Several prominent Republicans are incensed at Senator Barack Obama for his use of race as an issue during the 2008 campaign.

"Don't tell me he isn't making race an issue," said President George W. Bush. "Every time he does a television commercial or makes a speech, there it is -- a black man running for President."

"If Obama isn't making race an issue, then why is he black?" asked Rush Limbaugh, noted radio commentator and white person.

"The emergence of a black man as a Presidential contender changes the entire campaign," complained Republican strategist Kate Obenshain. "If we trot out images of menacing black criminals to scare the hell out of suburban housewives, the Democrats will accuse us of racist pandering. It's nothing of the sort. It's just a fact that suburban housewives are afraid of imaginary black criminals. We don't own the media, you know. We just use it to cater to unfounded fears. Besides, Republicans are very adept at dealing with black criminal stereotypes. It's one of our strong suits, and now it's being taken away."

Chris LaCivita, who helped organize the Swift Boat media blitz, was livid. "Here's a guy who's never been in the military, never been involved in a financial scandal, and never had an extra-marital affair. Any time we smear him as cowardly or lacivious, someone starts whining about racial stereotypes. At least we nailed John Edwards. That's something."

Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, who isn't a Republican, but wants to be, stated: "Every time I try to paint him as a Muslim, someone brings up the race issue. It's not a race issue, it's a religious issue. Do you really want a Muslim in the White House? Or even someone who has a Muslim middle name? Would you want Louis Farrakhan in the White House? Well, Obama knows him. What if he invited Louis Farrakhan to dinner at the White House? What about that?"

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Thousands of Republican voters across America breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday when the Obama campaign revealed that the Democratic presidential hopeful was a distant cousin of the 50s television icon Howdy Doody.

"For the first time, I feel comfortable voting for Obama," said Gerald Burgermeister, who was considering voting for John McCain. "Anyone related to old Howdy has to be alright. I knew he was related to Vice President Cheney, but that was just kind of creepy."

"Obama is much less threatening to me now," said noted Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly. "I have fond memories of Howdy, Flubadub, and Clarabelle. I cannot imagine a relative of Howdy ever mugging me in a dark alley or knocking off a convenience store."

The relationship between Obama and Howdy was brought to the attention of the Obama campaign by Calvin B. Flowers, a talented amateur genealogist from Paducah, Kentucky. "I noticed a resemblance between the two of them and started digging. Pretty soon, I came up with incontrovertible evidence from old copies of TV Guide and researching the web. Howdy Doody is Obama's second cousin twice removed on his mother's side."

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was unavailable for comment because everyone is tired of listening to him and he needs a break.

"Even though he is related to Howdy Doody, he still refused to visit wounded American troops while he was gadding about the Middle East and Europe acting presidential," said Frank Donatelli, the deputy chairman of the Republican National Committee. "If he had visited them, he would've been guilty of playing to the sympathies of the public by taking advantage of the wounded for purely political purposes. It is plain to anyone with the sense of a rutabaga that the man is just another politician."

Donatelli quickly quashed the rumor that John McCain is related to Mortimer Snerd. "No, he isn't related to Snerd," he explained. "I don't know how that got started. Besides, most voters don't have a clue who Howdy Doody is, let alone Mortimer Snerd. There would be no advantage to making that information public."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo by J. D. Truesilver

WASHINGTON - Boldly living up to his promise never to set a schedule for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq, President George Bush announced that he and Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki have agreed instead on a time horizon for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

"Horizons are not schedules or timetables," President Bush explained.."Horizons are something that the sun sets behind. Like the sun, American troops will gently, gradually sink into the horizon, or at least move to Afghanistan, which is over the horizon from Iraq, I think."

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, was moved to tears by the agreement. "It's so poetic I can't help but get a little misty when I think of it," he said. "I only wish General Douglas MacArthur could be here to see it. Old soldiers never die, they just gently vanish over the horizon like sand in the hourglass that is the days of our lives."

