Gunner Sykes

Disney Announces Muppet Porn App for iPhone

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 21:25:00 +0000

Celebrity spokesperson Britney Spears announced Monday that the Walt Disney Company and Apple have cooperated in a joint venture to bring soft pornography featuring the Muppets to Apple's hot new line of iPhone apps.

"The success of our Hannah Montana franchise and the buzz generated by our new line of tween panties pretty much assures the success of the venture," said Ms. Spears, reading haltingly from a teleprompter. "The iPhone is the perfect conduit for Muppet porn. The synergistic relationship between the two brands will bring a new generation of users into the Apple fold."

Titles for the new line include Let's Get Piggy With It, Big Bird Lays an Egg, It's Not Easy Being Tween, Hannah Montana Meets Oscar's Big Banana, Bert and Ernie at the Y, and Dickle Me, Elmo. The products are in the development stage and will be ready for the Christmas season.

"It's, like..., the new thing." said Ms. Spears. "It's really hi-tech and user friendly and like all that. All you have to do is point and click. I didn't have a bit of trouble using it. The programs will cost $399 to keep, like..., poor people from using them."

Pat Robertson, speaking for the Christian Coalition of America, was noticeably upset by the announcement. "This is yet another symptom of moral decay in our society," he said. "I strongly urge all decent people to boycott these two companies and alert any media advertising the products that such depravity will not be condoned."

"Oh what does he know?" asked Ms. Spears. "What a hypocrite. Anybody who burns witches has, like..., no room to talk."

Colonel Tom Parker was unavailable for comment because he is dead.

Six Bands From the Sixties That Should Be Forgotten

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 06:22:00 +0000

Driving through the middle of the country alone can get boring and lonesome. Radio stations become few and far between, most of them exhorting you to get right with Jesus or bemoaning liberalism.

Then, like finding a silver dollar while walking on the side of the road, an unexpected gem comes across the airwaves. Janis singing Down On Me. The Stones pouring out the guitar bends of Honky Tonk Woman.

What luck.

It doesn't last. It's not a classic rock station -- it is the dreaded oldies station. The same musical era that gave us Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Cream, and Wilson Pickett also gave us Freddy and the Dreamers, Gary Lewis and the Playboys, the Turtles, and that most nauseating of musical genres -- bubblegum. The music doesn't have to be good, it just has to be old.

Some old bones need to be left at rest.

Jerry Garcia said if you can remember the 60's, you weren't really there. These six bands deserve to be forgotten.

Gary Lewis and the Playboys

The only rock and roll band with an accordion, Gary Lewis and the Playboys had a string of hits extolling teen angst, love, and heartbreak. Gary Lewis was Jerry Lewis' son -- yes, one of Jerry's kids. He had an amazing ability to sing about a third off pitch reminding one of a recalcitrant brat begging for a happy meal. Here he is singing the second wimpiest song in the history of rock and roll. Bobby Vee's Take Good Care of My Baby is, as you know, the all-time champion.

The 1910 Fruitgum Company

The most virulent disease ever to infect American music was a hideously sweet concoction perpetrated on the public called bubblegum. The perps in this case are called the 1910 Fruitgum Company. They have a website. Go there. Extract revenge. Make them pay. Hurry. They may die soon.

The Ohio Express

What can be worse than the 1910 Fruitgum Company? The Ohio Express, that's what. It is rumored that the two were actually the same band. It is also rumored that Joe Walsh played with them. Sad, isn't it?

Here they are singing Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy.

Yes, it is gayer than a Maypole dance in Neverland.

The Turtles

Max Shulman, in one of his Dobie Gillis stories, wrote these immortal lines:

I gotta gal and her name is Esme
and I will love her if she lets me.

Max Shulman gave us Maynard G. Krebs and is to be revered.

The Turtles' Happy Together has a similar sentiment, only different.

They'll be happy together if her mother lets them.

The Turtles were sort of like the Beatles, only different.

Very different.

Some promoter had a brilliant idea to make a quick buck.

The Turtles were the result.

Go ahead. Click on the video. See where it gets you.

The Lemon Pipers

It's psychedelic, man. The Lemon Pipers put the deli in psychedelic. Gray old men with blank looks in their eyes stumble aimlessly on mean city streets. They saw the video below under the influence of d-lysergic when they were young and knew no better.

Be careful with this one.

The robot is especially disturbing.

Freddy and the Dreamers with Frankie Avalon

After the success of the Beatles, managers, record promoters, concert promoters, and other scum infested the streets of Liverpool searching for anything that looked remotely like John, George, Paul, or Ringo.

They found Freddy and the Dreamers. Hebephrenia can be fun and Freddy explored the throes of ecstasy. Frankie Avalon wanted to be cool, too.

Here they are together at last.

Frankie Avalon Homeopathic Zero-Pain 3-pack with Rescue Cream

Immediately after a Stones concert at Soldier's Field in Chicago, a long line formed in front of the urinals in the men's room. A lot of beer was sold at that concert.

