'm an idiot for asking. She is probably right.

Eight Thanksgivings ago, I dutifully took my wife and two kids, Samantha, 12, and Alex, 9, to Richland to spend the holiday. Thanksgivings at the Cummings household consist of Al, the patriarch, getting up up at eight in the morning, taking a seat at the head of the table, and shouting,"Wanda, where in the hell is that turkey? I'm hungry."

Al grouses at regular intervals while Wanda, my mother-in-law, tells him to shut up until dinner is served about eleven o' clock. Afterwards, we usually watch football while Al extols the virtues of Brett Favre, but not that Thanksgiving.

No, that Thanksgiving Teddy, my brother-in-law, said,"Let's go squirrel huntin'."

I had never been squirrel hunting. I had never been hunting period. I'm a city boy. The closest thing to squirrel hunting I had experienced was going to the garbage dump and shooting rats with a .22 when I was a kid. I hate rats and have no compunction about killing them. I had nothing against squirrels. A squirrel had never bothered me. My attitude toward squirrels was strictly live and let live.

"Yeah, dad, let's go squirrel huntin'," echoed my son.

"Sure, let's go," I said. I never miss a chance to bond with my son.

Al has enough ordinance around the house to win a war with Canada, should the Canadians be foolish enough to get frisky. We rummaged around for shotguns, Alex and Teddy choosing a couple of 12 gauges, while I opted for a .410, a smaller gun I was sure would be sufficient to dispatch a squirrel. After all, James Bond, the deadliest killer of them all, used a .380 Beretta automatic. No need for overkill.

Al opted not to go. "I ain't goin' out there and freezin' my ass off," he sagely decided.

We set out, the three of us, stalking the wild Indiana squirrel in the field in back of Al's house. There were a few scattered trees; black branches against the gray November sky. Patient and wily, we went from tree to tree, looking for prey. Finally, I spotted one sitting on a branch gazing imperiously down at us.

"I've spotted one," I said.

"You take the shot," said Teddy. "You're the one who saw it first."

I sighted down the barrel, took dead aim at the squirrel, and pulled the trigger expecting the rodent to fall from the tree.

Instead, one seriously pissed off squirrel began scolding me. It sat on the branch and poured invective on me. It chattered and barked, outraged.

"I think you winged it, dad," said Alex. "Shoot it again."

I did.

It made the squirrel hopping mad. It jumped furiously from branch to branch heaping squirrel insults on me as it did. I was impressed by its agility and how quickly it could move from branch to branch, up and down and six ways from sideways. On some primitive level, I expected the squirrel to return fire, throwing acorns or any available missile at me.

"Want me to chuck a rock at it?" Alex asked. "Maybe I can finish it off."

"You know," said Teddy, " I ain't never seen a squirrel that pissed off. He seems to have definite issues with you."

"Damn," I said.

Alex and Teddy were collapsing with laughter. They both agreed that was one badass squirrel in that tree.

Finally, mercifully, Teddy said: "Let's head back to the house. I'm freezing my ass off."

We sent back to the house. I cleaned the shotgun and put it away.

"Well, did you get any squirrels" Al asked.

"Nah," I said.

"What the hell is wrong with you? There's more squirrels out there than you can shake a stick at."

"Maybe you should've shook a stick at it," said Alex. "You might've scared it to death."

"Oh shut up." I said.

Now we have a new Thanksgiving story told every year at the Cummings's.

I star in it.