FBI agents were surprised today to find presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton among the over 200 women who were rescued from captivity in a Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints compound where they had been forced into marriage and other unspeakable acts.

"It was horrible," sobbed Ms. Clinton. "I was forced to do the dishes and listen to Tammy Wynette records. There were women there who have never read Sylvia Plath or eaten at Masa."

FBI agent Ellsworth Mauger was the first to recognize the former first lady and was largely responsible for her rescue. "I saw her over in a corner working on a quilt with some other women and could hardly believe my eyes," said the agent. "There was something familiar about her and when she asked what the hell was taking so long, I realized who it was immediately."

Ebenezer Warren, a spokesman for the LDS, denies that Ms. Clinton was ever a captive. "She wandered in here the other day and started telling people stories about her husband waking her up at 3:00 AM with obscene phone calls and getting shot at in Bosnia. We tried to get her to leave, but she kept insisting that she was in it until the very end. We kind of felt sorry for her so we fed her and allowed her to help with the housework."

"To be truthful," said William Jefferson Clinton, former President, and current husband of Hillary Clinton, "I thought she was here in Pennsylvania twisting an arm or two. I had no idea she had been through such a horrible ordeal. I must fly to her as soon as I finish a speaking engagement in Philadelphia."

Republican rival John McCain was sympathetic to Ms. Clinton's plight. "I, too, have been a prisoner," said McCain. "I hope Ms. Clinton now sees the error of her ways and never accepts proposals from strange men again. You never know what kind of wackos they may be."

Barack Obama simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.