An impatient man at the back of the line muttered, "I wish they'd hurry up."

"Not a chance," replied the man next to him. "Lot of prostate problems in this crowd."

It is not known if Frankie Avalon has prostate problems, but he does sell a Homeopathic Zero-Pain 3-Pack complete with Rescue Cream.

That's something.

Microsoft Funds 100 Million Dollar Writing Project

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:12:00 +0000

A spokesperson for up and coming search engine optimization company XLGMNT announced Tuesday that the hot new NASDAQ climber had received a 100 million dollar cash infusion to finish its highly touted article generation software.

"WriteSmart is the end result of thousands of man hours from our balanced dynamic focus group, a multi-tiered discrete alliance of IT professionals utilizing face-to-face regional workforce flexibility to revolutionize optional encompassing software to generate keyword-rich articles to optimize search engine ranking for companies selling penis enlargement pills," said Lisa Lane, Vice President of Function-based Uniform Contingency.

Thought by many to be vaporware, WriteSmart was announced three years ago with the promise that no one would ever have to write copy of any kind on the internet. Bloggers, copywriters, spammers, message board posters, and users of instant messaging programs would simply type in a couple of relevant keywords and the WriteSmart program would do the rest. Stymied by the sheer scope of the project, the XLGMNT development team compromised by limiting the product to writing spam about penis enlargement.

"We were looking for an extended upward-trending product and penis enlargement fit the bill," explained Ms. Lane. "Our standalone executive system engine coupled with our reactive solution-oriented core allows us to expect phased transitional customer loyalty within a synchronized attitude-oriented frame. This is a profit-focused responsive project but we reserve the right to realign incremental pricing structure. We may give it away for free and charge them up the hoohoo for support provided we can make the documentation incomprehensible enough."

Reaction to the announcement among internet users was mixed.

"It sucks," said Gerald Burgermeister, who is in his eighth year of study at Paducah Junior College. "I was planning on using it to pass my composition class, but I already have a large penis."

"I really don't see how this product is going to fit into the social networking paradigm," complained Jess Willard, editor of the popular How to Make Friends on Facebook blog. "Maybe if you wrote a headline that said vote up if you have a huge penis. That might work."

"Penis enlargement has long been the mainstay of internet marketing," said Janik Sliver, internet marketing guru. "If you can train the software to generate thousands of autoresponders, some schmuck might hit on it. It's all about the headline, anyway. Nobody actually reads that crap. I wonder if they want to JV."

"WriteSmart will have the synergized systematic ability to compensate for standalone client driven complexity using decentralized 5th generation throughput drawing from a centralized bottom-line data-warehouse in tandem with an optimized regional knowledge base to make XLGMNT your automated responsive business partner," Ms. Lane concluded. "If even one person opens an email and purchases a product that will eventually give him a wanger that would make a Holstein cow blush like a virgin on prom night, it will all have been worth it."

Bill Gates was unavailable for comment.

Corporate buzzwords cheerfully stolen from way2web.net.

Anyone who wants to sue knows what they can do with a rolling donut.

Obama Plays the Race Card

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 03:31:00 +0000

Several prominent Republicans are incensed at Senator Barack Obama for his use of race as an issue during the 2008 campaign.

"Don't tell me he isn't making race an issue," said President George W. Bush. "Every time he does a television commercial or makes a speech, there it is -- a black man running for President."

"If Obama isn't making race an issue, then why is he black?" asked Rush Limbaugh, noted radio commentator and white person.

"The emergence of a black man as a Presidential contender changes the entire campaign," complained Republican strategist Kate Obenshain. "If we trot out images of menacing black criminals to scare the hell out of suburban housewives, the Democrats will accuse us of racist pandering. It's nothing of the sort. It's just a fact that suburban housewives are afraid of imaginary black criminals. We don't own the media, you know. We just use it to cater to unfounded fears. Besides, Republicans are very adept at dealing with black criminal stereotypes. It's one of our strong suits, and now it's being taken away."

Chris LaCivita, who helped organize the Swift Boat media blitz, was livid. "Here's a guy who's never been in the military, never been involved in a financial scandal, and never had an extra-marital affair. Any time we smear him as cowardly or lacivious, someone starts whining about racial stereotypes. At least we nailed John Edwards. That's something."

Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, who isn't a Republican, but wants to be, stated: "Every time I try to paint him as a Muslim, someone brings up the race issue. It's not a race issue, it's a religious issue. Do you really want a Muslim in the White House? Or even someone who has a Muslim middle name? Would you want Louis Farrakhan in the White House? Well, Obama knows him. What if he invited Louis Farrakhan to dinner at the White House? What about that?"

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Obama Campaign Claims Cousin Howdy Doody

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:12:00 +0000

Thousands of Republican voters across America breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday when the Obama campaign revealed that the Democratic presidential hopeful was a distant cousin of the 50s television icon Howdy Doody.

