The results of the RNC's long-awaited investigation into the Ron Paul virus were announced today by Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the RNC. The investigation, sponsored by Premiere Election Systems, confirmed the suspicions of all right-thinking Americans.
"There is no support for Ron Paul." said Mehlman. "The only supporter he has is a 14-year-old kid named Spanky Allison who has built a spam empire after being kicked out of school for publishing hacks of several pornography site passwords on his high school's website. We have arrested the kid. After tasering him a few times, he fessed right up."
To confirm the findings, a scientific poll, conducted by Fox News, asked the following question to over eleven registered Republicans who own Buicks:
"Would you vote for an anarchistic scumbag who will take your grandmother's Social Security away and leave her to be kicked and pummeled by drug-crazed street gangs who mince about wearing stiletto heels and torn pantyhose?"
Not surprisingly, ALL of those polled responded with a resounding no.
"Ron Paul does not have any support whatsoever. Republican voters overwhelmingly reject the very idea of grandmother abuse by cross-dressing street gangs." explained Mehlman. "At last we've found the cause of all this poll-skewing on the internet. I mean what good is a poll when it doesn't even agree with the expected outcome? The man simply has no respect for science."
Barack Obama, allegedly a serious candidate for the Presidency, chimed in: "I respect the findings of the RNC on this momentous issue. We must embrace the challenges of today in order to assure the intricate machinations of a future very much in doubt by many prominent thinkers who have opined that global warming is a salient fact in spite of the documented instances of many poor people freezing their asses off in the winter months. We must move forward with resilience, determination, proper attitude, and great hope toward a tomorrow filled with ever new promises of peace and prosperity."
Rudy Giuliani, when asked to comment, simply turned up his microphone and snickered.
Spanky Allison is being held without bond in an undetermined location pending the findings of a grand jury which may or may not ever convene. President Bush has suggested that Allison be tried by military tribunal and awaits the advice of the Attorney General on the matter if congress decides to let him have another one.
Vice-President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.
This work by http://www.gunnersykes,com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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GO RON PAUL! GO RON PAUL! GOD BLESS RON PAUL!
RON PAUL FOR PRESIDENT 2008!
Ron Paul is a constitutionalist.
Ron has never voted to raise taxes.
Ron has never voted for an unbalanced budget.
Ron has never voted for the Iraq War.
Ron has never voted for a federal restriction on gun ownership.
Ron has never voted to increase the power of the executive branch.
Ron has never voted to raise congressional pay.
Ron has never taken a government-paid junket.
Ron voted against the Patriot Act.
Ron votes against regulating the Internet.
Ron voted against NAFTA and CAFTA.
Ron votes against the United Nations.
Ron votes against the welfare state.
Ron votes against reinstating a military draft.
Ron votes to preserve the constitution.
Ron votes to cut government spending.
Ron votes to lower healthcare costs.
Ron votes to end the war on drugs.
Ron votes to protect civil liberties.
Ron votes to secure our borders with real immigration reform
How can you not love this guy listen to him he is truly a man who
tells the truth "We The People" are taking our country back and
restoring the original Constitutional Republic and returning Amerika
back to America not the Homeland.
"A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot
survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable,
for he is known and he carries his banners openly. But the traitor
moves among those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling
through all the galleys, heard in the very hall of government itself.
For the traitor appears not a traitor---he speaks in the accents
familiar to his victims, and wears their face and their garment, and
he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He
rots the soul of a nation---he works secretly and unknown in the night
to undermine the pillars of a city---he infects the body politic so
that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to be feared.
--- Cicero: orator, statesman, political theorist, lawyer and
philosopher of Ancient Rome.
"In the time of universal deceit, telling the truth
is a revolutionary act" GEORGE ORWELL
"None are more enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."
-- Goethe
That's damned cute. I like it...
Get rid of the FDA? Let the free market rule and let the pockets of these private companies be lined with the money of the drug companies. We can welcome back drugs like Bextra.
I'm personally not against the taxes that uphold the protective agencies our country currently has.