"I knew the surge would work, that's why I suggested it," mused Senator John McCain. "I really didn't think it would be reminiscent of the gentle surge of the Mediterranean lapping like a contented lover against a warm inviting beach. This is a proud moment for America."

Reverend Jesse Jackson, who lately has taken to crude speech, took umbrage with McCain's remarks. "Somebody tell that peckerwood that I got his surge and he can lap it till his tongue gets tired. That's right. Live with it."

Barack Obama quickly denounced Jackson's comments, calling them offensive. "John McCain is a legitimate American hero and I respect his service. I would no more call him a peckerwood than I would call him an ofay or a chuck," he said. "This campaign is going to be about issues, not epithets. Lay off the paddy. I mean it."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

WASHINGTON- Barack Obama supporters, Barack Obama, John McCain supporters, and John McCain took turns bemoaning the fact that the New Yorker plans a July 21st cover depicting the assumptive Democratic nominee and his wife as gun-toting Arab terrorists with an American flag burning in their fireplace.

"Americans are stupid enough to take the cover lampoon seriously," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton. "When you are dealing with bitter inbred rednecks who are into God and guns, you can never be too careful. You just never know when one will decide to kill an Arab for Jesus. At the very least, this cover puts every convenience store clerk in middle America in danger."

"This is over the top," agreed Tucker Bounds, spokesman for the McCain campaign. "Depicting Barack Hussein Obama as a potentially dangerous terrorist is absolutely disgusting. If they'd put him in a dress supporting gay marriage, maybe that would have been appropriate. I can see portraying him as light-loafered sissy boy, but there's no need to go as far as they've gone."

U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings was appalled. "Many states do not have the concept of irony in their curriculums until the senior year of high school," she said. "Most of them do not grasp the concept then. How can you expect someone who cannot find Iowa on a map to properly interpret a magazine cover showing such outrageous nincompoopery? The press needs to show some responsibility here."

"I fully support Barack Obama in his efforts to be President even though most of his supporters are exactly the type of pseudo-intellectual elitist puffballs who read the New Yorker," said Hillary Clinton. "Real Americans who see the cover on newsstands will either nod sagely as they pass by or ignore it completely.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

NEW YORK- In what many see as a valiant bi-partisan effort, Fox News commentator and noted author Bill O'Reilly announced that he was forming a non-profit corporation dedicated to saving Senator Barack Obama's testicles.

"I hate to see anyone lose their testicles, even menacing political figures who may well be Muslim terrorists and elitist pacifists who have no respect for hard-working Americans," said O'Reilly.

O'Reilly proposed funding the corporation through private donations on the internet.

"If it worked for Ron Paul, it should work for Obama's testicles," observed O'Reilly. "We can reach young people and those who have purchased penis enlargement pills-- market segments who fully understand the importance of protecting testicles. Many of them are liberals and should be receptive."

Mr. O'Reilly outlined the priorities for his new organization.

"The first thing we will do is put 24-hour surveillance on Reverend Jesse Jackson. I don't think he is making empty threats(see video below). I have always thought there was an undertow of violence in the man's character. We will also aid the Secret Service in their mission to protect what may become the first jewels by having an expert team of investigative journalist make daily reports as to the health of Obama's private parts. We also plan to purchase seven athletic supporters complete with cups for Obama to wear, one for each day of the week. Everyone, regardless of political affiliation, may contribute and join. People who donate over one hundred dollars will receive a handsome kangaroo scrotum bottle opener."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

WASHINGTON- Several out-of-town visitors to the Smithsonian Institution National Museum of Natural History were severely frightened when they saw what they believed to be a mummy come to life and shuffle toward them.

"I almost had a heart attack," said Lana Gladdis of Paducah, Kentucky. "When I saw that thing just get up and start walking with its arm in front of it like that. I thought it was going for my throat."

"It was really creepy," opined Roger Bisby of West Memphis, Arkansas. "It out-creeped Madame Tussaud's, and that's pretty damned creepy. I wondered what the hell it was doing with all those Secret Service types surrounding it."

