Rumors of a strange creature similar to Mothman and the Jersey Devil haunting the parks of Washington DC have circulated for years in the beltway. Most people dismissed them as fantasy and the raving of New Age airheads-- that is until the creature was captured last night by a heroic federal agent.

"I was walking by the Washington Monument for my evening stroll about nine when I heard a ghastly scream," said Special Agent Ellsworth Mauger. "I pulled my trusty .357 and hurried toward the sound. What I discovered will disturb my dreams for the rest of my life."

Official reports say that Ms. Anne Schwarzkopf, a tourist from Puffbluff, Kentucky was accosted by a long-haired, emaciated being who confronted her and screamed epithets.

"It was horrible," confided Ms. Schwarzkopf. "It was undoubtedly the most sarcastic thing I've ever seen or heard. First it called me a fascist lackey. Then it said I was a Godless slut who had serial abortions because I couldn't keep my legs together. Then it began to dance about like a demented gnome and demand that I write in Hillary Clinton for President or it would climb on me like ten bad Mexicans. If Mr. Mauger hadn't come along, I'm sure it would've done something too unspeakable to contemplate."

Agent Mauger resolved the situation by whacking the creature on the head with his pistol, knocking it unconscious. He called the local police who dispatched a cruiser and an ambulance. The creature was taken to Howard University Hospital for emergency treatment.

Specialists performed DNA testing to determine the species of the strangely man-like monster. Shockingly, the creature proved to be the love child of Ann Coulter and James Carville.

"We were amazed," said Dr. John Distazo, Emergency DNA Analyst. "The thing had a vaguely familiar look. We investigated and found that apparently both Mr. Carville and Ms. Coulter had a little too much to drink at a cocktail party 17 years ago. One thing led to another and the Park Monster was the inevitable result. Ms. Coulter has always been a staunch opponent of abortion, so she had the child and dropped it into a dumpster. Somehow, it survived."

"This is the first I've heard about it," retorted Mr. Carville when questioned about the incident. "I was drunk. Don't tell me you wouldn't do it if you had the chance."

Ms. Coulter has generously donated the child to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History for further study.

"If we can all learn something from this, it will have been worth it," she said.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Members of the scientific community, gays, straights, barflies, politicians, and a few stray passers-by were astounded today by the findings of two independent studies showing conclusively that homosexuality is caused by soy products and beer.

Jim Rutz (pun unintended), writing in WorldNetDaily, states:

Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Soy is feminizing (sic), and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Fibrocystic.com came in with even sadder news:

Zava, PhD showed that these herbs stimulated estrogen receptor positive breast cancer cells to grow. Red Clover and Yucca were found to be equal in potency to estradiol at the same concentrations. Women who harvest hops for beer begin menstruating 2 days later anecdotally. Zava has confirmed that beer has a significant amount of phytoestrogens that have moderate estrogen activity from hops used in the flavoring of beer.

Reactions to the news varied among pundits and politicians.

"Well, at least they can stop looking for the gay gene," said Ann Coulter. "I always figured it was lattes, myself."

"Beer makes you queer?" asked Geraldo Rivera. "You mean Joe Six-Pack is light in the loafers? That explains Hannity. Colmes is a wine sipper. Go figure."

"What the hell is anecdotal menstruation?" inquired Huma Abedin, aide to Hillary Clinton. "I've never heard of anyone menstruating anecdotally. Sounds interesting, though."

Barack Obama took a more serious view. "We need tolerance for the lactose intolerant," he said. "We need further research to find a solution and a substitute."

"If people want to drink soy milk and chase it with a beer or two, that's their business," said Ron Paul. "I can't see funding any studies whatsoever. What's so funny about that?"

"That explains the Craig incident," said President Bush. "If his mother had breast fed him, everything would've been hunky dory. If he had a beer or two in the airport lounge, there's no way he could've helped himself."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Rumors flew today in the beltway that Hillary Clinton aides Huma Abedin and Neera Tanden had bundled former President Bill Clinton into an unmarked vehicle and spirited him away, possibly to prevent him from talking about his wife in public and doing further damage to her campaign.

