US intelligence officials revealed photographic evidence today that presidential hopeful John McCain was once a prison guard at the notorious Stalag 13, a Nazi POW camp.

"We were taken aback by the evidence when the Mossad first transmitted it to us, but it looks like the real deal," said Robert Mauger, of the National Security Agency, "We are conducting tests on facial characteristics and measurements to make sure."

The investigation was spurred by the realization of a former POW, John Kinchloe, that McCain appeared to be very close to knowing nothing.

"It just rang a bell in my head, and then I realized that McCain was none other than Sergeant Hans Schultz, who used to guard me when I was a prisoner in World War II. I always knew there was something weird about him. I called my buddies at the NSA and asked them to look into it," said Kinchloe, who was a communications technician for the US Army when captured.

McCain Campaign Manager Rick Davis scoffed at the investigation."This may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced in my years in politics. Hans Schultz is a character on a TV show, you morons."

Senator Hillary Clinton took the investigation seriously. "Sergeant Hans Schultz may or may not be a character on a TV show, but if John McCain is linked to Nazi atrocities, the world has the right to know. If I can be investigated, McCain should be investigated. No one is above the law."

Legal representatives for Senator McCain have filed suit in federal court to have the investigation stopped on the grounds that there is no credible evidence for the investigation since it is based on the testimony of fictional characters, but hold out little hope considering the court's previous inattention to reality.

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.


Photo by John Truesilver