Carl Taylor, Security Manager, quickly responded to the incident. "I heard all the screaming and grabbed a couple of guards. It was mayhem. I was afraid there was going to be a riot. Children were running for their parents. I was afraid someone would be trampled."

"It was all just a case of mistaken identity," explained Dr. Cristián Samper, a director at the museum. "Apparently Senator John McCain had visited us with no warning and fallen asleep on one of our benches. When he awoke from his nap, he was a little disoriented and stumbled toward a group of tourists. We apologize for any inconvenience."

"John McCain is a genuine American hero," said Senator Barack Obama. "I honor him for his service and sympathize with those he frightened. Now maybe people will understand why I don't want to hang around with him at town hall meetings or go to Iraq with him. The guy just creeps me out. I can't help it."

Speakers for the McCain campaign had no comment on the incident other than to accuse Senator Obama of age discrimination.

Ms. Gladdis was arrested for threatening a Presidential candidate with her purse. She is being held without bail at an undisclosed federal facility according to Ellsworth Mauger of the FBI.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo work by the inimitable J. D. Truesilver

In a not unexpected turn of events, Don Imus, the controversial shock jock, is no longer allowed to utter the word black.

"He needs to say nothing at all about blacks," said Dick Gregory. "I hereby forbid him from doing so."

"If I hear of him referring to blacks, I'll have him fired," agreed Al Sharpton. "If anyone wants to talk about blacks, they need to clear it through me."

"I'm never ever going to say anything about blacks as long as I live," said Hillary Clinton. "It's best to pretend that blacks don't exist. That way there won't be any trouble."

"I am deeply offended that Don Imus asked if I was black," sobbed Adam "Pacman" Jones, who has been arrested numerous times for being black. "The nerve of that guy. I am shattered."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama commented on the incident. "Bill Clinton was not the first black President. Hopefully, I will be the first black President. We need a President who can dance. Anyone who jokes about it will be dealt with harshly."

"I've been ignoring blacks for years," said President George W. Bush. "I will continue to ignore blacks. It's best."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

I love this video. Only problem is that they should include Obama in the mix. You take Sally, I'll take Sue. Ain't no difference between the two.

McCainanites, Bushskovites, and other assorted neocons are still happily hacking on Ron Paul.

Michael Goldfarb, Deputy Communications Director for the anointed Republican standard bearer John McCain writes:

"There should be plenty of room for the Paulnuts in Obama's big tent. If Rev. Wright isn't exactly a 9/11 Truther, at least he's breathed new life into the Pearl Harbor Truther movement. Imagine a newsletter coauthored by the Reverend and Lew Rockwell--now that's racial harmony."

Dave Nalle, part of a self-professed "sinister cabal of superior writers ," states:

"...McCain has never presented himself as 'pro-war' that's just their (Paultards, Paulnuts, insert your own pejorative) interpretation. The actual war in Iraq is over and McCain is not currently advocating any other new wars. That McCain supports keeping troops in Iraq until the country is past its current troubles is more of an anti-war position, since our presence there reduces the level of violence and the risk of Iranian invasion and a full-scale war."

Apparently the tired old neocons calling themselves the "New Right," through some arcane process of Orwellian double-think, actually believe that Paul supporters are as stupid as they take pains to portray them.

I have news. It's not that Paul supporters are idiots, the plain fact is that drivel like these two have written would reduce any normal thinking person to incoherent rage.

It is no wonder that such inane nattering produces comments like, "You suck."

Goldfarb trots out Reverend Wright like a circus trick dog and, for a change, decides to use his reprehensible guilt by association tactics on the Ron Paul camp. Why not? If it worked on Obama, it will work on Paul. No sense letting the truth stand in the way of a good smear.

Nalle, from his superior perch, actually has the gall to tell us the war in Iraq is over. Then, apparently just for fun, he goes on to explain how continuing the non-war is actually a peace position.

