WASHINGTON- Barack Obama supporters, Barack Obama, John McCain supporters, and John McCain took turns bemoaning the fact that the New Yorker plans a July 21st cover depicting the assumptive Democratic nominee and his wife as gun-toting Arab terrorists with an American flag burning in their fireplace.

"Americans are stupid enough to take the cover lampoon seriously," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton. "When you are dealing with bitter inbred rednecks who are into God and guns, you can never be too careful. You just never know when one will decide to kill an Arab for Jesus. At the very least, this cover puts every convenience store clerk in middle America in danger."

"This is over the top," agreed Tucker Bounds, spokesman for the McCain campaign. "Depicting Barack Hussein Obama as a potentially dangerous terrorist is absolutely disgusting. If they'd put him in a dress supporting gay marriage, maybe that would have been appropriate. I can see portraying him as light-loafered sissy boy, but there's no need to go as far as they've gone."

U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings was appalled. "Many states do not have the concept of irony in their curriculums until the senior year of high school," she said. "Most of them do not grasp the concept then. How can you expect someone who cannot find Iowa on a map to properly interpret a magazine cover showing such outrageous nincompoopery? The press needs to show some responsibility here."

"I fully support Barack Obama in his efforts to be President even though most of his supporters are exactly the type of pseudo-intellectual elitist puffballs who read the New Yorker," said Hillary Clinton. "Real Americans who see the cover on newsstands will either nod sagely as they pass by or ignore it completely.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

In a not unexpected turn of events, Don Imus, the controversial shock jock, is no longer allowed to utter the word black.

"He needs to say nothing at all about blacks," said Dick Gregory. "I hereby forbid him from doing so."

"If I hear of him referring to blacks, I'll have him fired," agreed Al Sharpton. "If anyone wants to talk about blacks, they need to clear it through me."

"I'm never ever going to say anything about blacks as long as I live," said Hillary Clinton. "It's best to pretend that blacks don't exist. That way there won't be any trouble."

"I am deeply offended that Don Imus asked if I was black," sobbed Adam "Pacman" Jones, who has been arrested numerous times for being black. "The nerve of that guy. I am shattered."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama commented on the incident. "Bill Clinton was not the first black President. Hopefully, I will be the first black President. We need a President who can dance. Anyone who jokes about it will be dealt with harshly."

"I've been ignoring blacks for years," said President George W. Bush. "I will continue to ignore blacks. It's best."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

With apologies to Lewis Carrol.

One day, all important Democrats gathered in a special place to make a very important decision. Their two candidates were locked in a contest that could not be decided by the voters. So the very wisest of Democrats came from all over the nation to ponder the problem and offer the nomination to the candidate with the best qualities.

"The very best thing we can do," said Jimmy Carter, who was perhaps the wisest of them all, "is to conduct a Caucus-race."

"What is a Caucus-race?" said Hillary Clinton; not that she much wanted to know, but Al Gore had tilted his head and stroked his chin as if he thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

"Why," said Al Gore, "the best way to explain it is to do it." (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Democrats managed it.)

First they marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle ("the exact shape doesn’t matter," they said), and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there.

There was no "One, two, three, and away!" but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite exhausted, Nancy Pelosi suddenly called out "The race is over!" and they all crowded round her, panting, and asking, "But who has won?"

"We must ask Jimmy Carter," said Nancy.

This question Jimmy Carter could not answer without a great deal of thought, and he stood for a long time with one finger pressed upon his forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence.

At last Jimmy Carter said, "Everybody has won, and all must have prizes."

"But who is to give the prizes?" quite a chorus of voices asked.

"Why, she, of course," said Jimmy Carter, pointing to Hillary Clinton with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out, in a confused way, "Prizes! Prizes!"

Hillary had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out the votes from Michigan and Florida (luckily there were no hanging chads or Supreme Court decisions to hinder her), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one vote a-piece, all round.

"But she must have a prize herself, you know," said Edward Kennedy.