"For the first time, I feel comfortable voting for Obama," said Gerald Burgermeister, who was considering voting for John McCain. "Anyone related to old Howdy has to be alright. I knew he was related to Vice President Cheney, but that was just kind of creepy."

"Obama is much less threatening to me now," said noted Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly. "I have fond memories of Howdy, Flubadub, and Clarabelle. I cannot imagine a relative of Howdy ever mugging me in a dark alley or knocking off a convenience store."

The relationship between Obama and Howdy was brought to the attention of the Obama campaign by Calvin B. Flowers, a talented amateur genealogist from Paducah, Kentucky. "I noticed a resemblance between the two of them and started digging. Pretty soon, I came up with incontrovertible evidence from old copies of TV Guide and researching the web. Howdy Doody is Obama's second cousin twice removed on his mother's side."

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was unavailable for comment because everyone is tired of listening to him and he needs a break.

"Even though he is related to Howdy Doody, he still refused to visit wounded American troops while he was gadding about the Middle East and Europe acting presidential," said Frank Donatelli, the deputy chairman of the Republican National Committee. "If he had visited them, he would've been guilty of playing to the sympathies of the public by taking advantage of the wounded for purely political purposes. It is plain to anyone with the sense of a rutabaga that the man is just another politician."

Donatelli quickly quashed the rumor that John McCain is related to Mortimer Snerd. "No, he isn't related to Snerd," he explained. "I don't know how that got started. Besides, most voters don't have a clue who Howdy Doody is, let alone Mortimer Snerd. There would be no advantage to making that information public."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo by J. D. Truesilver

Hi-Tech, Sex, and X-Ray Specs

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 18:41:00 +0000

Some of you will notice that the title of this piece has an internal rhyme scheme. The Google search bot will not. The Google search bot, if it deigns to notice, will sift through the text, giving emphasis to the title, and merrily send people who search for sex (the undisputed champion of search terms on the net), hi-tech, and x-ray specs.

This piece will see nary a peek from people who are looking for sex on the net because there are literally millions of sites out there cajoling the bot into ranking their sites on the coveted first page of Google's search findings for the term sex. There is a remote chance that someone willing to thumb electronically through a few hundred thousand listings for sex might light on the page, see that it is not really about sex, and get off it quicker than Cool Papa Bell could get into bed.

Bots are literal-minded things.

Hi-tech is a nebulous adjective that means pertaining to anything that uses sophisticated technology. It is possible, but not likely, that a few people looking for the latest whiz-bang gadget will peruse this article, notice that it has nothing to do with iPods, Blackberries, or UFOs, and be disappointed.

Why?

Because the Google search bot is inextricably married to HTML. HTML is a markup language designed originally for academic presentations. At its core is the good old-fashioned roman numeral outline that English teachers gleefully have tortured students with since the beginning of time. First your headline, then your main point, then your secondary point, ad nauseum. The HTML equivalent is h1, h2, h3. Bots, being quantitative creatures, determine how relevant your article is to a certain keyword by how frequently the word appears in the article.

Google is a little more sophisticated than that in their search algorithm, but not much more. If they see too many, and only they can determine how many is too many, occurrences of a word in a given electronic space, the bot will discount it because the humans at Google think that someone is trying to manipulate their search results.

Google does not want anyone manipulating their search results without paying for the privilege, thank you very much. If you want natural rankings you had better just follow the outline, Buster, else you can pay Google big bucks to get your site noticed. If your site does not make big bucks, it can still get noticed by being an educational site, or being what they deem an influential site, which is, of course, a site with links from educational sites.

Google sows nothing, yet reaps the lion's share of benefits on the internet. Google shows promise, but delivers illusion like --well, x-ray specs.

X-ray specs were sold in the ads section of comic books in the days when comics mainly were read by adolescent boys. The ad plainly stated the specs produced an optical illusion, then asked if that really was your friend's body you see under his clothes. If the longevity of the ad is any indicator, they sold tons of them. Kids did not buy those comics because they were looking for x-ray specs, they bought them because they were hooked on the exploits of Ironman, Batman, or Superman.

If Superman was an internet creation, the character would be offered for free because no one would pay to see a new character. Having already paid the ISP once for access, why should they? Unless Superman's creators paid Google, or one of its imitators, money to get the site noticed, it would languish and die. The genius marketers who sold x-ray specs would not pay the owner to have their ad on the Superman pages, they would pay Google. Google, in turn, would pay the Superman owner a pittance for delivering a possible customer to the specs site.

Of course, the ad would mainly appear on sites pertaining to x-rays, technical specs, or technical specs on x-rays. It might pop up on the Superman site if the Man of Steel used his x-ray vision. Not many x-ray specs would get sold.

The manufacturers of x-ray specs would be much better off with their own site selling their product directly to adolescents using phrases from the ad. Is that his body you "see" under his clothes? Look right through the flesh and see the bones underneath.

Superman? Forget Superman. Superman has been borged; he is irrelevant.