That sucks, alright.

I was talking to my son the other night. He told me that it was impossible to write political satire because the real political situation is more absurd than we can imagine.

We have a sitting President who manufactured reasons to go to war with a nation that presented no immediate threat to the US. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead.

The only constitutional conservative in the Presidential primaries was branded a nutjob and a kook because he didn't believe that debacle to be sound foreign policy.

When the GOP crashes and burns this November, bring a bag of marshmallows to roast.

It's going to be a hell of a show.

With apologies to Lewis Carrol.

One day, all important Democrats gathered in a special place to make a very important decision. Their two candidates were locked in a contest that could not be decided by the voters. So the very wisest of Democrats came from all over the nation to ponder the problem and offer the nomination to the candidate with the best qualities.

"The very best thing we can do," said Jimmy Carter, who was perhaps the wisest of them all, "is to conduct a Caucus-race."

"What is a Caucus-race?" said Hillary Clinton; not that she much wanted to know, but Al Gore had tilted his head and stroked his chin as if he thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

"Why," said Al Gore, "the best way to explain it is to do it." (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Democrats managed it.)

First they marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle ("the exact shape doesn’t matter," they said), and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there.

There was no "One, two, three, and away!" but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite exhausted, Nancy Pelosi suddenly called out "The race is over!" and they all crowded round her, panting, and asking, "But who has won?"

"We must ask Jimmy Carter," said Nancy.

This question Jimmy Carter could not answer without a great deal of thought, and he stood for a long time with one finger pressed upon his forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence.

At last Jimmy Carter said, "Everybody has won, and all must have prizes."

"But who is to give the prizes?" quite a chorus of voices asked.

"Why, she, of course," said Jimmy Carter, pointing to Hillary Clinton with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out, in a confused way, "Prizes! Prizes!"

Hillary had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out the votes from Michigan and Florida (luckily there were no hanging chads or Supreme Court decisions to hinder her), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one vote a-piece, all round.

"But she must have a prize herself, you know," said Edward Kennedy.

"Of course," Al Gore replied very gravely. "What else have you got in your pocket?" he went on, turning to Hillary.

"Only the Vice Presidency," said Hillary sadly.

"Hand it over here," said Nancy Pelosi.

Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Speaker of the House solemnly presented the Vice Presidency, saying:

"We beg your acceptance of this elegant office"; and, when she had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

Hillary thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the Vice Presidency, looking as solemn as she could.

The next thing was to share the votes with Barack Obama: this caused some noise and confusion, as the large players complained that they could not get enough prizes for their constituencies, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back.

"It really does get curiouser and curiouser, doesn't it?" said Hillary.

"You don't know the half." replied Barack Obama.

The premiere of a video that shows an extra-terrestrial peeking into a living room window in Colorado has presidential hopeful Barack Obama up in arms. The video has been authenticated by an instructor with thirty years of experience from the Colorado Film School in Denver.

"If you see a four foot tall space alien peeking through your window, by all means draw your curtains or lower your blinds," Obama advised."My experience on the streets of Chicago tells me that these little geeks can be dangerous. Space aliens do not speak for me or my campaign. I denounce them, but I will meet with them if necessary."

Likely Republican nominee John McCain was quick to respond. "Mr. Obama's response to the alien menace shows the depth of his immaturity and a singular lack of vision," said McCain. "My experience as a fighter pilot enables me to handle situations like this efficiently. If you see a UFO, gun it down. If you see an alien peeking through your window, get your 12-gauge and blast it back to perdition. We can only negotiate through strength. I will meet with space aliens only on my terms."

The Clinton camp took a more pragmatic view. "All votes should be counted," said former President Bill Clinton, speaking for his wife."If the alien was born in the US, it has the constitutional right to vote. We estimate that there are at least a million of these little peepers running around loose based on the frequency of reports. Hillary's views on space exploration are well known. Only a hare-brained fascist or a punk kid from Chicago would say aliens would not vote for Hillary.That puts us ahead in the popular vote and should secure the nomination. In fact, I have communicated telepathically with several aliens, and they all support Hillary."