"Of course," Al Gore replied very gravely. "What else have you got in your pocket?" he went on, turning to Hillary.

"Only the Vice Presidency," said Hillary sadly.

"Hand it over here," said Nancy Pelosi.

Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Speaker of the House solemnly presented the Vice Presidency, saying:

"We beg your acceptance of this elegant office"; and, when she had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

Hillary thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the Vice Presidency, looking as solemn as she could.

The next thing was to share the votes with Barack Obama: this caused some noise and confusion, as the large players complained that they could not get enough prizes for their constituencies, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back.

"It really does get curiouser and curiouser, doesn't it?" said Hillary.

"You don't know the half." replied Barack Obama.

The premiere of a video that shows an extra-terrestrial peeking into a living room window in Colorado has presidential hopeful Barack Obama up in arms. The video has been authenticated by an instructor with thirty years of experience from the Colorado Film School in Denver.

"If you see a four foot tall space alien peeking through your window, by all means draw your curtains or lower your blinds," Obama advised."My experience on the streets of Chicago tells me that these little geeks can be dangerous. Space aliens do not speak for me or my campaign. I denounce them, but I will meet with them if necessary."

Likely Republican nominee John McCain was quick to respond. "Mr. Obama's response to the alien menace shows the depth of his immaturity and a singular lack of vision," said McCain. "My experience as a fighter pilot enables me to handle situations like this efficiently. If you see a UFO, gun it down. If you see an alien peeking through your window, get your 12-gauge and blast it back to perdition. We can only negotiate through strength. I will meet with space aliens only on my terms."

The Clinton camp took a more pragmatic view. "All votes should be counted," said former President Bill Clinton, speaking for his wife."If the alien was born in the US, it has the constitutional right to vote. We estimate that there are at least a million of these little peepers running around loose based on the frequency of reports. Hillary's views on space exploration are well known. Only a hare-brained fascist or a punk kid from Chicago would say aliens would not vote for Hillary.That puts us ahead in the popular vote and should secure the nomination. In fact, I have communicated telepathically with several aliens, and they all support Hillary."

Dark horse Republican candidate Ron Paul published a statement on his website. "I don't hold with aliens peeping through windows. If they want to fly around and watch people, they have every right to do so."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich shrugged and said I told you so.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Heaven help us. This woman is in the Senate.

The success of the Transportation Security Administration's Screening Passengers by Observation Technique program, known as SPOT, has prompted a congressional bi-partisan committee to propose the creation of the Federal Bureau of Crime Prevention to curtail criminal activity before it happens.

The SPOT program caused a stir among civil libertarians and other cranks a few months ago when it was revealed that the TSA had several highly trained agents on duty to ferret out potential terrorists by reading their facial expressions.

"The program has been a tremendous success," said Kip Hawley, TSA Administrator. "We have stopped thousands of people in airports based upon their suspicious facial expressions. After detaining them and subjecting them to intensive interrogation techniques, not a single one of them has committed an act of terrorism. No sane person can argue with results like that."

"My friends," said presidential hopeful John McCain. "Nothing is as important as the safety of our children, our homes, and our country. Now with this new technology, we can prevent crime before it happens. The Federal Bureau of Crime Prevention will be charged with finding potential criminals and incarcerating them before they can do any harm to the public. We will institute training programs for local law enforcement agencies and citizens groups. Some of the fine women in Mothers Against Drunk Drivers have already contacted me about using the techniques to catch drunk drivers before they take a drink. There is real hope for a safer America."

Senator Hillary Clinton agreed that the bureau would significantly reduce crime. "If it saves even one child from being molested, the expense has justified itself," she said. "Let criminals and terrorists beware."

A few uneducated outliers, many of whom appeared to be from West Virginia, questioned the legality of establishing the new government bureau. Gunnersykes.com will not mention their names because giving publicity to such people only encourages them.