Once the internet held the promise of being a blank canvas, an invitation to creativity, a chance for global communication and expression.

Instead, we have a motley collection of pornography, sales pitches, and how-to articles.

Five Reasons to Legalize Murder

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:08:00 +0000

The prohibition of murder is based on primitive, outmoded religious thought and is unconstitutional because it ignores the separation of church and state guaranteed by the First Amendment. It is part of the Ten Commandments, a religious text that also forbids sex outside of marriage, condones slavery, and demands the worship of the God of Judaeo-Christian tradition. Superstition has no place in our government.

Squeamish people will object to the legalization of murder based on moral grounds or airy notions about the good of society not realizing that murder is already legal when it is done by the government. They ignore the glee shown by the public when a convict is strapped down and killed by the state. Who has not felt a twinge of righteous satisfaction when a baby raper or cop killer is snuffed? People who think clearly know that a murderer who is murdered will never murder again.

The murder of unsavory individuals, satisfying as it may be, pales in comparison to the wholesale murder of innocents via weapons of mass destruction. The American public was thrilled, and yes, shocked and awed, by the recent television extravaganza showing the bombing of Baghdad. The flames, explosions, and mayhem made for fascinating entertainment. There are few things more gratifying than using weapons of mass destruction to pave the way for the search for weapons of mass destruction.

Here, then, are five reasons to extend the right to murder to individuals:

Legalized Murder Will Create Job Openings

No one has been able to come up with a satisfactory solution to the problems created by the Peter Principle, the idea that people are promoted to their level of incompetence. Upper management would be able to eliminate incompetent middle managers with a little arsenic placed in the water cooler. Middle managers would be able to garrote upper level managers and take their jobs without going through the humiliating ritual of job performance evaluation. Workers would feel free to throw their bosses into machinery fostering harmonious relationships between labor and management.

The net result would be thousands of job openings every day, in every enterprise in America. Unemployment would be a thing of the past.

Legalized Murder Will Extend Abortion Rights

The inherent inequality of only women having the right to abortion would be rectified by the legalization of murder. Men would be able to eliminate unwanted or inconvenient offspring whenever they chose. Squalling brats in movie theaters, sullen Goths, adolescents whining for iPods, and ungrateful little nits in general would cease to be a drain on society.

The right would extend to teachers acting in loco parentis. Student complaints about grades would cease. Anyone using the phrase,"I dare say" to begin a sentence could be summarily sent into Shakespeare's undiscovered country thereby freeing up millions of dollars worth of bandwidth on the internet.

Legalized Murder is Good Science

Evolution, as we intelligent people know, is a change in the frequency of alleles within a given population. Legalized murder would allow we intelligent people to eliminate the alleles of wrestling fans, watchers of Oprah and the View, Libertarians, and liberal arts majors from the gene pool. The elimination of these undesirables, along with the murder of snotty children, would assure the survival of humankind.

Unfortunately, our society currently caters to the weak, the afflicted, the ignorant, the useless, and people who refuse to use their turn signals. A paradigm shift in values is the only thing that will assure a workable future.

The Sanctity of Life is a Myth

For years, we have been brainwashed by the purveyors of religion into believing that life is sacred. Remember, these are the same people who started the Crusades, tortured people during the Inquisition, and stole Easter from the Pagans. Any thinking person will give short shrift to such ignorance.

One steps on life every day while walking to one's BMW. All living things are equal. Our lives are no more important than the lives of the animals and plants we eat. Does anyone mourn the death of pigs?

Murder Makes Us Human

Who has not been thrilled by the cinematic exploits of Hannibal Lecter,
Norman Bates, and Freddy Kreuger? Who is not fascinated by Charles Manson, Richard Speck, or Jack the Ripper?

Murder makes us human. Humans have been murdering each other since at least the beginning of civilization. Fortunes have changed hands, dynasties have started and ended, nations have been forged -- all through the creative use of murder.

Summary

Only painfully ignorant reactionaries will object to the legalization of murder. When one realizes that morals are situational and religion merely a mind control mechanism, the benefits of legalized murder are obvious. Moron.

photo by Banksy

Five (Count 'em) Cute Pictures of Cats

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:21:00 +0000

I was talking to Ellsworth Mauger the other day. If you want to know anything, just ask Ellsworth.

"Ellsworth," I said, "I'm stumped. I need to get readers to my blog, or else I fear that I may be forced into honest work."

"Have you written anything called top ten ways to make love to a MILF?" he asked.

"Nope," I said.

"Why not? List articles are red hot. MILFs are red hot. You need to tap into the market, man. How about eight sites that are guaranteed to make you puke, or seven celebrities who have yeast infections?"

"I dunno, Ellsworth," I replied. "It all seems sort of sleazy and semi-pornographic."

"I forgot you were such a Puritan," said Ellsworth. "Cats. You need to post cute pictures of cats."

"Cats?"

"That's right, cats."

"Alright," I said.

