Members of the scientific community, gays, straights, barflies, politicians, and a few stray passers-by were astounded today by the findings of two independent studies showing conclusively that homosexuality is caused by soy products and beer.

Jim Rutz (pun unintended), writing in WorldNetDaily, states:

Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Soy is feminizing (sic), and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Fibrocystic.com came in with even sadder news:

Zava, PhD showed that these herbs stimulated estrogen receptor positive breast cancer cells to grow. Red Clover and Yucca were found to be equal in potency to estradiol at the same concentrations. Women who harvest hops for beer begin menstruating 2 days later anecdotally. Zava has confirmed that beer has a significant amount of phytoestrogens that have moderate estrogen activity from hops used in the flavoring of beer.

Reactions to the news varied among pundits and politicians.

"Well, at least they can stop looking for the gay gene," said Ann Coulter. "I always figured it was lattes, myself."

"Beer makes you queer?" asked Geraldo Rivera. "You mean Joe Six-Pack is light in the loafers? That explains Hannity. Colmes is a wine sipper. Go figure."

"What the hell is anecdotal menstruation?" inquired Huma Abedin, aide to Hillary Clinton. "I've never heard of anyone menstruating anecdotally. Sounds interesting, though."

Barack Obama took a more serious view. "We need tolerance for the lactose intolerant," he said. "We need further research to find a solution and a substitute."

"If people want to drink soy milk and chase it with a beer or two, that's their business," said Ron Paul. "I can't see funding any studies whatsoever. What's so funny about that?"

"That explains the Craig incident," said President Bush. "If his mother had breast fed him, everything would've been hunky dory. If he had a beer or two in the airport lounge, there's no way he could've helped himself."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Rumors are flying throughout the state of Indiana that Hillary Clinton, and her aide, Huma Abedin, have gone wild in the state's rollicking honky-tonks and roadhouses.

Sitting at the bar at the Pioneer Tap in Hammond, Indiana, with Fender Telecasters twanging along with the whine of steel guitars in the background, Wild Bill Wright told gunnersykes.com about his short fling with Hillary Clinton. "She came in around midnight with that want-to look in her eyes," said the biker. "We started off doing the Texas two-step and wound up doing the horizontal bop, if you know what I mean. She said I reminded her of Conway Twitty. When I woke up in the morning, she was already gone. Didn't leave a note or nothing."

Delmer Wankette, a bartender at the Shake Shack Roadhouse in Vincennes, Indiana, said: "Huma and Hillary showed up the other night about an hour before closing time. They was loaded for bear. Everybody just cleared the floor to watch 'em dance. Awfullest buncha shakin' going on I ever saw. Every man in the place hit on 'em, but nobody got lucky. I guess they didn't see anything they liked. They left together after last call."

"I don't know where we went wrong," said a tearful Bill Clinton. "It started with her belting back shots and beers and just got worse. I know I done her wrong, but I thought she had forgiven me. Sometimes, she doesn't come home at all anymore. She goes jukin' all night. My heart has been flushed down the toilet of her indifference."

"This thing is being blown way out of proportion," opined James Carville, noted political analyst. "She's just out courting the white blue collar vote. Hillary always could two-step with the best of them. She'll calm down as soon as she gets back in the White House."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.




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Rumors flew today in the beltway that Hillary Clinton aides Huma Abedin and Neera Tanden had bundled former President Bill Clinton into an unmarked vehicle and spirited him away, possibly to prevent him from talking about his wife in public and doing further damage to her campaign.

The first word came from John Caudill, of Valparaiso, Indiana, who says he saw two women throw a blanket over Bill Clinton and throw him in the back of a black limousine.

"I was just walking down the street headed to the Waffle House to get that special they've been advertising on TV, when all of a sudden, Bill Clinton started racing me to the door," said Caudill. "I knew it was him because no one else has a nose like that. Then a black limo pulled up beside him and two women jumped out, threw a blanket over him, and chucked him into the back of the limo. I recognized Huma Abedin because she is such a hottie. The first thing I did was call the Washington Post with the scoop hoping they'd throw me a few bucks. All I got was a cheap thank you and a we'll look into it."

Gunnersykes.com contacted the Washington Post to verify the story, but the reporter was put on interminable hold until the line disconnected.

Other Washington news sources, having little else to do, were quick to comment on the rumor.

"Now that is what I call decisive action," said James Carville, analyst for CNN. "It's about time she shut that boy up. I don't know what's happened to him, but he's running around shooting off his mouth like it was a howitzer or something."

"This will do serious damage to the image of an ex-president," said Ann Coulter. "I'm delighted. Do you know if they hit him with a sap? Oh, I do hope they hit him with a sap. That would be perfect."

Barack Obama was more philosophical. "I often wonder just exactly who wears the pants in that family. Now I know," he said. "I will hate to see Bill leave the campaign. I was just starting to like him. If my telephone rings at 3:00 am, I know who it will be. He can expect my full aid and assistance."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

FBI agents were surprised today to find presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton among the over 200 women who were rescued from captivity in a Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints compound where they had been forced into marriage and other unspeakable acts.

"It was horrible," sobbed Ms. Clinton. "I was forced to do the dishes and listen to Tammy Wynette records. There were women there who have never read Sylvia Plath or eaten at Masa."

FBI agent Ellsworth Mauger was the first to recognize the former first lady and was largely responsible for her rescue. "I saw her over in a corner working on a quilt with some other women and could hardly believe my eyes," said the agent. "There was something familiar about her and when she asked what the hell was taking so long, I realized who it was immediately."

Ebenezer Warren, a spokesman for the LDS, denies that Ms. Clinton was ever a captive. "She wandered in here the other day and started telling people stories about her husband waking her up at 3:00 AM with obscene phone calls and getting shot at in Bosnia. We tried to get her to leave, but she kept insisting that she was in it until the very end. We kind of felt sorry for her so we fed her and allowed her to help with the housework."

"To be truthful," said William Jefferson Clinton, former President, and current husband of Hillary Clinton, "I thought she was here in Pennsylvania twisting an arm or two. I had no idea she had been through such a horrible ordeal. I must fly to her as soon as I finish a speaking engagement in Philadelphia."

Republican rival John McCain was sympathetic to Ms. Clinton's plight. "I, too, have been a prisoner," said McCain. "I hope Ms. Clinton now sees the error of her ways and never accepts proposals from strange men again. You never know what kind of wackos they may be."

Barack Obama simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.