Rumors of a strange creature similar to Mothman and the Jersey Devil haunting the parks of Washington DC have circulated for years in the beltway. Most people dismissed them as fantasy and the raving of New Age airheads-- that is until the creature was captured last night by a heroic federal agent.

"I was walking by the Washington Monument for my evening stroll about nine when I heard a ghastly scream," said Special Agent Ellsworth Mauger. "I pulled my trusty .357 and hurried toward the sound. What I discovered will disturb my dreams for the rest of my life."

Official reports say that Ms. Anne Schwarzkopf, a tourist from Puffbluff, Kentucky was accosted by a long-haired, emaciated being who confronted her and screamed epithets.

"It was horrible," confided Ms. Schwarzkopf. "It was undoubtedly the most sarcastic thing I've ever seen or heard. First it called me a fascist lackey. Then it said I was a Godless slut who had serial abortions because I couldn't keep my legs together. Then it began to dance about like a demented gnome and demand that I write in Hillary Clinton for President or it would climb on me like ten bad Mexicans. If Mr. Mauger hadn't come along, I'm sure it would've done something too unspeakable to contemplate."

Agent Mauger resolved the situation by whacking the creature on the head with his pistol, knocking it unconscious. He called the local police who dispatched a cruiser and an ambulance. The creature was taken to Howard University Hospital for emergency treatment.

Specialists performed DNA testing to determine the species of the strangely man-like monster. Shockingly, the creature proved to be the love child of Ann Coulter and James Carville.

"We were amazed," said Dr. John Distazo, Emergency DNA Analyst. "The thing had a vaguely familiar look. We investigated and found that apparently both Mr. Carville and Ms. Coulter had a little too much to drink at a cocktail party 17 years ago. One thing led to another and the Park Monster was the inevitable result. Ms. Coulter has always been a staunch opponent of abortion, so she had the child and dropped it into a dumpster. Somehow, it survived."

"This is the first I've heard about it," retorted Mr. Carville when questioned about the incident. "I was drunk. Don't tell me you wouldn't do it if you had the chance."

Ms. Coulter has generously donated the child to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History for further study.

"If we can all learn something from this, it will have been worth it," she said.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.