Note: Gunnersykes.com hit a new milestone this week when it was threatened with its first lawsuit. We are so proud. It's about time. In order to avoid confusion, and to offer our readers the opportunity to look at, and even download, more cute pictures of cats. Here are links to the darling pictures of the cuddly felines used in this post. Enjoy.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Cat_claws.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Ikarus.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Cat_Eyes.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Cat03.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Abessinierkater1.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:RussianBlueCat.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Mainecoon1.png

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Ragdoll%2C_blue_mitted.JPG

Bush Envisions Time Horizon in Iraq

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 04:16:00 +0000

WASHINGTON - Boldly living up to his promise never to set a schedule for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq, President George Bush announced that he and Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki have agreed instead on a time horizon for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

"Horizons are not schedules or timetables," President Bush explained.."Horizons are something that the sun sets behind. Like the sun, American troops will gently, gradually sink into the horizon, or at least move to Afghanistan, which is over the horizon from Iraq, I think."

General David Petraeus, the top US commander in Iraq, was moved to tears by the agreement. "It's so poetic I can't help but get a little misty when I think of it," he said. "I only wish General Douglas MacArthur could be here to see it. Old soldiers never die, they just gently vanish over the horizon like sand in the hourglass that is the days of our lives."

"I knew the surge would work, that's why I suggested it," mused Senator John McCain. "I really didn't think it would be reminiscent of the gentle surge of the Mediterranean lapping like a contented lover against a warm inviting beach. This is a proud moment for America."

Reverend Jesse Jackson, who lately has taken to crude speech, took umbrage with McCain's remarks. "Somebody tell that peckerwood that I got his surge and he can lap it till his tongue gets tired. That's right. Live with it."

Barack Obama quickly denounced Jackson's comments, calling them offensive. "John McCain is a legitimate American hero and I respect his service. I would no more call him a peckerwood than I would call him an ofay or a chuck," he said. "This campaign is going to be about issues, not epithets. Lay off the paddy. I mean it."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Obama, McCain React to New Yorker Cover

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:11:00 +0000

WASHINGTON- Barack Obama supporters, Barack Obama, John McCain supporters, and John McCain took turns bemoaning the fact that the New Yorker plans a July 21st cover depicting the assumptive Democratic nominee and his wife as gun-toting Arab terrorists with an American flag burning in their fireplace.

"Americans are stupid enough to take the cover lampoon seriously," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton. "When you are dealing with bitter inbred rednecks who are into God and guns, you can never be too careful. You just never know when one will decide to kill an Arab for Jesus. At the very least, this cover puts every convenience store clerk in middle America in danger."

"This is over the top," agreed Tucker Bounds, spokesman for the McCain campaign. "Depicting Barack Hussein Obama as a potentially dangerous terrorist is absolutely disgusting. If they'd put him in a dress supporting gay marriage, maybe that would have been appropriate. I can see portraying him as light-loafered sissy boy, but there's no need to go as far as they've gone."

U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings was appalled. "Many states do not have the concept of irony in their curriculums until the senior year of high school," she said. "Most of them do not grasp the concept then. How can you expect someone who cannot find Iowa on a map to properly interpret a magazine cover showing such outrageous nincompoopery? The press needs to show some responsibility here."

"I fully support Barack Obama in his efforts to be President even though most of his supporters are exactly the type of pseudo-intellectual elitist puffballs who read the New Yorker," said Hillary Clinton. "Real Americans who see the cover on newsstands will either nod sagely as they pass by or ignore it completely.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

How to Make Money Online Writing SEO Articles

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 23:03:00 +0000

What is Search Engine Optimization?

Search Engine Optimization, for you novices out there, is writing for search engines instead of people. Since Google has started to penalize sites for duplicate content, many website owners have had to resort to actually writing original articles for their sites instead of picking them up from free article repositories or stealing them from competitors. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

This sad state of affairs has led to a huge demand for original SEO articles to attract readers to sites selling penis enlargement pills, herbal cures for every imaginable illness, fabulous online money-making ideas, and pornography.

Opportunity is everywhere. Go to any freelance auction site or Craig's List and you will see ads similar to this:

I need 500 articles of at least 400 words written by tomorrow. Articles must be optimized for keywords I will supply. I am willing to pay up to fifty cents per article. All articles must be creative, original, and make the customer break his arm reaching for his wallet. I will check each article to make sure it is completely original content and will pay you whenever I get around to it. A prolific writer can make more than $200 per day!!! Take advantage of this FABULOUS work-at home OPPORTUNITY now!!

The sky is the limit in this lucrative field.

Writing the SEO Article: Know Your Market

In order to write an effective SEO article, one must do a thorough market study. Savvy internet marketers all agree that the average web demographic is a white male 14-40 who is surfing the net looking for free porn hoping that his boss, or mother, will not look over his shoulder, see various barnyard animals in coitus with a blonde nymphet on his computer screen, and fire or ground him.

