"83% of people who hate Sarah Palin are gayer than Easter baskets," says Fyodor Quackenbush of Hackensack Community College. "The percentage is higher among Democrats, but that is to be expected."

Quackenbush, an instructor in auto mechanics and air conditioning repair, conducted a lengthy study of Palin haters during his lunch breaks at the community college.

"Every gay I talked to had horrible things to say about Sarah Palin," observed Quackenbush. "There is no empirical scientific evidence of a gay gene, but we can certainly infer evidence from any source we choose. It's our right under the constitution to do so, and I won't be shut up by Palin or any of the Republicans who engineered the downfall of our economy due to their failure to regulate those greedy sub-humans who slither along Wall Street."

Quackenbush, who holds a degree in Women's Studies at a well-known state university, makes a solid argument for a genetic predisposition for Palin hatred. "There has to be a gay gene because there are gays and only an idiot would argue otherwise. If there is no gay gene, there would be no gays. So, we can just assume that the gay gene exists. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Palin hatred is at least partially caused by genetic predisposition. We can't blame gays for hating Sarah Palin any more than we can blame them for being gay. So take that and stuff it in your pipe, Buster."

Quackenbush's findings led to a surprising revelation form Jack Cafferty, a CNN pundit and renowned Palin hater. "When I read about the Quackenbush Theory, it hit me like a ton of bricks," said Cafferty. "I examined my feelings concerning my irrational blathering about Sarah Palin and finally realized I'm queerer than a football bat. It has been a truly liberating experience and gives me an entirely new perspective on Judy Garland and Bette Midler. God, I love them."

Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but was said by sources to be considering a special guest appearance on Reno 911 just for the hell of it.



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An Exclusive Fly on the Wall Report


James Carville, Rahm Emanuel, and Roland Martin were couch surfing in Martin's apartment a few days ago.

"Gee, fellas," said Roland Martin, "I'm glad that you guys came. Can I get you a pizza roll?"

"They give me gas." said Carville.

"Shut your sassy mouth," said Rahm Emanuel. "I'm thinking."

"Sorry," said Roland, "I just thought you guys might like some."

"The republicans are getting restless," observed Carville. "This CPAC thing has them all riled up. We need a new meme."

"What's a meme?" asked Martin.

"Shut up," said Emmanuel. "What's wrong with with the obstructionist meme, James? It's still working."

"I know, but sooner or later those NASCAR watching dimwits are going to figure out that they don't have enough votes to obstruct anything."

"I doubt it," replied Emanuel. "They can't even figure out Rachel Maddow."

"I've been thinking about asking her out," said Martin. "What do you guys think?"

"Worth a shot," said Carville.

"Go for it," said Emanuel.

"I like the obstructionist meme," said Martin. "That's where you say they're not bi-partisan, right?"

"Shut up." said Carville.

"Shut up." said Emanuel.

"Why don't you tell Rush Limbaugh to shut up?" said Roland Martin. "Why are you picking on me? I haven't done anything. I thought we were on the same side."

"Why don't you check on those pizza rolls?" asked Carville.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," said Martin and waddled off to the kitchen.

"I wish we could shut Limbaugh up," said Emanuel.

James Carville smiled. "I've got an idea," he said.

"Pizza rolls!" Martin announced, carrying in a tray.

"No thanks," said Emanuel.

"Gotta go." said Carville.

"I was hoping we could play some Nintendo," said Martin.



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A group of high-level tech gurus announced the arrival of Web 2.1.1 Tuesday.

"Web 2.0 is dead," said Ellsworth Mauger, a social media expert."Web 2.1.1 will usher in an entirely new era of solutions long before any problems present themselves. There is a pressing need for solutions that makes waiting for problems irrelevant."

The long awaited advent of Web 2.1.1 had many movers and shakers on the internet edgy with anticipation.

"I'm always looking for the newest trend on the web," said Marvin Garcia, a social media consultant. "I'm just glad that it finally happened. The idea of inventing solutions to non-existent problems is both trendy and non-linear. It is a fine example of free associative thinking that will propel us into the 21st Century with amazing speed."

"Anyone who tries to sell anything on the web is scum," said Delbert Smallwood, a social media professional. "There will be no ads, no commerce, no sales at all. Everyone will simply become an expert consultant on social media telling everyone else how to build their personal brand to exert influence over other social media experts in order to become a more influential social media expert. Anyone who does not understand this model just doesn't get it."

"I'm glad that someone finally gets it," agreed Michael Hunt, a social media guru. "People who try to take advantage of newbies in social media need to understand that we're just not going to let that happen. People have a pressing need to know what other people had for lunch. Other people have a pressing need to tell others what they had for lunch. When you bring the two together, you have a synergistic relationship that opens up entirely new ways of people relating to each other about what they had for lunch."

"It's not just about lunch, though lunch is a very important meal," added Samantha Gruts, a social media mediator. "The possibilities are endless. What about existential angst? Now, there's a solution without a definable problem, but it's still valid. As long as someone is around to validate angst, who is to say it is not valid? Validation comes in the form of the validator, so anything you say is valid. Anyone can become an expert if enough people validate their expertise. How else can you become an expert?"

"If enough people say something is good, it's good. There's no objective way to define good. Only a moron would try to do that. Everything is relative to what everyone says about relevance. When you understand that, you understand social media," said Seymour Glass, who strayed in unexpectedly from a short story. "Bananafish?"

Jean-Paul Sartre was unavailable for comment because he is dead.


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