Houston, Texas

In a surprising policy turnaround today, John McCain proposed legislation not only legalizing gay marriage, but making it mandatory for all homosexuals over the age of 18.

"My friends," said McCain in a hastily called news conference,"it is time we recognized the basic inequality of marriage laws in this, the finest country in the world. For too long, homosexuals have been denied the benefits of marriage."

McCain's proposed legislation would require all homosexuals over the age of 18 to register with the federal government. If any registered person is without a partner, one would be assigned to him or her based on compatibility tests developed by army psychologists, or based on the whim of the bureaucrat handling the case. Anyone not registering would be subject to a $5000.00 fine and up to 20 years in prison.

Each couple would be required to marry, buy a home in suburbia, and a minivan of their choice by January 1, 2010. Up to three, but no less than two, children would be issued to each couple from juvenile detention centers around the country.

"This plan assures equal treatment for all Americans," said McCain. "I know it won't be popular with some people in my party, but I've never hesitated to do the right thing, not the popular thing. Besides, I've got this nomination sewed up."