Bruce Ackerman, Sterling Professor of Law and Political Science at Yale Law School, took the time from his busy day to reply to such ridiculous nattering: "There is nothing in US law that protects the right to look like a criminal," he said. "If someone wants to go about looking like a criminal, it is the sovereign right of the government to detain him or her, question the suspect, and incarcerate them if they refuse to identify themselves. The safety of the people is paramount."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Political junkies, pundits, and even a few feminist groups were buzzing today about a possible Obama-Edwards ticket. In the wake of Mr. Edwards' coming endorsement of Senator Obama's candidacy, the possibility for the cutest ticket in recent memory is too enticing for many to resist.

"There's just no doubt that John Edwards is the cutest little thing, and Obama isn't far behind," said Barbara Walters, who used to be a journalist. "John McCain looks like Popeye. No one is going to vote for him.."

"Oh shut up, Barbara." quipped Star Jones. "You wouldn't know cute if it slithered up your leg. Edward Brooke? Damn, girl."

Other pundits weighed in on the cute factor to fill air time.

"Edwards is just a little too cute, if you ask me," opined Ann Coulter, syndicated columnist and denizen of Fox News. "Curious George and the Carolina Fairy? That is too cute."

Lou Dobbs predicted a bright future for the Obama-Edwards ticket. "I was tremendously worried that Senator Obama would pick Bill Richardson for the ticket," he pontificated. "This ticket has legs. We won't have to worry about criminals swarming across our southern border carrying knives, selling drugs, and raping our women folk. It's time we stood up. Don't we deserve a government that works? Obama is not as cute as Jack Kennedy, possibly the cutest President ever, but Edwards is so much cuter than Lyndon Johnson that he balances the ticket in Obama's favor. The Republicans better pack their bags."

"Hillary's not getting out," said campaign manager Maggie Willians. "We are negotiating with both George Clooney and Brad Pitt right now. She's not just another pretty face, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Rumors are flying throughout the state of Indiana that Hillary Clinton, and her aide, Huma Abedin, have gone wild in the state's rollicking honky-tonks and roadhouses.

Sitting at the bar at the Pioneer Tap in Hammond, Indiana, with Fender Telecasters twanging along with the whine of steel guitars in the background, Wild Bill Wright told gunnersykes.com about his short fling with Hillary Clinton. "She came in around midnight with that want-to look in her eyes," said the biker. "We started off doing the Texas two-step and wound up doing the horizontal bop, if you know what I mean. She said I reminded her of Conway Twitty. When I woke up in the morning, she was already gone. Didn't leave a note or nothing."

Delmer Wankette, a bartender at the Shake Shack Roadhouse in Vincennes, Indiana, said: "Huma and Hillary showed up the other night about an hour before closing time. They was loaded for bear. Everybody just cleared the floor to watch 'em dance. Awfullest buncha shakin' going on I ever saw. Every man in the place hit on 'em, but nobody got lucky. I guess they didn't see anything they liked. They left together after last call."

"I don't know where we went wrong," said a tearful Bill Clinton. "It started with her belting back shots and beers and just got worse. I know I done her wrong, but I thought she had forgiven me. Sometimes, she doesn't come home at all anymore. She goes jukin' all night. My heart has been flushed down the toilet of her indifference."

"This thing is being blown way out of proportion," opined James Carville, noted political analyst. "She's just out courting the white blue collar vote. Hillary always could two-step with the best of them. She'll calm down as soon as she gets back in the White House."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.




If you like this site, buy Gunner a beer! Three bucks for a pint, seven bucks for a pitcher. His local tavern will thank you.

Reporters, pundits, bloggers, and other people of ill-repute scrambled madly today to find new ways to discredit Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

"The best we've been able to come up with so far is a headline stating that an attack on Reverend Wright is an attack on the black church," sighed an anonymous Associated Press reporter. "I know it's weak, but we're working on it."

"This is insane. We can't have an opinionated black man running around saying whatever is on his mind. This country is built upon saying whatever is expedient in order to get elected. This guy doesn't care if he's elected to anything. It's one of the most disgusting, self-serving displays of First Amendment abuse I've ever seen," said a well-known Fox News pundit who wished not to be identified.