Dark horse Republican candidate Ron Paul published a statement on his website. "I don't hold with aliens peeping through windows. If they want to fly around and watch people, they have every right to do so."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich shrugged and said I told you so.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Political junkies, pundits, and even a few feminist groups were buzzing today about a possible Obama-Edwards ticket. In the wake of Mr. Edwards' coming endorsement of Senator Obama's candidacy, the possibility for the cutest ticket in recent memory is too enticing for many to resist.

"There's just no doubt that John Edwards is the cutest little thing, and Obama isn't far behind," said Barbara Walters, who used to be a journalist. "John McCain looks like Popeye. No one is going to vote for him.."

"Oh shut up, Barbara." quipped Star Jones. "You wouldn't know cute if it slithered up your leg. Edward Brooke? Damn, girl."

Other pundits weighed in on the cute factor to fill air time.

"Edwards is just a little too cute, if you ask me," opined Ann Coulter, syndicated columnist and denizen of Fox News. "Curious George and the Carolina Fairy? That is too cute."

Lou Dobbs predicted a bright future for the Obama-Edwards ticket. "I was tremendously worried that Senator Obama would pick Bill Richardson for the ticket," he pontificated. "This ticket has legs. We won't have to worry about criminals swarming across our southern border carrying knives, selling drugs, and raping our women folk. It's time we stood up. Don't we deserve a government that works? Obama is not as cute as Jack Kennedy, possibly the cutest President ever, but Edwards is so much cuter than Lyndon Johnson that he balances the ticket in Obama's favor. The Republicans better pack their bags."

"Hillary's not getting out," said campaign manager Maggie Willians. "We are negotiating with both George Clooney and Brad Pitt right now. She's not just another pretty face, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Members of the scientific community, gays, straights, barflies, politicians, and a few stray passers-by were astounded today by the findings of two independent studies showing conclusively that homosexuality is caused by soy products and beer.

Jim Rutz (pun unintended), writing in WorldNetDaily, states:

Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Soy is feminizing (sic), and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Fibrocystic.com came in with even sadder news:

Zava, PhD showed that these herbs stimulated estrogen receptor positive breast cancer cells to grow. Red Clover and Yucca were found to be equal in potency to estradiol at the same concentrations. Women who harvest hops for beer begin menstruating 2 days later anecdotally. Zava has confirmed that beer has a significant amount of phytoestrogens that have moderate estrogen activity from hops used in the flavoring of beer.

Reactions to the news varied among pundits and politicians.

"Well, at least they can stop looking for the gay gene," said Ann Coulter. "I always figured it was lattes, myself."

"Beer makes you queer?" asked Geraldo Rivera. "You mean Joe Six-Pack is light in the loafers? That explains Hannity. Colmes is a wine sipper. Go figure."

"What the hell is anecdotal menstruation?" inquired Huma Abedin, aide to Hillary Clinton. "I've never heard of anyone menstruating anecdotally. Sounds interesting, though."

Barack Obama took a more serious view. "We need tolerance for the lactose intolerant," he said. "We need further research to find a solution and a substitute."

"If people want to drink soy milk and chase it with a beer or two, that's their business," said Ron Paul. "I can't see funding any studies whatsoever. What's so funny about that?"

"That explains the Craig incident," said President Bush. "If his mother had breast fed him, everything would've been hunky dory. If he had a beer or two in the airport lounge, there's no way he could've helped himself."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Reporters, pundits, bloggers, and other people of ill-repute scrambled madly today to find new ways to discredit Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

"The best we've been able to come up with so far is a headline stating that an attack on Reverend Wright is an attack on the black church," sighed an anonymous Associated Press reporter. "I know it's weak, but we're working on it."