The first word came from John Caudill, of Valparaiso, Indiana, who says he saw two women throw a blanket over Bill Clinton and throw him in the back of a black limousine.

"I was just walking down the street headed to the Waffle House to get that special they've been advertising on TV, when all of a sudden, Bill Clinton started racing me to the door," said Caudill. "I knew it was him because no one else has a nose like that. Then a black limo pulled up beside him and two women jumped out, threw a blanket over him, and chucked him into the back of the limo. I recognized Huma Abedin because she is such a hottie. The first thing I did was call the Washington Post with the scoop hoping they'd throw me a few bucks. All I got was a cheap thank you and a we'll look into it."

Gunnersykes.com contacted the Washington Post to verify the story, but the reporter was put on interminable hold until the line disconnected.

Other Washington news sources, having little else to do, were quick to comment on the rumor.

"Now that is what I call decisive action," said James Carville, analyst for CNN. "It's about time she shut that boy up. I don't know what's happened to him, but he's running around shooting off his mouth like it was a howitzer or something."

"This will do serious damage to the image of an ex-president," said Ann Coulter. "I'm delighted. Do you know if they hit him with a sap? Oh, I do hope they hit him with a sap. That would be perfect."

Barack Obama was more philosophical. "I often wonder just exactly who wears the pants in that family. Now I know," he said. "I will hate to see Bill leave the campaign. I was just starting to like him. If my telephone rings at 3:00 am, I know who it will be. He can expect my full aid and assistance."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Tom Anderson, President of MySpace.com, announced today that Barack Obama's account on the popular website had been hacked.

"It was two young ladies who were showing a prurient interest in Mr. Obama," said Anderson. "We caught them macking around in the user groups using Mr. Obama's ID to hit on several women and get into flame wars with other users. They have been banned forever from MySpace and notes were sent to their mothers."

In an email sent to drudgereport.com, an anonymous user who would only identify herself as 2HOT4U claimed responsibility for the incident.

"It was soooooo easy," wrote 2HOT4U. "All we did was type ohnonotwrightagain into his password thingy and zap we were in. He gets some really HOT emails. I can tell you that. I don't blame them either. Obama is cuter than a box of freckles. LOL."

Mr Obama's spokesman, Bill Burton, was not amused. "This is an outrageous breach of security. We demand a full investigation into who knows what, and who did they tell, and who told them to tell it," said Burton.

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was quick to accuse the Hillary Clinton campaign of misconduct in the matter. "That is exactly the kind of thing the Hillary camp would pull off," opined Ms. Coulter. "I know it wasn't me, though I must admit I'm jealous because I didn't think of it, so it it had to be Hillary. McCain wouldn't know a MySpace account from the proverbial hole in the ground. So I know it wasn't him."

Ms. Clinton's reply to the accusation came quickly: "Neither I nor any member of my staff would stoop to such low, underhanded tactics; however, I do have to admit that Obama really is cuter than a box of freckles. LOL."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Surprising everyone, Barack Obama announced today that he and political pundit Ann Coulter were forming a professional wrestling tag team.

The strains of Jimi Hendrix's version of "Wild Thing" blared through Madison Square Garden's sound system as strobe lights and flashbulbs from paparazzi illuminated the arena. Barack Obama and Ann Coulter emerged holding their hands aloft like winners. An ecstatic crowd of wildly cheering wrestling fans urged them on. Together, they strode to the squared circle. Obama politely lifted the middle rope to allow Ms. Coulter to enter the ring.

A microphone was lowered into Obama's hand. He gazed lovingly at the crowd and shouted,"OUR TIME HAS COME!"

The crowd responded with deafening applause.

"We challenge all comers. I will batter them with bombast. Ann will sear them with sarcasm. Together, we will kick their butts up one side of the political landscape and down the other!"