Thus some of the most searched keywords on the net are sex, Miley Cyrus, free porn, and Britney Spears.

Write a Snappy Headline!

Armed with insider knowledge of the inner workings of Google and the internet, the smart writer will write a snappy headline like this:

How to Have Sex With Miley Cyrus if Britney Spears Turns You Down.

There are, of course, many variations the SEO writer may use. For instance:

Did Miley Cyrus Have Sex With Britney Spears on a Free Porn Site?

Free Porn Poll: Would You Rather Have Sex With Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears?

Are Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus the Victims of Sex Exploitation on Free Porn Sites?

All of the above are excellent headlines. Be creative. Write your own.

Getting Down to It: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Always keep in mind the fact that your reader would not know a parenthetic phrase if it crawled up his leg and bit him on the scrotum. Never ignore the KISS principle! Keep your sentences short and your ideas to yourself. There is no I in T-E-A-M. It is all about the reader, not you. Your reader is a search engine, an abstract machine built to cater to people searching for free porn.

PROTIP: The search engine decides what gets read on the internet.

The professional SEO writer will apply his hard-earned knowledge of search engine behavior and write an article similar to the following:

Many people would like to have sex with Britney Spears. According to the latest polls, even more people would like to have sex with Miley Cyrus. I know that I would really love to have sex with Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus in a threesome. There has been no scientific research on people having sex with both Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears. I dare say that there should be. That would be fascinating and would make great reading on a free porn site.

Experts agree that there are many free porn sites that have content on Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears. No one knows how many, but they are numerous. Some people might even say that there are thousands of free porn sites that deal with sex, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears. I don't know if that is true, but it is nice to think about, isn't it?

It is an interesting thought process to imagine Britney Spears having sex with Miley Cyrus on a free porn site. Many sex experts agree with this evaluation. Some do not. It is probably because they were damaged during puberty and have no interest in having sex with Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears and are too timid to surf free porn sites like normal people. I feel sorry for them.

Well, that's all I have to say about sex, Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.

If you liked this article check out our sponsors at thefreepornsite.com. There you will find many interesting articles and pictures of Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.

The end.

Beginning SEO article writers are encouraged to take the article above and use it in any way they wish.

A link back to this site would be appreciated.

Bill O'Reilly Launches Campaign to Save Obama's Testicles

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK- In what many see as a valiant bi-partisan effort, Fox News commentator and noted author Bill O'Reilly announced that he was forming a non-profit corporation dedicated to saving Senator Barack Obama's testicles.

"I hate to see anyone lose their testicles, even menacing political figures who may well be Muslim terrorists and elitist pacifists who have no respect for hard-working Americans," said O'Reilly.

O'Reilly proposed funding the corporation through private donations on the internet.

"If it worked for Ron Paul, it should work for Obama's testicles," observed O'Reilly. "We can reach young people and those who have purchased penis enlargement pills-- market segments who fully understand the importance of protecting testicles. Many of them are liberals and should be receptive."

Mr. O'Reilly outlined the priorities for his new organization.

"The first thing we will do is put 24-hour surveillance on Reverend Jesse Jackson. I don't think he is making empty threats(see video below). I have always thought there was an undertow of violence in the man's character. We will also aid the Secret Service in their mission to protect what may become the first jewels by having an expert team of investigative journalist make daily reports as to the health of Obama's private parts. We also plan to purchase seven athletic supporters complete with cups for Obama to wear, one for each day of the week. Everyone, regardless of political affiliation, may contribute and join. People who donate over one hundred dollars will receive a handsome kangaroo scrotum bottle opener."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

How To Be a Market Guru

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 05:08:00 +0000

Anyone with with a mailing list can be a market guru. The larger your mailing list, the bigger guru you can be. Just for fun, let's say you have managed to get a mailing list with 50,000 email addresses.

Thankfully, the market will go up or go down. It doesn't matter what market it is-- the S&P, FCOJ, the Dow Industrials, oil; just pick one.

Divide your list in half. Tell one half that the market is going up; the other half that the market is going down. Let's say that the market went up the day after you did your mailing.

Discard the 25000 you mailed with bad information.

Divide the list in half and do the same thing again. Tell 12,500 the market is moving up, the other 12,500 that the market is heading south.

If the market goes down, discard those you told the market would go up.

Do it again, discarding the bad information.

Now you have 6,250 people that know you have hit 3 trades in a row.

This is when you start to pitch your fabulous computer program that can pick market direction with uncanny accuracy. Or your newsletter. Or Norma the Space Psychic.

Do it again. Now you have 3,125 people who have seen you hit four trades in a row.

Pitch them again.

Divide and mail once again.

Pitch them again.

Now you have 1600 people who have seen you hit five in a row,

Pitch them again.

Now you have 800 who have seen you hit six in a row.

Pitch them again

Now you have 400 who have seen you hit seven in a row,

Pitch them again.

Now you have 200 who have seen you hit eight in a row.

The 100, then 50, then 25.

Now you get a new sales letter, a new product, a new market and start the process again.