"This is insane. We can't have an opinionated black man running around saying whatever is on his mind. This country is built upon saying whatever is expedient in order to get elected. This guy doesn't care if he's elected to anything. It's one of the most disgusting, self-serving displays of First Amendment abuse I've ever seen," said a well-known Fox News pundit who wished not to be identified.

"I know how to do it. I'm going to call him a narcissist and drone on endlessly about how he is hurting the Obama campaign." said Emily Wankette, girl reporter. "That ought to fix his wagon."

"I'm just going to keep on calling him a slime and trying to convince people that he is an unpatriotic, ranting wacko," said Robert Mauger, right wing blogger. "If those YouTube videos worked two weeks ago, they'll work now. It's not like anybody watches CNN or PBS anyway. This will all be over soon. We can keep up the good old guilt by association attack on Obama right up to November. I don't see what everybody has their panties in a wad about."

"I think he scares working class white people," said another unidentified pundit. "There is no reason to believe that simply because working class white people have been working next to working class black people for fifty years that they've actually said anything to each other or gotten to know each other. If we can't count on unreasoning fear from the white blue collar set, what can you count on?"

"The worst thing that can happen is people seeing the Reverend Wright as an intelligent, humorous, independent human being who thinks for himself," said a Clinton campaign worker. "We just can't let that happen."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Maggie Williams, David Plouffe, and Rick Davis, managers, respectively, of the Clinton, Obama, and McCain campaigns joined together today to announce that the American people want and deserve more of the same.

"Senator Clinton's More of the Same program is pretty much the same as the other candidates' MOTS programs, but different," said Ms. Williams. "If people want change, let them go out on street corners and beg for it. What they really want, and what they will get, will be more of the same."

"The demographics speak for themselves," said Rick Davies. "Here at McCain headquarters, we've pored over election results, taken surveys, analyzed polls, and consulted with experts. There is no doubt about it. The only sure way to win the hearts of the American voter is with a well-constructed MOTS program. We believe our MOTS program will promise people anything they want while firmly entrenching the status quo."

"The important difference in Obama's MOTS program is the hope ingredient," explained David Plouffe. "Take, for example, Hillary's health care plan. Hillary wants to end the health care problem by forcing people to buy medical insurance whether they want it or not. Obama's health care plan allows them to buy health insurance, but still allows them to opt out and hope they don't get sick or injured. Even Senator McCain allows people to hope that one day they will be able to afford medical insurance. Any way you slice it, the American voter will still receive more of the same, but in a different package. If you think about it, isn't that all they can reasonably expect?"

"Well said," replied Rick Davis. "The foreign policy section of our MOTS program also allows people to hope we somehow extricate ourselves from the quagmire we've gotten ourselves into in the Middle East. Senator McCain reasonably believes that if we stick around and kill a few more Iraqis, they will see the light. Senator Clinton proposes that we kill a few more Iraqis while we gradually withdraw and threaten Iran with annihilation. Senator Obama proposes that we kill as few Iraqis as humanely possible while withdrawing, and concentrate on killing people in Afghanistan. There is no essential difference in our MOTS programs, so the American voter can rest assured that we will remain in the Middle East quagmire for the foreseeable future."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

In a startling crescendo to an increasingly bitter campaign, Hillary Clinton physically attacked Barack Obama today, effectively ending what many believe will be their last televised debate. Offended by a remark from Mr. Obama concerning her recent misstatement about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, Senator Clinton left her lectern at Philadelphia's Freedom Hall and grabbed Senator Obama's ear.

"OK, Mr. Smarty Pants," said Hillary, "let's just march you outside for a time out."

"Ow," said Mr. Obama. "Let me go."

Ms. Clinton began to lead Mr. Obama by the ear toward an exit door when Secret Service Agents stepped in to stop the altercation.

"Get away from me, you idiots," demanded the former first lady. "I'm coming through."

The agents then stepped between the two and freed Mr. Obama's ear.

"This is the kind of politics I have been trying to avoid," said Obama.
"The ugly politics of divisiveness."