"I know how to do it. I'm going to call him a narcissist and drone on endlessly about how he is hurting the Obama campaign." said Emily Wankette, girl reporter. "That ought to fix his wagon."

"I'm just going to keep on calling him a slime and trying to convince people that he is an unpatriotic, ranting wacko," said Robert Mauger, right wing blogger. "If those YouTube videos worked two weeks ago, they'll work now. It's not like anybody watches CNN or PBS anyway. This will all be over soon. We can keep up the good old guilt by association attack on Obama right up to November. I don't see what everybody has their panties in a wad about."

"I think he scares working class white people," said another unidentified pundit. "There is no reason to believe that simply because working class white people have been working next to working class black people for fifty years that they've actually said anything to each other or gotten to know each other. If we can't count on unreasoning fear from the white blue collar set, what can you count on?"

"The worst thing that can happen is people seeing the Reverend Wright as an intelligent, humorous, independent human being who thinks for himself," said a Clinton campaign worker. "We just can't let that happen."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Maggie Williams, David Plouffe, and Rick Davis, managers, respectively, of the Clinton, Obama, and McCain campaigns joined together today to announce that the American people want and deserve more of the same.

"Senator Clinton's More of the Same program is pretty much the same as the other candidates' MOTS programs, but different," said Ms. Williams. "If people want change, let them go out on street corners and beg for it. What they really want, and what they will get, will be more of the same."

"The demographics speak for themselves," said Rick Davies. "Here at McCain headquarters, we've pored over election results, taken surveys, analyzed polls, and consulted with experts. There is no doubt about it. The only sure way to win the hearts of the American voter is with a well-constructed MOTS program. We believe our MOTS program will promise people anything they want while firmly entrenching the status quo."

"The important difference in Obama's MOTS program is the hope ingredient," explained David Plouffe. "Take, for example, Hillary's health care plan. Hillary wants to end the health care problem by forcing people to buy medical insurance whether they want it or not. Obama's health care plan allows them to buy health insurance, but still allows them to opt out and hope they don't get sick or injured. Even Senator McCain allows people to hope that one day they will be able to afford medical insurance. Any way you slice it, the American voter will still receive more of the same, but in a different package. If you think about it, isn't that all they can reasonably expect?"

"Well said," replied Rick Davis. "The foreign policy section of our MOTS program also allows people to hope we somehow extricate ourselves from the quagmire we've gotten ourselves into in the Middle East. Senator McCain reasonably believes that if we stick around and kill a few more Iraqis, they will see the light. Senator Clinton proposes that we kill a few more Iraqis while we gradually withdraw and threaten Iran with annihilation. Senator Obama proposes that we kill as few Iraqis as humanely possible while withdrawing, and concentrate on killing people in Afghanistan. There is no essential difference in our MOTS programs, so the American voter can rest assured that we will remain in the Middle East quagmire for the foreseeable future."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

In a stunning reversal of political trends, the latest Sykes poll has the Reverend Jeremiah Wright ahead of John McCain and Hillary Clinton if a national election was held today.

Wright leads McCain by a significant 12% with a margin of error of plus or minus 4%. Ms. Clinton does slightly better with a 9% differential.

"If they want to run against me, I'm down with it." said the Reverend Wright. "If you mess with the bull, you get the horn."

Wright led McCain among all demographic groups. White males over 30 with jobs and IQs over 70 showed a large 21% increase in support for the Chicago minister.

"I like the guy," said Leslie Seydel, an iron worker from Gary, Indiana. "If Wright says it's Easter, you'd best start coloring your eggs."

Wright also led among black and Hispanic voters who would rather chop off a finger than vote for McCain.

"Are you crazy?" asked Maria Espinoza of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. "If McCain gets in, I'm going to Mexico, and I'm from Bolivia."

