In a startling crescendo to an increasingly bitter campaign, Hillary Clinton physically attacked Barack Obama today, effectively ending what many believe will be their last televised debate. Offended by a remark from Mr. Obama concerning her recent misstatement about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, Senator Clinton left her lectern at Philadelphia's Freedom Hall and grabbed Senator Obama's ear.

"OK, Mr. Smarty Pants," said Hillary, "let's just march you outside for a time out."

"Ow," said Mr. Obama. "Let me go."

Ms. Clinton began to lead Mr. Obama by the ear toward an exit door when Secret Service Agents stepped in to stop the altercation.

"Get away from me, you idiots," demanded the former first lady. "I'm coming through."

The agents then stepped between the two and freed Mr. Obama's ear.

"This is the kind of politics I have been trying to avoid," said Obama. "The ugly politics of divisiveness."

"Oh shut up, Mr. One Term Senator Who Thinks He Wants To Be President," said Ms. Clinton. "I'll let you know when you can talk."

James Carville, a political analyst for CNN who looks surprisingly like a gnome, quickly came to Ms. Clinton's defense. "Obama, you touch one hair on her head and this old corporal will climb on you like ten bad Mexicans," Mr. Carville threatened.

"Mexicans?" asked Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico, who had followed the two presidential candidates hoping to be of some help. "I'll show you a Mexican." He then thumped Mr. Carville a pretty good one in the vicinity of his right eye.

"It's on, Judas," said Carville, and began to flail wildly at the governor.

Secret Service Agents quickly stopped the second physical altercation of the evening, disappointing the wildly enthusiastic crowd.

Order was restored when Obama, Clinton, Carville, and Richardson were whisked away in separate limousines.

CNN pundits were quick to fill the unexpected dead air time with expert commentary.

"I thought Senator Clinton might twist Senator Obama's ear right off his head," opined Lou Dobbs.

"Yes, she definitely had a pretty good grip on it," agreed Jack Cafferty. "James Carville gave a pretty good account of himself, too"

"Yes, the little guy was pretty courageous." said Dobbs. "Those Mexicans carry knives, you know."

Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but reliable sources report he was pleased and highly amused.