"Oh shut up, Mr. One Term Senator Who Thinks He Wants To Be President," said Ms. Clinton. "I'll let you know when you can talk."

James Carville, a political analyst for CNN who looks surprisingly like a gnome, quickly came to Ms. Clinton's defense. "Obama, you touch one hair on her head and this old corporal will climb on you like ten bad Mexicans," Mr. Carville threatened.

"Mexicans?" asked Governor Bill Richards of New Mexico, who had followed the two presidential candidates hoping to be of some help. "I'll show you a Mexican." He then thumped Mr. Carville a pretty good one in the vicinity of his right eye.

"It's on, Judas," said Carville, and began to flail wildly at the governor.

Secret Service Agents quickly stopped the second physical altercation of the evening, disappointing the wildly enthusiastic crowd.

Order was restored when Obama, Clinton, Carville, and Richards were whisked away in separate limousines.

CNN pundits were quick to fill the unexpected dead air time with expert commentary.

"I thought Senator Clinton might twist Senator Obama's ear right off his head," opined Lou Dobbs.

"Yes, she definitely had a pretty good grip on it," agreed Jack Cafferty. "James Carville gave a pretty good account of himself, too"

"Yes, the little guy was pretty courageous." said Dobbs. "Those Mexicans carry knives, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but reliable sources report he was pleased and highly amused.

Tom Anderson, President of MySpace.com, announced today that Barack Obama's account on the popular website had been hacked.

"It was two young ladies who were showing a prurient interest in Mr. Obama," said Anderson. "We caught them macking around in the user groups using Mr. Obama's ID to hit on several women and get into flame wars with other users. They have been banned forever from MySpace and notes were sent to their mothers."

In an email sent to drudgereport.com, an anonymous user who would only identify herself as 2HOT4U claimed responsibility for the incident.

"It was soooooo easy," wrote 2HOT4U. "All we did was type ohnonotwrightagain into his password thingy and zap we were in. He gets some really HOT emails. I can tell you that. I don't blame them either. Obama is cuter than a box of freckles. LOL."

Mr Obama's spokesman, Bill Burton, was not amused. "This is an outrageous breach of security. We demand a full investigation into who knows what, and who did they tell, and who told them to tell it," said Burton.

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was quick to accuse the Hillary Clinton campaign of misconduct in the matter. "That is exactly the kind of thing the Hillary camp would pull off," opined Ms. Coulter. "I know it wasn't me, though I must admit I'm jealous because I didn't think of it, so it it had to be Hillary. McCain wouldn't know a MySpace account from the proverbial hole in the ground. So I know it wasn't him."

Ms. Clinton's reply to the accusation came quickly: "Neither I nor any member of my staff would stoop to such low, underhanded tactics; however, I do have to admit that Obama really is cuter than a box of freckles. LOL."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Here is how it works. First the press, either from the right or left, pounces on a public figure because someone associated with him said something the press deems unacceptable. Then other public figures start demanding that the associate be renounced, or they will be forced to denounce the pounced upon public figure.

It is the pounce, renounce, denounce game.

The latest pounce is on Barack Obama. Obama's minister said,"God damn America." It does not matter in what context the preacher said it. Context is for rubes. There is no time to include context in a TV sound bite.

Obama talks to his public relations people. Obama quickly gets to renouncing.

Louis Farrakhan said some nice things about Obama. Why shouldn't he? Louis Farrakhan seems to be happy that a black man might become President. That deserves some serious renouncing.

I have not taken a survey, but I will bet the ranch that there are a lot of black people who are happy that a black man might become President. I bet that some of them have criminal records, too.

So, we can see that Barack Obama has the support of black people with criminal records. Better get to renouncing, Obama.

Pounce, renounce, denounce.

The press pounced on Hillary Clinton the other day because Geraldine Ferraro opined that Barack Obama's popularity among black voters was at least partially due to the fact that Obama was black. Hillary renounced Ferraro. Ferraro resigned.