Ms. Clinton fared slightly better than McCain among gay voters with large Judy Garland record collections. Wright edged her by 6% while McCain was outpolled by a whopping 83%.

Clinton also ran slightly better among women with criminal records for shooting their husbands with large caliber hand guns. Wright was ahead by a statistically insignificant 3%.

"This makes for an entirely new ballgame," opined Lou Dobbs because he could think of nothing else to say. "I believe the media had a large part in these results because of our constant running of the Wright videos from Youtube. The law of unintended consequences came into play."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

An eerie incident during tonight's Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama has mystics, psychics, and conspiracy theorists agog over Ms. Clinton's apparent possession by the spirit of John McCain.

"It was about the weirdest thing I've ever seen-- I mean much weirder than than the WTC mysteriously falling in on itself, or even George Bush shape-shifting into a reptilian alien. When her face started changing into John McCain's, I almost peed my pants," said Norma the Space Psychic, who communicates telepathically with higher intelligences in Andromeda. "I mean it was downright spooky."

"Only people who are attuned to the higher realms of akashic thought could see it," said Sonya Fitzpatrick, pet psychic. "I saw it and my cat, Ishtar IV, almost jumped through the TV. It was lucky that I had her on an astral chain. She might've hurt herself. I mean the cat, not Hillary."

George Stephanopolous, a moderator at the debate, was not sure if he had seen the change or not. "I did notice the senator from New York bashing the Reverend Wright and trying to act like a gun-totin', lapel-flag-wearin' Republican, but that's not unusual. I have to admit I did get a strange feeling though, kind of like just before an electrical storm hits, when she looked at me; but a lot of people react like that when she looks at them."

"Oh yeah, I saw it," said Geraldo Rivera, who plays a reporter on Fox News. "How could you miss it? The change has been coming on for months. It's gradual, but noticeable. Her throwing back that shot and a beer in Indiana was a sure tipoff. We'll be interviewing her about it soon."

"There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the change," explained George Ribbit, a noted expert on everything."Hillary is in the thrall of David Rockefeller, who is the man who pulls the strings on the Foreign Relations Council. The FRC is a front for the Freemasons who have a hotline to the Grays via Baphomet, the supposed earth spirit. Everything will be revealed after the 2008 election when the truth about Roswell and the JFK assassination is made public."

In a related story, Senator John McCain of Arizona was reported by reliable sources to be consulting Sylvia Brown, a noted psychic, on methods of channeling Ronald Reagan.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.


Photo work by J. D. Truesilver

Rumors flew today in the beltway that Hillary Clinton aides Huma Abedin and Neera Tanden had bundled former President Bill Clinton into an unmarked vehicle and spirited him away, possibly to prevent him from talking about his wife in public and doing further damage to her campaign.

The first word came from John Caudill, of Valparaiso, Indiana, who says he saw two women throw a blanket over Bill Clinton and throw him in the back of a black limousine.

"I was just walking down the street headed to the Waffle House to get that special they've been advertising on TV, when all of a sudden, Bill Clinton started racing me to the door," said Caudill. "I knew it was him because no one else has a nose like that. Then a black limo pulled up beside him and two women jumped out, threw a blanket over him, and chucked him into the back of the limo. I recognized Huma Abedin because she is such a hottie. The first thing I did was call the Washington Post with the scoop hoping they'd throw me a few bucks. All I got was a cheap thank you and a we'll look into it."

Gunnersykes.com contacted the Washington Post to verify the story, but the reporter was put on interminable hold until the line disconnected.

Other Washington news sources, having little else to do, were quick to comment on the rumor.

"Now that is what I call decisive action," said James Carville, analyst for CNN. "It's about time she shut that boy up. I don't know what's happened to him, but he's running around shooting off his mouth like it was a howitzer or something."

"This will do serious damage to the image of an ex-president," said Ann Coulter. "I'm delighted. Do you know if they hit him with a sap? Oh, I do hope they hit him with a sap. That would be perfect."