Yes, you, too, can be a market guru.

Nothing to it.

The McCain Curse

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 10:58:00 +0000

WASHINGTON- Several out-of-town visitors to the Smithsonian Institution National Museum of Natural History were severely frightened when they saw what they believed to be a mummy come to life and shuffle toward them.

"I almost had a heart attack," said Lana Gladdis of Paducah, Kentucky. "When I saw that thing just get up and start walking with its arm in front of it like that. I thought it was going for my throat."

"It was really creepy," opined Roger Bisby of West Memphis, Arkansas. "It out-creeped Madame Tussaud's, and that's pretty damned creepy. I wondered what the hell it was doing with all those Secret Service types surrounding it."

Carl Taylor, Security Manager, quickly responded to the incident. "I heard all the screaming and grabbed a couple of guards. It was mayhem. I was afraid there was going to be a riot. Children were running for their parents. I was afraid someone would be trampled."

"It was all just a case of mistaken identity," explained Dr. Cristián Samper, a director at the museum. "Apparently Senator John McCain had visited us with no warning and fallen asleep on one of our benches. When he awoke from his nap, he was a little disoriented and stumbled toward a group of tourists. We apologize for any inconvenience."

"John McCain is a genuine American hero," said Senator Barack Obama. "I honor him for his service and sympathize with those he frightened. Now maybe people will understand why I don't want to hang around with him at town hall meetings or go to Iraq with him. The guy just creeps me out. I can't help it."

Speakers for the McCain campaign had no comment on the incident other than to accuse Senator Obama of age discrimination.

Ms. Gladdis was arrested for threatening a Presidential candidate with her purse. She is being held without bail at an undisclosed federal facility according to Ellsworth Mauger of the FBI.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Photo work by the inimitable J. D. Truesilver

Police in Action: Feeling Blue

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 10:41:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO - A woman who was walking in the area of Texas and Mariposa Streets was approached by male driving a car. The man asked the woman for directions to the hospital because he had caught a certain part of his anatomy in his pants zipper. He told the woman that he felt embarrassed about going to the hospital and asked if the woman could help him.

The woman said that the suspect looked like he was in obvious pain and she wanted to help him. He requested that woman get some lotion and a pair of scissors. She went to her nearby office and retrieved those items. The suspect appeared to working on his problem and asked the woman if she could help.

The woman agreed but required the man to place a t-shirt in the problem area to form a barrier so she would not have to touch skin. After a few moments she realized that the man did not have anything caught in his zipper. She told the suspect that she had to go back to work. It was then she felt that she had been victimized and called the police.

The suspect was a white male in his late 20’s with a reddish blond flattop haircut wearing a navy blue t-shirt and blue jeans. He was driving a dark blue Honda Accord.

It rubs the lotion on its skin...

From the San Francisco Police Blotter

Police in Action: You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:49:00 +0000

COLORADO SPRINGS - On June 23, 2008 at 12:19AM, a citizen contacted an officer at Platte Avenue and Union Boulevard to report that the citizen's car windows had been shot out at Academy Boulevard and Airport Road.

Officers were dispatched to the area to investigate, and an officer’s car window was shot out while the vehicle was in motion. The officer was uninjured. Officers flooded the area to search for the suspects; however there have been no arrests at this time.

While officers were searching for the suspect, another citizen called to report that their car window was shot out while driving through Academy Boulevard and Airport Road during the same time frame.

Anyone with information on these incidents is encouraged to call the police at 444-7000, or Crime Stoppers at 634-STOP. You do not have to give your name and could earn up to $1,000 in CASH for information given to CRIME STOPPERS.

***UPDATE*** On 06/23/08 Metro Lab personnel processed the damaged cruiser. Based on that examination, the projectile that broke the window is believed to have been a pellet or a BB.

Little Johnny was delighted when Santa brought him the Red Ryder model.

"I'll show them," he exclaimed. "I'll show them all!"

From the Colorado Springs Police Blotter

Don Imus No Longer Allowed to Say the Word Black

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:25:00 +0000

In a not unexpected turn of events, Don Imus, the controversial shock jock, is no longer allowed to utter the word black.

"He needs to say nothing at all about blacks," said Dick Gregory. "I hereby forbid him from doing so."

"If I hear of him referring to blacks, I'll have him fired," agreed Al Sharpton. "If anyone wants to talk about blacks, they need to clear it through me."

"I'm never ever going to say anything about blacks as long as I live," said Hillary Clinton. "It's best to pretend that blacks don't exist. That way there won't be any trouble."

"I am deeply offended that Don Imus asked if I was black," sobbed Adam "Pacman" Jones, who has been arrested numerous times for being black. "The nerve of that guy. I am shattered."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama commented on the incident. "Bill Clinton was not the first black President. Hopefully, I will be the first black President. We need a President who can dance. Anyone who jokes about it will be dealt with harshly."