It is not just a game for Democrats. A Protestant minister who supported John McCain actually said some bad things about Roman Catholics. Imagine that. A Protestant saying something disagreeable about Roman Catholics. The press pounced. McCain renounced.

A few months ago, the press pounced on Ron Paul because a self-proclaimed fascist donated a whopping $500.00 to the Paul campaign. Ron Paul refused to play the pounce, renounce, denounce game, so he got denounced.

The man just has no political acumen. A man who will not play the pounce, renounce, denounce game has no business being President.

Surprising everyone, Barack Obama announced today that he and political pundit Ann Coulter were forming a professional wrestling tag team.

The strains of Jimi Hendrix's version of "Wild Thing" blared through Madison Square Garden's sound system as strobe lights and flashbulbs from paparazzi illuminated the arena. Barack Obama and Ann Coulter emerged holding their hands aloft like winners. An ecstatic crowd of wildly cheering wrestling fans urged them on. Together, they strode to the squared circle. Obama politely lifted the middle rope to allow Ms. Coulter to enter the ring.

A microphone was lowered into Obama's hand. He gazed lovingly at the crowd and shouted,"OUR TIME HAS COME!"

The crowd responded with deafening applause.

"We challenge all comers. I will batter them with bombast. Ann will sear them with sarcasm. Together, we will kick their butts up one side of the political landscape and down the other!"

Ms. Coulter took the microphone. "Want to know how to talk to a liberal? I'll show you how to talk to a liberal. I'm going to rip John McCain's lungs out. I'm going to send Popeye crying back to Olive Oyl. When I get done with him, he'll think the Hanoi Hilton was a rest home."

The new tag team exited to tumultuous cheers.

Reaction by pundits across the country came swiftly.

"This certainly is a surprise," said Keith Olbermann, of MSNBC. "I never thought I would see the day Ann Coulter would rip a Republican like that. It is really fun to watch. She looked surprisingly hot in that leotard. Obama could stand to put on a little muscle."

Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted. "I'm flabbergasted," said O'Reilly. "I knew Ann's book sales were flagging a little, but even I wouldn't do a thing like that. Geraldo would, though. Besides, I don't think she could take John McCain. He's just meaner than hell. They don't call him Insane McCain for nothing."

Democratic political strategist Steve McMahon was more reflective. "This is a brilliant political move by Barack Obama. He will make serious inroads into Hillary Clinton's blue collar political base with this move. He couldn't have done much better winning the Daytona 500. Having Ann Coulter brand John McCain a liberal will help Obama and hurt McCain badly. 89% of American voters have no idea what a liberal is, but they are quite sure they don't want to be one or vote for one. I see clear sailing ahead for Mr. Obama."


The band played on.

After firing her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, and the resignation of Mike Henry, deputy campaign manager, Hillary Clinton has raised eyebrows by adding two new positions to her staff. John Klimkiewicz has been hired as a drama coach and William McGurn has been lured away from the Bush administration to fill the position of Director of Platitudes.

Clinton scored a surprise victory in the New Hampshire primary after shedding tears in a tender moment the day before the election. The addition of a drama coach had some pundits doubting her sincerity.

"She's worse than those 911 widows," opined Anne Coulter, rumored to be the daughter of Satan. "She thinks all she has to do is turn on the waterworks and the suckers will turn out in droves."

"I'd cry, too, if Obama was whuppin' me like that," said Mike Tyson, who was recently hired by Fox News to report exclusively on Britney Spears and lurid unsolved murder cases. "Yes I would."

Reaction to the Director of Platitudes position was generally more favorable.

"This is just the shot in the arm the Clinton campaign needs," said William Seidman, MSNBC commentator. "Hillary has fallen way behind Obama in the platitude department."

Hillary is said to be torn between two new platitudes: the futility of bombastic verbosity, and the evolution of change.

"If those don't work, I'll just think of some more," said William McGurn. "I got a million of 'em."