Ms. Coulter took the microphone. "Want to know how to talk to a liberal? I'll show you how to talk to a liberal. I'm going to rip John McCain's lungs out. I'm going to send Popeye crying back to Olive Oyl. When I get done with him, he'll think the Hanoi Hilton was a rest home."

The new tag team exited to tumultuous cheers.

Reaction by pundits across the country came swiftly.

"This certainly is a surprise," said Keith Olbermann, of MSNBC. "I never thought I would see the day Ann Coulter would rip a Republican like that. It is really fun to watch. She looked surprisingly hot in that leotard. Obama could stand to put on a little muscle."

Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted. "I'm flabbergasted," said O'Reilly. "I knew Ann's book sales were flagging a little, but even I wouldn't do a thing like that. Geraldo would, though. Besides, I don't think she could take John McCain. He's just meaner than hell. They don't call him Insane McCain for nothing."

Democratic political strategist Steve McMahon was more reflective. "This is a brilliant political move by Barack Obama. He will make serious inroads into Hillary Clinton's blue collar political base with this move. He couldn't have done much better winning the Daytona 500. Having Ann Coulter brand John McCain a liberal will help Obama and hurt McCain badly. 89% of American voters have no idea what a liberal is, but they are quite sure they don't want to be one or vote for one. I see clear sailing ahead for Mr. Obama."


The band played on.

After firing her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, and the resignation of Mike Henry, deputy campaign manager, Hillary Clinton has raised eyebrows by adding two new positions to her staff. John Klimkiewicz has been hired as a drama coach and William McGurn has been lured away from the Bush administration to fill the position of Director of Platitudes.

Clinton scored a surprise victory in the New Hampshire primary after shedding tears in a tender moment the day before the election. The addition of a drama coach had some pundits doubting her sincerity.

"She's worse than those 911 widows," opined Anne Coulter, rumored to be the daughter of Satan. "She thinks all she has to do is turn on the waterworks and the suckers will turn out in droves."

"I'd cry, too, if Obama was whuppin' me like that," said Mike Tyson, who was recently hired by Fox News to report exclusively on Britney Spears and lurid unsolved murder cases. "Yes I would."

Reaction to the Director of Platitudes position was generally more favorable.

"This is just the shot in the arm the Clinton campaign needs," said William Seidman, MSNBC commentator. "Hillary has fallen way behind Obama in the platitude department."

Hillary is said to be torn between two new platitudes: the futility of bombastic verbosity, and the evolution of change.

"If those don't work, I'll just think of some more," said William McGurn. "I got a million of 'em."

A daring move by Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani had political pundits abuzz today. The former New York City Mayor is reported by reliable sources in the Beltway as having failed to mention 911 for nearly three quarters of an hour.

"If it's true," opined Clive Crook of the Financial Times. "his campaign is headed in an entirely different direction. While we certainly can't expect him to say anything substantive, we may see him spending more time threatening the lives of any Arab heads of state whose name he is capable of pronouncing, or snickering at that moonbat, Ron Paul."

Rush Limbaugh gushed, "Rudy is showing remarkable confidence. The further his campaign progresses, the more aptitude he shows. The way he stonewalled the Bernard B. Kerik episode was masterful. He showed remarkable integrity. A politician who is bought should have the high-mindedness and moral rectitude to stay bought. He's been very impressive so far."

"Rudy Giuliani's attention span is no longer than his penis." said Ann Coulter. "That a man with that kind of handicap can seriously contend for the Presidency of the United States should tell every American school child that anyone can be President. I believe he is the best hope the Republicans have against Hillary. You have to admit that he does look much better in a dress."

TheSpoof.com contacted Mike DuHaime, Giuliani's campaign manager. When asked the reason for Giuliani's brilliant new strategy of soft-pedaling his involvement with 911, he replied: "I'm pretty sure he just forgot. He does that a lot."

700 Club host Pat Robertson was unavailable for comment.