"I've been ignoring blacks for years," said President George W. Bush. "I will continue to ignore blacks. It's best."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

George Carlin's Raucous Voice is Silenced

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:05:00 +0000

rau·cous

1. harsh; strident; grating: raucous voices; raucous laughter.

2. rowdy; disorderly: a raucous party.

George Carlin is dead.

The hippy dippy weatherman's heart gave out on him.

I am surprised they let him go so long. I am surprised they did not shut him up. Maybe they just thought he was a crazy old man, or maybe no one took him seriously enough.

Who are "they?" George Carlin knew.

In the end, he was a modern Diogenes seeking truth and telling it when he found it.

People paid to see him rant and then went home to their comfortable lives.

I will miss the old bastard.

Bush Prepares for China Meeting

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 04:21:00 +0000

President George W. Bush prepared for delicate negotiations with China concerning investment and energy policy in a meeting on Tuesday with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said the meeting was cordial, but Ms. Rice left the meeting early "most likely because of a female problem."

"You just never know with a woman," added Perino.

Michelle Obama's Grade School Drawing Draws Flak From Republicans

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 03:48:00 +0000

The discovery of a disturbing drawing that might be the work of Michelle Obama while she was in the second grade has Republicans expressing doubts about Mrs. Obama's qualifications to be first lady.

The drawing shows military tanks, mortars, and Jeeps interspersed with children in a haphazard fashion.

McCain adviser Randy Scheunemann, in a hastily called news conference, stated. "While this drawing may or may not be the work of Michelle Obama as a child, it certainly shows the working of a disturbed mind. Do we really want to take a chance on a person like this?"

"At the very least, this drawing shows absolutely no concern for the safety of children," said Bill O'Reilly, who has not had sexual harassment charges filed against him in several months. "Maybe she cares about her children, but it's pretty plain that she doesn't care a hoot or a holler about anyone else's."

Noted psychologist John Duckstazo thought the drawing was possibly related to a childhood trauma. "She was probably frightened by a war film, or possibly a soldier," he said. "All of the children in the picture are white. Perhaps it shows an unconscious desire for white people to be run over by tanks. I have never met Mrs. Obama, but if she says she's not proud to be an American, it makes sense that she would want white people to be crushed by tanks."

"My wife, who is normal, taught school for a while," said President George W. Bush. "If a kid ever turned anything like that into her, she would've had the child removed, evaluated, and placed in foster care. You can never be too careful."

Republicans everywhere are being asked by the RNC to circulate the drawing via email to alert the public about the possible menace.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Obama/McCain/Bush Identity Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:41:00 +0000

I love this video. Only problem is that they should include Obama in the mix. You take Sally, I'll take Sue. Ain't no difference between the two.

Park Monster Identified as Carville/Coulter Love Child

noreply@blogger.com (Gunner Sykes) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 16:14:00 +0000

Rumors of a strange creature similar to Mothman and the Jersey Devil haunting the parks of Washington DC have circulated for years in the beltway. Most people dismissed them as fantasy and the raving of New Age airheads-- that is until the creature was captured last night by a heroic federal agent.

"I was walking by the Washington Monument for my evening stroll about nine when I heard a ghastly scream," said Special Agent Ellsworth Mauger. "I pulled my trusty .357 and hurried toward the sound. What I discovered will disturb my dreams for the rest of my life."

Official reports say that Ms. Anne Schwarzkopf, a tourist from Puffbluff, Kentucky was accosted by a long-haired, emaciated being who confronted her and screamed epithets.

"It was horrible," confided Ms. Schwarzkopf. "It was undoubtedly the most sarcastic thing I've ever seen or heard. First it called me a fascist lackey. Then it said I was a Godless slut who had serial abortions because I couldn't keep my legs together. Then it began to dance about like a demented gnome and demand that I write in Hillary Clinton for President or it would climb on me like ten bad Mexicans. If Mr. Mauger hadn't come along, I'm sure it would've done something too unspeakable to contemplate."

Agent Mauger resolved the situation by whacking the creature on the head with his pistol, knocking it unconscious. He called the local police who dispatched a cruiser and an ambulance. The creature was taken to Howard University Hospital for emergency treatment.

Specialists performed DNA testing to determine the species of the strangely man-like monster. Shockingly, the creature proved to be the love child of Ann Coulter and James Carville.

"We were amazed," said Dr. John Distazo, Emergency DNA Analyst. "The thing had a vaguely familiar look. We investigated and found that apparently both Mr. Carville and Ms. Coulter had a little too much to drink at a cocktail party 17 years ago. One thing led to another and the Park Monster was the inevitable result. Ms. Coulter has always been a staunch opponent of abortion, so she had the child and dropped it into a dumpster. Somehow, it survived."

"This is the first I've heard about it," retorted Mr. Carville when questioned about the incident. "I was drunk. Don't tell me you wouldn't do it if you had the chance."

Ms. Coulter has generously donated the child to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History for further study.

"If we can all learn something from this, it will have been worth it," she said.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.