Barack Obama was more philosophical. "I often wonder just exactly who wears the pants in that family. Now I know," he said. "I will hate to see Bill leave the campaign. I was just starting to like him. If my telephone rings at 3:00 am, I know who it will be. He can expect my full aid and assistance."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

FBI agents were surprised today to find presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton among the over 200 women who were rescued from captivity in a Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints compound where they had been forced into marriage and other unspeakable acts.

"It was horrible," sobbed Ms. Clinton. "I was forced to do the dishes and listen to Tammy Wynette records. There were women there who have never read Sylvia Plath or eaten at Masa."

FBI agent Ellsworth Mauger was the first to recognize the former first lady and was largely responsible for her rescue. "I saw her over in a corner working on a quilt with some other women and could hardly believe my eyes," said the agent. "There was something familiar about her and when she asked what the hell was taking so long, I realized who it was immediately."

Ebenezer Warren, a spokesman for the LDS, denies that Ms. Clinton was ever a captive. "She wandered in here the other day and started telling people stories about her husband waking her up at 3:00 AM with obscene phone calls and getting shot at in Bosnia. We tried to get her to leave, but she kept insisting that she was in it until the very end. We kind of felt sorry for her so we fed her and allowed her to help with the housework."

"To be truthful," said William Jefferson Clinton, former President, and current husband of Hillary Clinton, "I thought she was here in Pennsylvania twisting an arm or two. I had no idea she had been through such a horrible ordeal. I must fly to her as soon as I finish a speaking engagement in Philadelphia."

Republican rival John McCain was sympathetic to Ms. Clinton's plight. "I, too, have been a prisoner," said McCain. "I hope Ms. Clinton now sees the error of her ways and never accepts proposals from strange men again. You never know what kind of wackos they may be."

Barack Obama simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

US intelligence officials revealed photographic evidence today that presidential hopeful John McCain was once a prison guard at the notorious Stalag 13, a Nazi POW camp.

"We were taken aback by the evidence when the Mossad first transmitted it to us, but it looks like the real deal," said Robert Mauger, of the National Security Agency, "We are conducting tests on facial characteristics and measurements to make sure."

The investigation was spurred by the realization of a former POW, John Kinchloe, that McCain appeared to be very close to knowing nothing.

"It just rang a bell in my head, and then I realized that McCain was none other than Sergeant Hans Schultz, who used to guard me when I was a prisoner in World War II. I always knew there was something weird about him. I called my buddies at the NSA and asked them to look into it," said Kinchloe, who was a communications technician for the US Army when captured.

McCain Campaign Manager Rick Davis scoffed at the investigation."This may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced in my years in politics. Hans Schultz is a character on a TV show, you morons."

Senator Hillary Clinton took the investigation seriously. "Sergeant Hans Schultz may or may not be a character on a TV show, but if John McCain is linked to Nazi atrocities, the world has the right to know. If I can be investigated, McCain should be investigated. No one is above the law."

Legal representatives for Senator McCain have filed suit in federal court to have the investigation stopped on the grounds that there is no credible evidence for the investigation since it is based on the testimony of fictional characters, but hold out little hope considering the court's previous inattention to reality.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.


Photo by John Truesilver

In a startling crescendo to an increasingly bitter campaign, Hillary Clinton physically attacked Barack Obama today, effectively ending what many believe will be their last televised debate. Offended by a remark from Mr. Obama concerning her recent misstatement about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, Senator Clinton left her lectern at Philadelphia's Freedom Hall and grabbed Senator Obama's ear.

"OK, Mr. Smarty Pants," said Hillary, "let's just march you outside for a time out."

"Ow," said Mr. Obama. "Let me go."

Ms. Clinton began to lead Mr. Obama by the ear toward an exit door when Secret Service Agents stepped in to stop the altercation.

"Get away from me, you idiots," demanded the former first lady. "I'm coming through."

The agents then stepped between the two and freed Mr. Obama's ear.

