Today, speaking to a crowd of cheering republican faithful in a high school gym in Brownsville, Texas, John McCain vowed to carry on the Reagan legacy by falling asleep at any given moment.

"My friends," said McCain, "I was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution. I know what it takes to lead. I know what it takes to administrate this, the finest government in the finest country in the world. In order to do that, you need rest, lots of rest. I intend to nap every afternoon, and snooze during cabinet meetings. If you've ever heard General David Petraeus drone on about military logistical support, you would do the same."

"I was talking to General Petraeus just the other day about the importance of military secrecy concerning our supplies. Take toilet paper, for instance. I know it doesn't sound important on the surface, but it is. If our enemies in Iraq were privy to the amount of toilet paper we ship to our troops, they could simply count the number of rolls, divide by fifteen, and have a fairly good idea of the number of assholes we have in our armed forces. We must do everything we can to protect our brave men and women in uniform."

"I have noticed that both of my opponents are saying what they would do if they were President and the telephone rang at 3:00 AM. I tell you what I would do. I would go back to sleep. There's nothing that won't wait until morning. A man needs his rest."

Congressman Ron Paul, also campaigning in Texas, reacted to Senator McCain's comments: "That's the smartest thing I've ever heard John say. The more he sleeps, the better the country will be. At least he won't be thinking of new countries to invade."

Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.

Or anything else.