NEW YORK- In what many see as a valiant bi-partisan effort, Fox News commentator and noted author Bill O'Reilly announced that he was forming a non-profit corporation dedicated to saving Senator Barack Obama's testicles.

"I hate to see anyone lose their testicles, even menacing political figures who may well be Muslim terrorists and elitist pacifists who have no respect for hard-working Americans," said O'Reilly.

O'Reilly proposed funding the corporation through private donations on the internet.

"If it worked for Ron Paul, it should work for Obama's testicles," observed O'Reilly. "We can reach young people and those who have purchased penis enlargement pills-- market segments who fully understand the importance of protecting testicles. Many of them are liberals and should be receptive."

Mr. O'Reilly outlined the priorities for his new organization.

"The first thing we will do is put 24-hour surveillance on Reverend Jesse Jackson. I don't think he is making empty threats(see video below). I have always thought there was an undertow of violence in the man's character. We will also aid the Secret Service in their mission to protect what may become the first jewels by having an expert team of investigative journalist make daily reports as to the health of Obama's private parts. We also plan to purchase seven athletic supporters complete with cups for Obama to wear, one for each day of the week. Everyone, regardless of political affiliation, may contribute and join. People who donate over one hundred dollars will receive a handsome kangaroo scrotum bottle opener."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

The discovery of a disturbing drawing that might be the work of Michelle Obama while she was in the second grade has Republicans expressing doubts about Mrs. Obama's qualifications to be first lady.

The drawing shows military tanks, mortars, and Jeeps interspersed with children in a haphazard fashion.

McCain adviser Randy Scheunemann, in a hastily called news conference, stated. "While this drawing may or may not be the work of Michelle Obama as a child, it certainly shows the working of a disturbed mind. Do we really want to take a chance on a person like this?"

"At the very least, this drawing shows absolutely no concern for the safety of children," said Bill O'Reilly, who has not had sexual harassment charges filed against him in several months. "Maybe she cares about her children, but it's pretty plain that she doesn't care a hoot or a holler about anyone else's."

Noted psychologist John Duckstazo thought the drawing was possibly related to a childhood trauma. "She was probably frightened by a war film, or possibly a soldier," he said. "All of the children in the picture are white. Perhaps it shows an unconscious desire for white people to be run over by tanks. I have never met Mrs. Obama, but if she says she's not proud to be an American, it makes sense that she would want white people to be crushed by tanks."

"My wife, who is normal, taught school for a while," said President George W. Bush. "If a kid ever turned anything like that into her, she would've had the child removed, evaluated, and placed in foster care. You can never be too careful."

Republicans everywhere are being asked by the RNC to circulate the drawing via email to alert the public about the possible menace.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Moving to shore up his conservative political base today, John McCain proposed a revolutionary new plan to stem the tide of illegal immigrants across the US-Mexico border.

"I get the message, my friends," said McCain. "Something must be done about the immigration issue. For too long, illegal immigrants have been pouring into this country, cleaning our houses, and mowing our lawns. In order to put a stop to this ever-growing problem, I am bringing a bill before congress this week to put a line of demarcation across the entire US-Mexico border. Anyone who crosses the line without permission will promptly be asked to leave in no uncertain terms."

The details of the plan, just released to the press, entail using baseball chalk markers like those used in little league fields across the country to lay down a marker across all states that border Mexico.

"It's pure genius," remarked Bill O'Reilly, the famous desk whacker from Fox News. "It will increase employment in this country while keeping out drunk driving illegal immigrants who present a very real and grave threat to all Americans."

"I just don't know about this," opined Lou Dobbs, Chief Immigrant Basher for CNN. "I agree with it on principle, but what if it rains? Will they roll out tarps to cover the lines? I will want to look a little deeper into the particulars of this proposal before I can fully support it."

Jerry Brown, Attorney General of the State of California, was not enamored of the proposal. "If this guy gets elected President, buy me a ticket to Toronto," said Brown. "Has he even thought about the environmental impact of laying a chalk line down in our state? Of course not. The man is a menace. Our Governor is a menace, too. Eight years of Bush and now this? Please."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.