"This is the kind of politics I have been trying to avoid," said Obama.
"The ugly politics of divisiveness."

"Oh shut up, Mr. One Term Senator Who Thinks He Wants To Be President," said Ms. Clinton. "I'll let you know when you can talk."

James Carville, a political analyst for CNN who looks surprisingly like a gnome, quickly came to Ms. Clinton's defense. "Obama, you touch one hair on her head and this old corporal will climb on you like ten bad Mexicans," Mr. Carville threatened.

"Mexicans?" asked Governor Bill Richards of New Mexico, who had followed the two presidential candidates hoping to be of some help. "I'll show you a Mexican." He then thumped Mr. Carville a pretty good one in the vicinity of his right eye.

"It's on, Judas," said Carville, and began to flail wildly at the governor.

Secret Service Agents quickly stopped the second physical altercation of the evening, disappointing the wildly enthusiastic crowd.

Order was restored when Obama, Clinton, Carville, and Richards were whisked away in separate limousines.

CNN pundits were quick to fill the unexpected dead air time with expert commentary.

"I thought Senator Clinton might twist Senator Obama's ear right off his head," opined Lou Dobbs.

"Yes, she definitely had a pretty good grip on it," agreed Jack Cafferty. "James Carville gave a pretty good account of himself, too"

"Yes, the little guy was pretty courageous." said Dobbs. "Those Mexicans carry knives, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but reliable sources report he was pleased and highly amused.

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton called today for a nationwide ban on baseball bats. Citing the inherent danger in owning baseball bats, the senator vowed to push legislation through congress confiscating all bats not belonging to professional baseball players hitting over .250.

"Every year hundreds of people are injured by other people smacking them up side the head with baseball bats," said Clinton. "It's very simple. No bats. No bruises."

Reaction was instantaneous from the Major League Baseball Players Association. Donald M. Fehr, Executive Director, stated:"Aren't players who can't hit the Mendoza line discriminated against enough, already? Pitchers in the National League already look silly with a bat. What do you think the reaction will be when they have to walk up to the plate empty-handed? Clinton should reconsider."

A survey conducted by the Bureau of Federal Crime Statistics shows that 28% of domestic violence cases involve irate wives smacking their good-for-nothing husbands with bats after being told that their asses actually do look too fat in the dress they chose to wear that evening.

"I don't know if the non-availability of bats would alleviate the situation," said Emily Wankette, girl internet reporter and expert on just about everything. "It really speaks to the crude, uncaring, callous attitude of men in general."

Inner city gangs, thugs, Mafia enforcers, and enraged little league moms have also been known to use bats on their victims.

"It's almost an epidemic," said George Ribbit, spokesperson for Scientists Who Analyze Insignificant Events for Our Own Good. "Baseball bats remind us of clubs on a primitive level and bring out our animal tendencies. It's our natural tendency to want to whack someone on the head. I don't even want to start on the phallic symbolism."

George Brett, former major league ballplayer and executive for the Kansas City Royals was strongly against the legislation. "They'll pry my bat from my cold dead fingers," he vowed.

When asked about the effect of the ban on recreational sports leagues around the country, Ms. Clinton said they should play soccer like civilized people.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Here is how it works. First the press, either from the right or left, pounces on a public figure because someone associated with him said something the press deems unacceptable. Then other public figures start demanding that the associate be renounced, or they will be forced to denounce the pounced upon public figure.

It is the pounce, renounce, denounce game.

The latest pounce is on Barack Obama. Obama's minister said,"God damn America." It does not matter in what context the preacher said it. Context is for rubes. There is no time to include context in a TV sound bite.

Obama talks to his public relations people. Obama quickly gets to renouncing.

Louis Farrakhan said some nice things about Obama. Why shouldn't he? Louis Farrakhan seems to be happy that a black man might become President. That deserves some serious renouncing.

I have not taken a survey, but I will bet the ranch that there are a lot of black people who are happy that a black man might become President. I bet that some of them have criminal records, too.

