Members of the scientific community, gays, straights, barflies, politicians, and a few stray passers-by were astounded today by the findings of two independent studies showing conclusively that homosexuality is caused by soy products and beer.

Jim Rutz (pun unintended), writing in WorldNetDaily, states:

Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Soy is feminizing (sic), and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Fibrocystic.com came in with even sadder news:

Zava, PhD showed that these herbs stimulated estrogen receptor positive breast cancer cells to grow. Red Clover and Yucca were found to be equal in potency to estradiol at the same concentrations. Women who harvest hops for beer begin menstruating 2 days later anecdotally. Zava has confirmed that beer has a significant amount of phytoestrogens that have moderate estrogen activity from hops used in the flavoring of beer.

Reactions to the news varied among pundits and politicians.

"Well, at least they can stop looking for the gay gene," said Ann Coulter. "I always figured it was lattes, myself."

"Beer makes you queer?" asked Geraldo Rivera. "You mean Joe Six-Pack is light in the loafers? That explains Hannity. Colmes is a wine sipper. Go figure."

"What the hell is anecdotal menstruation?" inquired Huma Abedin, aide to Hillary Clinton. "I've never heard of anyone menstruating anecdotally. Sounds interesting, though."

Barack Obama took a more serious view. "We need tolerance for the lactose intolerant," he said. "We need further research to find a solution and a substitute."

"If people want to drink soy milk and chase it with a beer or two, that's their business," said Ron Paul. "I can't see funding any studies whatsoever. What's so funny about that?"

"That explains the Craig incident," said President Bush. "If his mother had breast fed him, everything would've been hunky dory. If he had a beer or two in the airport lounge, there's no way he could've helped himself."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

An eerie incident during tonight's Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama has mystics, psychics, and conspiracy theorists agog over Ms. Clinton's apparent possession by the spirit of John McCain.

"It was about the weirdest thing I've ever seen-- I mean much weirder than than the WTC mysteriously falling in on itself, or even George Bush shape-shifting into a reptilian alien. When her face started changing into John McCain's, I almost peed my pants," said Norma the Space Psychic, who communicates telepathically with higher intelligences in Andromeda. "I mean it was downright spooky."

"Only people who are attuned to the higher realms of akashic thought could see it," said Sonya Fitzpatrick, pet psychic. "I saw it and my cat, Ishtar IV, almost jumped through the TV. It was lucky that I had her on an astral chain. She might've hurt herself. I mean the cat, not Hillary."

George Stephanopolous, a moderator at the debate, was not sure if he had seen the change or not. "I did notice the senator from New York bashing the Reverend Wright and trying to act like a gun-totin', lapel-flag-wearin' Republican, but that's not unusual. I have to admit I did get a strange feeling though, kind of like just before an electrical storm hits, when she looked at me; but a lot of people react like that when she looks at them."

"Oh yeah, I saw it," said Geraldo Rivera, who plays a reporter on Fox News. "How could you miss it? The change has been coming on for months. It's gradual, but noticeable. Her throwing back that shot and a beer in Indiana was a sure tipoff. We'll be interviewing her about it soon."

"There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the change," explained George Ribbit, a noted expert on everything."Hillary is in the thrall of David Rockefeller, who is the man who pulls the strings on the Foreign Relations Council. The FRC is a front for the Freemasons who have a hotline to the Grays via Baphomet, the supposed earth spirit. Everything will be revealed after the 2008 election when the truth about Roswell and the JFK assassination is made public."

In a related story, Senator John McCain of Arizona was reported by reliable sources to be consulting Sylvia Brown, a noted psychic, on methods of channeling Ronald Reagan.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.


Photo work by J. D. Truesilver