So, we can see that Barack Obama has the support of black people with criminal records. Better get to renouncing, Obama.

Pounce, renounce, denounce.

The press pounced on Hillary Clinton the other day because Geraldine Ferraro opined that Barack Obama's popularity among black voters was at least partially due to the fact that Obama was black. Hillary renounced Ferraro. Ferraro resigned.

It is not just a game for Democrats. A Protestant minister who supported John McCain actually said some bad things about Roman Catholics. Imagine that. A Protestant saying something disagreeable about Roman Catholics. The press pounced. McCain renounced.

A few months ago, the press pounced on Ron Paul because a self-proclaimed fascist donated a whopping $500.00 to the Paul campaign. Ron Paul refused to play the pounce, renounce, denounce game, so he got denounced.

The man just has no political acumen. A man who will not play the pounce, renounce, denounce game has no business being President.

Washington D.C.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi revealed today that the House of Representatives has passed legislation repealing the law of gravity.

"I don't know why we didn't think of this before," said Pelosi. "Imagine what a boon this will be to the airlines alone. Credit is due to Jerry Brown. If he hadn't mentioned it at a cocktail party about a month ago, it would never have occurred to me. It is genius, pure genius."

"Of course I voted for it," said Dennis Kucinich. "Elizabeth and I have been doing it for years."

The lone dissenter in the house vote was Ron Paul. "This will be almost as big a debacle as when the democrats repealed the law of supply and demand under Roosevelt," opined the congressman from Texas.

Several prominent Democrats from the private sector and the senate questioned the wisdom of the proposal.

"It's definitely a step in the right direction," said Al Gore,"but what are we going to do with the increased traffic congestion in the airways? I can envision bicycles, automobiles, and former pedestrians all gently colliding with each other and moving slowly about with no apparent purpose. I don't think this legislation should pass until a thoughtful, thorough study is made of all the possible ramifications."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama was enthusiastic about the measure. "The future is here, people," he said. "No more will we be bound by the old ways holding us down. There is real hope for America now. Every man, woman, and child in this country will be able to go where they want with a simple push off any solid object. Our day is here."

"I do wish that boy-- er, I mean guy, would just shut up for a minute," opined Hillary Clinton.

No Republicans, other than Ron Paul, chose to comment on the legislation because they were hurt and resentful that they lacked the imagination to think of it.

"It will never work," said one bitter prominent republican who asked not to be identified. "I just know it."

Senator John McCain took time off from his presidential campaign today to announce the passage of the McCain-Clinton bill to end global warming.

"My friends," said McCain, "it was high time that someone reached across the aisle and brought people together on this important issue. I am proud to announce the beginning of the end to global warming. My friend, Hillary Clinton, and I have tackled this tough issue in the true spirit of bi-partisanship."

The revolutionary new bill includes measures to fine cattle ranchers up to $25,000.00 per incident for excessive cow flatulence, mandatory purchase of florescent light bulbs by everyone in the US by January 2009, and the end of daylight savings time. A addendum by Senator Ted Kennedy to make it illegal for the sun to shine in certain parts of Florida between 12 PM and 2 PM was dropped from the bill to ensure its passage because of fervent opposition by Christian evangelicals who objected on theological grounds.

The bill calls for the creation of The Bureau of Weather Control with an initial cost of 20.3 billion dollars with facilities to be located in Arizona and New York.

"This bill will be revenue neutral," promised McCain. "Initial costs will be recouped by the imposition of fines on dairy farmers and ranchers and people who do not comply with the florescent light bulb provision of the new law. The abolition of daylight savings time will serve to stop global warming by having one less hour of daylight and sunshine for a large part of every year. The economy will flourish because this bill creates 20,000 new government jobs for people to inspect cow anuses and light bulb sockets."

Attempts to contact Senator Clinton concerning the bill were rebuffed by a campaign worker who kept saying, "Who are you and what is the Cracker Box? No, you can't talk to the Senator."